Blessings come through raindrops....

I heard a new song this morning. It was no coincidence that I stumbled across it twice. It was as if God said, "Have a listen daughter. You need to hear this."

I have felt broken, humbled and weepy at the words of this song, especially where I've been lately as I've been looking at my neediness. I have been sitting in some hard and uncomfortable places with God as I've been looking at the place where I feel like He himself dealt me a devastating blow years ago. I've finally invited God back into my heart into a place where it has been closed and off limits to Him for years.

The song I heard this morning felt like a gift of His gracious and beautiful care for my heart. He knows what I need. He knows how music speaks to me. He knows how using music and beautifully written lyrics softens my heart to Him. It's as if I can hear Him more clearly and am left aching to be filled with Him and wish more than anything I could feel His real and tangible nail scarred hands wrapped around me....

The song been on repeat since this morning. I'm wanting to sit here for a while and just be still and quiet.

More thoughts to come later....

LISTEN HERE if you like.

One day at a time

I read something in my devotional today that was interesting:

"I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time." - God.

This devotional is cool. It's like God says something to me every single day and I love the snippets of things it has given me to think about. And actually, this was yesterday's reading, but that's not the point.

God understands our frailty. He decided that a 24 hour day was enough for us to handle at once. We can only bear the weight of what God has for us today - whether that weight is burdensome or glorious. There is a reason we don't know what tomorrow holds for us. We are just supposed to take on today. Not tomorrow, not next week, and not next month.

I was flipping through my calendar this afternoon and looking at the events to come in the next several months.

Grace Group tomorrow night.

Tommy's much needed haircut Friday morning.

Red Tent dinner on Friday evening.

Gramma is coming over to my house this Saturday.

Todd is out of town this weekend working on a hunting lease.

The last night of Grace Group for the semester.

My monthly morning visit with Sarah.

Getting ready for Easter - baking decorated Easter egg sugar cookies and getting Tommy's basket together.

Easter and family festivities that day.

Rheumatoid Arthritis appointment the day after Easter.

Heather's birthday.

SALTS - the whole first week of May.

Mother's Day.

A more full-time work schedule beginning in May.

Shelley's lingerie shower.

Sing on worship team at church.

Another Red Tent Dinner.

Our 5 year Wedding Anniversary.

My best friend Sarah's 30th birthday.

A sales tax workshop I get to attend for an entire day. *yawn*

Driving to Houston for fun pre-wedding activities and a fun, long weekend.

Shelley's wedding.

And that's just up to June 18th.

I'm a "planner." I get some strange amount of adrenaline from being able to write events in my calendar of fun places to go or things to do. I think maybe it gives me a sense of purpose or importance and I'm sure I could find a fair measure of depravity in my need for seeing a full social calendar every month. Yet, I am also aware of where I say "no" to things and when I feel like life is feeling full too.

But I digress.

As much as I tend to "plan" for the days, weeks and months ahead, there is no telling what tomorrow holds. There is no telling what circumstances could change that would have a ripple effect on all of the plans I have made for the future. And I often catch my focus or my thoughts on the days to come rather than enjoying the very day I am in or accomplishing what needs to be done in this day.

He knows that I can only bear the weight of one day at a time. I'm feeling curious today about what I'm missing out on by trying to bear the weight of my tomorrows. I'm curious what He might have for me on this very day. Just a regular, ordinary Tuesday.

"There is abundant Life in My Presence today." - God. (The last line of the same devotional for the day).

Though I may be worried about my tomorrows or even if I'm even excited about them, there is abundant life to be had today.

There is life abundant in the rest of my workday, in the drive home, in the preparing of dinner, in the playing with, reading to, and bathtime with Tommy, in my work-out, in my time spent with Todd when he gets off of work, in our reading together before we go to sleep....those things aren't on my "calendar." There is much life there in a very unplanned or seemingly uneventful day.

I wonder where and how I might experience more of Him when I stop worrying about or planning for all of my tomorrows....

Weekend Finds

On Friday morning I went to a book fair. Apparently, this fair comes every year to sell gadzooks of used books. All hardback books sell for $1 and all paperback books sell for $.50 cents each. And since my son is quite the bookworm, I decided it would be "fun" to go to the fair and find some new books for him. I'm not sure who is more over the books he currently has - me or him. Either way, it was time for some new reads.

