December Bucket List

There are a few things I simply can't do this Christmas.  Mostly because I'm limited by how pregnant I'm getting or because of budget needs.  Saving for a new baby is hard when the holidays come! 

I've been slightly bummed out by all I can't get or do this Christmas season.  Like buying gifts for all of our family members, doing our annual downtown date night and choosing not to host a big Christmas party.  I'll also be missing out on my sister's musical at Six Flags and my friend Lori's wedding in Pensacola too because we can't afford to do either of those things. 

I decided to make a list of what I can do in efforts to cheer myself up and get back into the holiday spirit of things though:

1) Make a gingerbread house with Tommy

2) Watch White Christmas

3) Deck my halls

4) Bake sugar cookies

5) Drink egg nog

6) Make an ornament wreath like this one for my front door

7) Mail out Christmas cards

8) Kiss under the mistletoe

9) Go look at Christmas lights

10) Have a smallish New Year's party for close friends?

11) Sing Christmas Carols

12) Share a candlelit dinner with Todd

13) Make some homemade gifts

14) Fill Tommy's stocking

15) Have a fire or two in the backyard

16) Visit Santa

17) Read the Christmas story in Luke 2

18) Give a secret gift

19) Start a journal of the things I'm grateful for

20) Make Jacob's name for the nursery

21) Take pictures of all the Christmas trees I see

22) Make yarn wreaths for hopeful orders

23) Go to a local play or choir concert

24)  Try a new cookie recipe

25) Make merry with my family

What are you planning on doing this December to make it special?

True love paints your toenails

I've never cared much for the word "lucky."  Maybe it's because I've never thought I was a "lucky" sort of person.  It's rare that I'll ever win anything or find money laying in the street.  I never get the parking spot up close, the light always turns red when I want it to stay green, and I've never had a winning lottery ticket.  Though to be fair, I've never played anything other than a scratch-off before either. 

If there even is such a thing as luck, I don't know if I believe in it.  Because when it comes to the really good things in my life, I don't consider it luck that I have them.  I consider them a blessing.

Someone told me the other day that I was lucky to have a man like Todd.  And I felt myself bristle to the word, because am I really "lucky" to have him?  Did by some chance the universe hand me a brilliant deck of cards when he came in to my life and it was by complete chance that we ended up together?  I've always thought that our meeting and our relationship was divinely orchestrated and had it been left up to "luck" I don't think either of us would have ever found each other.

I've felt mushy lately when thinking about him.  Maybe it's because I'm hormonal and extra-sentimental these days.  Tears flow easily and my mood swings are off the charts at any given time.  But, whether it's pregnancy or life or just who he is - I'm aware of this amazing man I'm married to and I've felt over-the-moon with gratefulness.

He's a trooper.  I've been sick for what feels like an eternity, struggling with allergies or a cold or congestion that comes with pregnancy - I don't really know what.  But it's taken a toll because I'm not sleeping and because I'm not sleeping, he's not sleeping.  And my lack of sleep has turned me in to a crazy person so I'm up crying and freaking out about the end of the world and the financial cliff and troubles in the middle east and wondering if I'm going to have a heart attack at 2:00am every night.  (Perhaps I should quit watching the news?) I'm a chaos-creator and he knows it.

But in all of my crazy-making due to this sickness I've been trying to shake off, he's stuck it out and still manages to find places to show his love for me even though I know I've gotten on his last and very sleepy nerve.

The other night he painted my toenails for me.  My belly isn't quite big enough to be in the way of doing it just yet, but I was tired and kept complaining about how ugly my toes were.  So he got out the nail polish and treated me to a little pedicure. 

This came after doing half of the Christmas decorating even though it's so not his thing.  And after doing the dishes and giving Tommy a bath and a hundred other things he steps up to do because they need doing and because he cares about me.  Because how Todd shows love is through doing and through actions and serving.

It's taken me a few years to gripe about the lack of flowers or mixed CD's full of love songs that he might compile or planned-out romantic date nights.  But I've been able to see that his love for me spills out of him daily in all of his doing if I stop and notice.  And I guess I've done a lot of stopping and noticing lately.

And what's having a blog if I can't brag and boast on the love of my life?  He really is a keeper. Maybe I am lucky to have him.  Either way, he's all mine.  And I'm very, very grateful.

I almost forgot who I was

I'm a fighter.

