Nooks and Crannies

You know those nooks and crannies in your house right?  The ones that you wouldn't want anyone to see, because even though your home is beautifully decorated and mostly cleanish, when you have friends over to visit, they don't see that you have a darker side that often manifests itself in the horror of the hidden nook or cranny.  

And you know what places I'm talking about right?  Where dirt has collected or where you haven't quite gotten around to cleaning or organizing yet, because what's really the point when no one knows it's there but you anyway?  You manage to hide them or disguise them and they go unseen and unknown and you can maintain your awesome reputation of having a well kept home or whatever it is that you want people to assume about you when they come over to your house.   

Probably, if you knew someone were going to see your hidden places of filth, you would do something about it.  The nasty nooks and crannies would get cleaned, because heaven forbid, someone could conclude that if you actually kept something that grimy in your house, what kind of housekeeper/homemaker/domestic-goddess/human being are you?!

But, there are some friendships that transcend the nooks and crannies.  Some friends, the realest and dearest ones, know the nooks and crannies of your heart and your story and still want to grab lunch with you and ask you for recipe ideas and will still sit for hours and talk with you about life.  And knowing that they will actually see the nooks and crannies of your home up close and personal is nothing - you know they won't shudder or even blink an eye at it.

(Real nook and cranny in my house.  Ew.)

Such was the case last night. My oldest and dearest and best of friends came over after I had a very rough day.  I spent most of it crying because reality had finally sunk in that my husband is in freaking North Dakota and I'm about to be done with working full-time and the thought of being a stay-at-home-mom is mildly terrifying.  And then there's the fact that I'm almost 34 weeks pregnant and I'm all alone and I actually need a significant amount of help around the house until I'm no longer carrying a giant boy in my belly.

She did Tommy's laundry and washed my dishes and cleaned my counters and even gave Tommy a bath - all tasks that include the bending over thing that gets my back into a mess every time.

She saw my shameful nook and cranny that I'm sure no other friend has ever seen, and she handled Tommy's dramatics in the bath tub quite well and everything.  She insisted that it was way more fun to clean someone else's home anyway. 

I felt awkward and helpless.  But, I felt blessed and loved on too.  I was reminded that love does things.  It doesn't just offer to pray for you or drop you a line on Facebook. It's more than that.

It gives.  It comes.  It shows up.  It cleans and washes and bends over and gets messy and doesn't tire of any of the doing because the very nature of love is action.  This friend knows how to love well and her love for me over the years has done and given and served endlessly.  She knows that love sees the nooks and crannies and is able to accept them and see past them because we are so much more than the nooks and crannies that we can sometimes allow to define us. 

One of her text messages earlier in the day after I was finally done battling whether or not I wanted her to come over and accept her offer of love and help said, "Yay for you truly allowing others to see you messy and needy!"

I told her she was way more excited about this than I was, and I would have to celebrate that in retrospect.  Because in the moment I felt like a dweeb (my actual word was pathetic) that I needed help with simple tasks around the house. 

But love can only do when we let others in to see our need.  When we let them into our mess and into the filthy nooks and crannies we want to hide and cover up and pretend don't exist.  Only then can we know love and feel loved and be able to really accept it as it was intended to be given.

And last night I did just that.  I let her see my messy tupperware cabinet and the nasty grime that has collected in the washroom where my laundry soap sits.  And she saw my untidy bedroom and the pile of shoes that collect near the front door.  At the end of the night when my counters were sparkling and my boy was bathed clean and I was resting in my recliner, I felt loved.  I felt loved for how she helped me and I felt loved in spite of my nooks and crannies and all of the places where I am currently in need.

It was there that I was able to breathe.  And to rest.

Rough

It was a rough morning at my house.  Tommy wanted to talk to dad on the computer and not the phone, but Todd doesn't yet have access yet to Skype with us.  He was upset at the sight of my half-packed hospital bag and wanted to take everything out of it.  He wanted the other kind of cereal and the other cup that was dirty in the sink.  And he most definitely did not want me to go to work. 

Everything seemed to upset my little boy and at one point we were both crying at the same time. 

He misses his daddy and he's barely been gone.  I'm already just mentally exhausted being on my own.  Todd is my rock and he calms me down and he helps with so much.  Not having him near is just as hard and lonely as I imagined it would be.  And the discouraging part is knowing that it's only day three.

The biggest battle of the morning was the fact that I had to go to work and take Tommy to his home daycare - again.   He didn't want to go and I think he's burnt out.  He has had to go every day for almost three weeks because Todd's mom has been out of town caring for her sick father.  So instead of going to the daycare place twice a week, it's been every day.  It felt like he was asking for a break today, but I couldn't give it to him.  I have to keep pushing on and so does he and somehow it felt like the cruelest thing in the world.