I'm a dragon-slaying warrior princess.

I'm fearless and brave.

I'm a daughter of the King and an heir to the throne.  

I have hope in all things because Jesus is who He says He is.

And I almost forgot all of that.  I almost forgot that I have power and strength just by uttering His name - Jesus.  I almost forgot that I knew how to fight for my heart and my life.  That I was bold and courageous and was equipped with everything that I need to do what feels hard and scary.

I almost let fear take me out.  Almost.  

But then I remembered.  And this warrior princess dusted off her sword and picked herself back up and got back in the trenches to fight.  Because I can.  Because He gives me the strength to. 

And when I woke up this morning, I was oh so very sleepy and so very tired and wanted to stay in bed - but fear was gone.  There was peace where there had been panic.  There was calm where there was anxiety and I felt like me again.  The real me that fear had paralyzed and had in its grip for far too long these last few months - she was looking back at me in the mirror this morning.

Perfect love casts out all fear.....

My Favorite Season

Our halls are decked.  The stockings are hung.  The tree is up and glowing.  Christmas cards are almost complete and ready to mail.  One gift has already been bought.  Plans are in the works for parties and gatherings and get-togethers. Egg nog is in the fridge and several Christmas Hallmark movies have already been viewed. 

My most favorite time of year has arrived.  Welcome, Christmas season.

Thanksgiving Recap

How's that for an original title?

This hasn't exactly been the week I was hoping for.  I've spent most of it having an awful relapse of this horrible congestion, can't-breathe-through-my-nose, cough thing and the worst part of it, is that I'm not able to sleep through it all.  So I've spent the week exhausted going on maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep each night with a full day on my plate the next day.   It's been disappointing to say the least.

Last night, I think I got about five and a half hours of sleep and it's amazing how five and a half hours of sleep can feel amazing when you only had two the night before.  But I heard that having chronic congestion is actually quite common during pregnancy.  Isn't that just dandy.

Needless to say, my Thanksgiving wasn't bad, but it was sort of blah - mostly because I was feeling blah.

And it started out with a bang the eve of Thanksgiving day when I attempted to make my own pie crusts on about three hours of sleep.  My tiredness affected my brain so much so, that I ended up adding triple the amount of shortening to the recipe for the crusts which of course, made them fall apart.  I managed to do this twice without knowing what I had done wrong.  This proceeded in a full on melt-down and my poor husband wrestled the crowds at the grocery store to bring home some ready-made crusts.  I had finally realized my shortening error by that point, but was feeling so defeated that I surrendered to Pillsbury, put the ready-made dough in my pie pan, and called it a day.

Thanksgiving morning I made an apple pie and the sweet potatoes and some appetizers and got the rolls on to a pan and did dishes and sort-of watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade (while noting that the musicals of this era have nothing on Rogers and Hammerstein or Leonard Bernstein or Andrew Webber and that "Elf" or "Bring it On" should have never been made into a musicals.  Because, really?).  I was exhausted long before noon and the fact that I had no energy sucked almost all of the joy out of me.

Before the meal, Poppy read the Thanksgiving proclamation.  We sat down to eat which took about twenty minutes - even though the meal had taken over a day to prepare. I suppose the biggest disappointment of the day was that as a family, we made no time to go around and talk about what we were thankful for.  What's Thanksgiving if we're not thankful?  *sigh*

That night, Todd, Tommy and I went over to my parents house to participate in an old tradition that I hadn't been part of in years.  We watched Home Alone in honor and memory of my brother.  My nieces and nephews had never seen it before and it was fun to watch them react to all of the silly pranks that Kevin played on the robbers.  The ending to the day was sweet and I was happy to be there and feel part of them.

The day, with its disappointments and sweet moments, it's tables full of food and rooms full of family all growing, changing, getting older, left me with much to be thankful for.  Even if I felt out of it and too exhausted to relish in all that was there.

In the back of my mind all day was our sweet little blessing.  The very active boy growing inside me.  And even though I don't know what the future will look like and all that will change or stay the same with his arrival, this time next year, he will be with us.  And I can't wait.

Today we'll decorate our home for the Christmas season.  We'll put ornaments on the tree and have some hot chocolate and eat leftovers and be together as a little family.  The last Christmas season that we'll be a family of three.