Naturally, by the time we were finally ready and out the door and I had him dropped off, he seemed to forget that he didn't want me to go to work and was fine.  Kids have a way of bouncing back that is harder for grown-ups maybe.  He went on his merry way, while for me, the tears flowed all the way to work and I'm struggling to focus on the tasks at hand - getting everything organized and in place for the new person they've already hired to replace me.

I know this whole season will come with ups and downs and some days will be harder than others. 

But today is officially the first hard day.

A new beginning

In many ways, our weekend was full of normal.  We ran errands and finished projects up around the house.  We ate together and hung out with friends and got groceries.  On Saturday evening we even went to a wedding reception for a friend of mine - where Todd got a little dressed up and may have made me drool.

Seriously ya'll, my man is hot.  Or as I hashtagged that evening, #myhusbandissofreakinghot.  I will never know how I married such a hottie.

But then we had to pack his suitcase and it reminded me that the weekend wasn't really that normal after all.  In the midst of the regular every day conversations, there was also "Don't forget your sunglasses and your phone charger."  And "I printed up your itinerary," and "I don't think you can wear steel-toed boots on airplanes anymore."

Yesterday was the hardest and I was weepy most of the day.  I cried through the songs at church and through the sermon our Pastor gave and during communion too.  We went out to lunch with a big group for pizza where we laughed and talked as we've done on many Sundays together.  There was a time of prayer over Todd and our friends asking specifically what they could help with.  One is bringing me a lasagna when she makes hers and another wants to know when they can come over and take out my trash.  Another asked, "Are you really going to ask for help when you need it?  Please ask, okay?  I'm there for whatever you need help with - seriously."  And I believed her. 

It left us both, and maybe me moreso, feeling very cared for and loved.  We are remembered and surrounded by a community that though are still somewhat new to us, leave us feeling really a part of something special - how church is really intended to be.  They aren't just people I say hi to on Sundays and have conversations about surfacy things with at after-church lunches.  They're real and sincere and open and I've come to love them and being part of them.  That's when it's hard to not let my wander to thoughts of....if we move away, I'll lose this.

Tommy had tears yesterday too.  We had been talking to him all week about Todd's departure and new job and leaving on an airplane, but something sunk in yesterday morning as he wrapped his arms around his daddy and cried big, messy tears.  Oh did this mama cry....when you realize that you can't keep your children from feeling pain... talk about a whole new level of parenthood.

Todd ran out last night to take care of a few things, and when he returned, came back with a beautiful arrangement of colorful flowers.  I was hoping for them and it made me smile when I saw him walk in the door with roses and hydrangeas and lilies yet to bud, in hand. 

After Todd left early this morning, I noticed that the lilies had opened overnight.  They are my favorite color.  Yellow - bright, cheerful, happy.  Reminding me of hope and change.  And promise.  It felt like God was saying to me, "I am doing something beautiful here Jennifer.  See?!"

The time for goodbye has come.  He is gone and is already half way across the country.  All that we are risking became very real this morning as he rolled his suitcase out of our front door and headed off to the airport, leaving us behind in hopes of the more we have prayed and longed for together all these years. 

And though I'm a bit sad, I'm already missing him, and have to consciously lay my fears aside about all that is ahead, I also feel much like the bright yellow lilies that greeted me this morning.

A new beginning, a new chapter, a new adventure....it's here. 

Style and Change and Blood Pressure

Several years ago, you would have never caught me wearing yellow gold jewelry.  I basically hated it and swore I would never wear yellow gold anything because it just wasn't my thing.  Interestingly enough though, I've slowly been integrating yellow gold jewelry into my accessory hoard and actually like to wear it now.  I guess taste and style can change just like we do.

The same has been true of how I decorate and arrange my home.  I've simplified quite a bit.  I've grown out of certain things and enjoy a more classic approach with a few touches of things that some might deem as "country" or "rustic."

Getting to make up a nursery for Jacob has been fun, and honestly, I'm a bit more excited about it than I was with Tommy's baby room.  It's evident where my style and tastes have changed in regards to decorating, and where it's still the same too.  I've crafted things, but have also taken a more modern approach to it.  I realized this last night when my Grandparent's semi-gawked at my brightly orange painted dresser and asked if I would be refinishing it.  To their surprise, I let them know that was the refinished and final product.

It's no matter if others don't care for my baby boy's orange dresser - I like how it looks.  It's the pop of color I wanted in the soft baby room I've been creating and dreaming about all these months.  But it's funny to see how my tastes have changed and how an orange dresser is quite reflective of that.

I've slowly been getting the crafty projects complete and things are almost finished and in place.  Now I just need to get the essentials in order - like extra crib sheets and changing pad covers and bottles.  Practicality isn't my forte' - can you tell?  Finish the frivolous nursery before getting the essentials - it's how I roll. 

I added one thing to the nursery yesterday - some special words for our son.  I wanted to have something in his room that represented our hopes for him as a boy and as he grew into a man.  Words that spoke vision and hope and truth.  I created it through this fun website - super easy project.

This entire pregnancy, I've had gold-star worthy doctor visits.  My weight gain has basically been nothing - and Todd and my best friend are the only people who know the real number because I'm afraid any other woman would hate me if they found out how much I haven't gained.  But basically, when you're already overweight, little to no weight gain is a good thing and that's where I've camped out.  However, this morning, my blood pressure was elevated - which could have been because of high emotions and some of the stress I'm under.  And it's hard not to worry and get ramped up about what my body is doing, but it's apparent that the need for rest and relaxation and to calm down is crucial.  I must.

I wish that our internal selves - the parts of us that are inclined to stress and worry and get worked up - could change and evolve like our style or tastes do - with ease.  Behavior and they way that we are wired are the things that are much harder to change because they come from much deeper places in ourselves.

So if you think about me this weekend, would you pray for me?  Pray that I could find some rest and calm in the midst of all that is changing for us to keep my blood pressure levels down and where they need to be.  And that I could continue to take care of my body and the sweet boy I'm carrying.

I'm off to enjoy the weekend with my little family before my husband leaves, which includes a wedding reception tomorrow night and lunch with our church friends on Sunday.

I might even wear my gold jewelry.

on cloudy days

The weather suits my mood today.  It's gray, dreary, drizzly and barely cool.  It's melancholy and reminds me of what disappointment feels like.

Todd gets to spend the day with Tommy today.  Having some extra special father-son time before his departure which will include Tommy's requests of playing at McDonalds and going to look at trucks.  And my heart breaks a little bit more each day as we get closer to Monday, because he is only three and a half and there is so much he can't and won't be able to understand.

I keep wondering what caring for his heart is supposed to look like and if we will do it well. 

I'm aware of how I want to keep my son from feeling pain, from causing him damage and hurting his heart and how I only have so much control over that.  God has used pain and my inability to understand things to draw me to His heart, yet I want to shield my son from knowing pain and abandonment and disappointment.  Oh being a parent comes with so much....

I received a text message last night that said "cancer."  It's come for someone I'm close to, a family I dearly love.  And it feels heavy and hard and much like the sad gray that I see when I look out the window this morning.

A sweet girl trusted me with part of her story last night - where she is struggling and feeling evil's assaults on her heart and her body and how she lives.  It reminds me of how God has brought me healing so that I can fight and come along side of others.  It reminds me that evil is relentless - that it comes and it comes and there is always war to be waged.

My body is tired. The end of this pregnancy is feeling difficult and wearing and I'm feeling done.  Yet, I'm growing anxious with wondering how I will be a mother of two.  That role feels so big and I hope I'm ready for it.

It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed every morning and get ready for work.  Partially because I have three weeks until it's quitting time and it feels forever away.  And partially because my body wants more rest than I'm giving it. 

Still resisting rest at every turn.

The clock is ticking.  The days are going by quickly and I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed, emotional at what is all changing and happening in our lives so quickly.  Trying to give my fears to God and lay my worries aside and just do this day that I am in right now.  Yet it feels like our lives are at the end of something and parts of it need grieving as those ends come. 

Grieving and tears and sadness before the spring.  Before the new.

The lasts

Todd headed off to work this morning much like he has in the six and a half years I've known him.  His alarm set, and unlike me, able to get right out of bed when it goes off.  He puts on his socks and his watch and then brushes his teeth, gets dressed and he's ready and out the door within fifteen minutes.

As I watched him walk out the door this morning, Tommy's little hand in his own, I was aware that it would be the very last time I would see this.  Todd taking Tommy to his home daycare, and heading off to this job that has drained him, frustrated him and sucked the life out of him for so many years.  While we have been grateful for employment and amazing health insurance and paid vacation time - things that so many don't have or must live without - my heart leapt a little inside as I thought about how much was changing for him.  How his longings are becoming a reality.  And what he is giving up and risking for all of us.

I'm a deep feeler.  So it may come as no surprise to know that I sat with this image, my husband walking out the door of our home and heading off to his last day of this old job probably FOREVER - and let myself feel the weight of it.  How wonderful and sad and amazing and scary it all is.  When I posted our big news yesterday, the consensus on my Facebook wall seemed to be for the most part, "How exciting and scary!"  If it feels both scary and exciting for others, you can imagine how deep I am feeling both of those emotions.