Giving Thanks: Healing

One of the things I love most about this time of year, is that the very essence of the holidays creates the space for mindfulness and reflection.  It's as if gratitude is in the air if you just stop for a moment and breathe it in.  But for me, I seem to have this deeper noticing of my surroundings and my life.  I become very inward, but not in the self-seeking kind of way.  My soul quiets and I pause more and my prayers become more frequent and more thankful rather than sparse and "asky."

Thanksgiving has been one of my most favorite holidays since I was a little girl.  It's a day that is rich with tradition and meaning.  The more I think about it, I think I almost love it more than Christmas.  But all of that has to do with my family.  Even with all of our flaws and wounds and dysfunction,  I don't know many families like ours.

The day starts around noon.  As the families arrive, you can feel a warmth there.  A genuine, comforting warmth that is more than just our bond as relatives.  It's the presence of Christ and what He means to all of us individually.  There is an abundance of food already - chips and dips, and shrimp of course, because Poppy loves it.  And it seems to be a day for abundance and indulgence and we celebrate that well with the amount of food that is prepared.  Sometimes there is football and sometimes not, because other than my Uncle, we're not a big football family.

Before the meal is ready to be eaten, we'll gather in a circle and my Poppy will read the timeless words of Abraham Lincoln's Thanksgiving proclamation.  The president who initiated this holiday - where as a nation under God, we would reserve a day specifically to give thanks to Him as that nation.  As I've grown older, I pay more attention to the words as he reads them.  To the man behind the piece of paper and brown rimmed glasses that I call my Poppy - my Grandfather.  I cannot imagine a Thanksgiving without him, and as we all get older, I find myself especially grateful that my Grandparents are still here with me to share in the day.

The feasting begins.  We eat and we talk and we laugh.  Sometimes we remember and reminisce about Thanksgivings of yesterday.  I love how Thanksgiving sounds like fellowship and togetherness.  Even as a young girl and teenager, I remember sitting there listening to the conversations and laughter and feeling so safe and content.  Wanting to memorize my surroundings and bottle up those moments and save them for the days when I needed a bit of security and ease. 

Over the years, I've had to live with the familiar ache knowing that while it would bring me joy and comfort to talk about my mom and the memories we have of her from this time of year, that for most, it feels painful and awkward to do that.  I'm more comfortable with tears and maybe even with grief.  Kindness has looked like accepting my family for where they are at with her memory and respecting their own places of grief and sorrow.  Letting God have my holed-heart and asking Him to fill it instead of looking to my family to do that for me.  I've learned to sit and be present in all that isn't there.  And I've learned to sit and be present in all that is there.

This year hasn't gone as I expected or planned for it to.  There have been disappointments and hiccups and in some ways, I've feel like I've just been floating through 2012 trying to make sense of it all.  Other than my marriage that God miraculously and graciously held together and of course, the blessing of another pregnancy, I've watched my relationships with my family grow and heal and blossom.  Especially with my sister and my dad, but mostly with my Robin. In all of the places that I'm left with questions or doubts or longings, I can clearly see where God has restored the years to me that the locust took.  Where he has brought healing to my heart and how that has trickled down to the relationships I share with my family.

That is the place I'm sitting this year.  Aware of what was lost, and knowing that I've taken the time to grieve after spending most of my life avoiding that pain.  Finally being in a place where my grief has allowed my heart to open again to see the glory of what isn't and what is. And having a peace that surpasses any need for for understanding.

I'm thankful for healing and that there really is a time for all things.

Vacation Monday

So far today....

I woke up to Tommy dancing to music videos on TV.  (Someone has learned how to turn the TV on and channel surf *sigh*).

Shared a waffle breakfast with my little guy.

I completed my giant Thanksgiving grocery trip and I think I actually remembered everything.

I ate Mexican food.

Then I took a nap. 

Woke up to my frozen dough that I bought for Thanksgiving rolls, melting and rising in their bags on top of my stove because someone forgot to put them in the freezer.

I've organized my pantry.

Worked some more on my Christmas cards.

Caught Tommy raiding the chocolate chip cookies.

And I've been instructed by my boss to quit working....yes, I took some work home because I'm crazy or something.  So it's officially put away.

And I found something incredible at the store.  Something that almost makes life complete.

That's right.  Pumpkin spice pudding.

It's really been a perfect Monday as far as Mondays go.

If you'll excuse me, I've got some pudding to make.