I am in my weeks of lasts as well - and not just with my pregnancy.  I gave my notice at my job yesterday and plan to have my last day of work be February 22nd.  At this time, I have no plans of working full time again, though of course, things could change or fall through and if it's needed, I'll put on my working hat and go back somewhere - whether here or in North Dakota.  While I'm looking forward to the rest and not driving in traffic or being elbow deep in paperwork anymore, I also wonder if I have the SAHM gene in me.  If I can do this well and not go crazy being home with two young children every day.  Perhaps like everything else, I'll have to take that one day at a time too.

So it's Wednesday and I'm soaking in more of the lasts.  Feeling all of this as it comes, day by day and moment by moment.  It's been hard not to let my mind wander to life a week from now, or three weeks from now, or a few months from now.  All of the little details that have yet to fall into place as we are taking this process one wobbly step at a time.

It's a bit scary not to have a complete plan, yet we've been invited to trust and that's what we're doing.  I guess that's why they call it faith.

Changing normal

After work yesterday, Todd and I came home and got dinner started. He put some burgers on the grill while I prepared the trimmings.  One of the perks to living in south Texas is that January can sometimes mean spring-like temperatures, which is definitely the case this week.  Burgers sounded like the perfect thing to have on a south Texas "winter's" night.

Tommy kept running back and forth, from inside to outside, wanting to be with both of us at the same time.  Our evening was normal - our normal.  Where we enjoy our little family and talk about our day, eat a simple meal, and check a thing or two off of the baby-is-almost-here list.

But last night felt extra special.  Probably because the normal that we've known for so long is about to change.  It was the very last Monday that will look like having us both home after work, Tommy's energy bounding through the house and the backyard.

This time next week my husband will be in North Dakota and I will more than likely be sitting at my desk at work wiping away tears and trying to think about anything but his departure and how many miles are separating us.

The long-awaited, much anticipated job that we have been hoping for Todd has finally come through.  Only, it's looked different, much different, than we had originally thought it would.  There is much excitement in the air, though I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't just as equally terrified about the whole thing too.

Todd sent me a text message yesterday telling me that he had turned in all of his paperwork at his current job to begin his leave of absence, making this even more real.  I've been absorbing all of this in waves, finding myself feeling excited and at peace one moment, and crying the next.  All of this has come with more tears and aching than I thought it would, considering the timing of it all.  It's the end of my pregnancy and so close to the birth of Jacob....and now my husband, my beloved, has to leave.

This is the thing that has come with tears and tissues and trust and many late night conversations. Todd is taking a new job - leaving the safety and security and the predictability of the work that he has known for TWENTY-SIX years - and taking a huge leap into something new.  An endeavor that could possibly have us packing for northern country by the summer, if not sooner.  But an endeavor that will allow him growth and the challenge he longs for and the ability to provide for us the way he has always wanted to.

In the last week, I've watched my husband come alive.  He has filled with excitement and hope and something new inside.  I see a spark inside of him starting to grow even though I know he has his own share of fears about what we are doing and what is all changing.  I have fiercely prayed for this - for change and a new job and for more for my man.  For years.  Years.  And while it's always amazing to see God an answer a prayer, those answers can come at the oddest times or in ways that you wouldn't expect.  Todd leaving me in the third trimester of pregnancy and on my own with our three year old son, isn't exactly how I would have wanted God to answer this particular prayer.  And yet His ways are mysterious and glorious and somehow all of this will be as it's supposed to.

It's quite risky.  There are pro's and con's on both sides, but at the end of the day we have both felt God's leading in this direction.  Even though this comes at a cost, especially his absence for Tommy and I for a season, we both feel at peace about taking these first steps that are in front of us right now.  Even if it may eventually lead us all the way to North Dakota.  Which is very, very far away from Texas and all that we have known here for our entire lives. 

Todd will be back before Jacob is born.  He is making sure that I am cared for and looked out for in his absence as he has talked to his dad and my dad and friends at church and given them all instructions and asked for their help.  We are hoping that the wonders of technology will allow Tommy to still see Todd even if it is just over a computer screen.  For all of these things, I am grateful.

The last several days have been full of affection.  Of extra long embraces and kisses.  And the next several days are sure to be full of more of the same.  Our lives are about to to completely change and be turned upside down by this new job and a baby and so many other things.

So for now, I'm going to soak in the lasts of the normalcy we've known for six and a half years, cry when the waves of sadness or fear come, and lean on my crazy, wild, surprising God who is leading us into what could be the adventure of a lifetime.