I don't think anything could have prepared me for the little book fair that we went to though. I just remember walking in the doors thinking I was going to have a relaxing morning, perusing through books, visiting with my friend who I had met there and entertaining Tommy with the books we were looking at. Haha.

The book fair was being held at a local athletic center where several school districts play all of their games. After walking in and looking down onto the gym floor from the stairs, it looked like a million ants crawling over a cookie that someone had left out. If my mother-in-law hadn't have been with me, I would have needed to leave as there was no way I could have kept up with Tommy and found books at the same time.

I found the children's section of the chaos and quickly learned that others treated this sale like a Black Friday situation. There was pushing and shoving and grabbing and I wanted to tell several people, "Um, I'm pretty sure there's enough books to go around!" Seriously, there were thousands upon thousands, maybe even over a million books in this place. It was INSANITY.

Thankfully. I managed to find my way through the vicious moms pushing their screaming children in strollers. I almost got knocked over by a lady in a wagon, but I found a ton of new books for Tommy. Once my box was full I got in line to check out - I could only take so much!

I got Tommy 24 new books!
And I managed to find a few old copies of "The Babysitter's Club" books. I had those when I was growing up and I have always regretted throwing them away. So anytime I find one anywhere, I snatch it up and add it to my collection.
All 24 books for Tommy and 13 BSC books for my inner child was only $26. (Pretty sure they miscounted and I was undercharged - I realized this after getting home). Either way, I was all about the deals. Even with the insane crowds and the pushing and shoving, it was kind of worth it. And I will probably go back next year because you can't beat paying .50 cents or $1 for any book!

Because look at my little guy! We were in new book heaven all weekend!
Both of us were busy all afternoon reading all of his new books - oh it's so nice to have something new to read!
I also found Tommy's Easter suit this weekend. Todd's mom bought it for us. He's going to be so handsome!
Todd was off on Saturday, so we attempted to venture out......
We drove up to Cabela's. I took Tommy to the toy section of the store where he found a truck that he couldn't live without.
And we lasted all of 20 minutes before we had a severe meltdown and it was time to go and get our nap on.
I was one of those moms carrying my kicking, screaming and hitting child out of the store while everyone was looking at me with wide eyes and I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking of me. Because I remember pre-Tommy, feeling sorry for anyone I ever saw like that or wondering if they were kidnapping a child, because what child could act like that towards their parent? Um yeah....

Books, Easter outfits and trucks aside, we had a nice weekend all together even though each part didn't look exactly like I had hoped it would. Things rarely go as you plan and I'm trying to learn to just roll with the punches and find enjoyment in the places that I can.

Did you find anything good this weekend?

Needing

*This quite possibly could be the most real and personal thing I have ever shared on my blog before. And though it feels kind of big to put out into the blogosphere, I feel as though I may explode if I don't. I am coming alive and experiencing healing and freedom in my story that is life-changing. I guess I felt the need to express that to the readers that I don't see or know in my every day life....Thank you.*

Neediness. I am needy.

I have hated that I need God to live and survive.
I have hated that I need others to come through for me in order to live and survive.
I have hated that I need food to live and survive.
I have hated myself for ever being in need of anything.

The theme of hating my neediness is all over my story.

When I have had an actual need that has gone unmet for me, I go somewhere violent or damaging with it.

At some point as a child I made an agreement with evil that it was a bad thing to be in need. It was bad to need something from someone else. It was bad for me to need my mother's love. It was bad for me to need new clothes because I was growing. It was bad for me to need my parent's to stay together and not divorce. It was bad for me to need to see God come in and do something big to know that He was real and that He loved me.

To need something meant that something was wrong with me, that I was an inconvenience, that I was too much or I was expensive. And when I had legitimate needs, I rarely, if ever, voiced them. I tried to figure it out on my own and fulfill my own needs. I poured contempt over myself for what I needed because it hadn't been filled for me.

The self-loathing and self-hatred that I have carried around for years has had this tough exterior layer that has been hard for me to break through. I know - I've been at this for years. Last night, I finally broke through it and found the messy, muddy, slime of my shame that was underneath it.

I feel like a great mystery has been solved. A light bulb has gone off and I can suddenly see what has been underneath my self-hating all of these years. The places I went to have my needs met are tragic, violent and ugly. I have carried immense shame over what I have done to get what I needed. I can't say those things here - there is too much to share and it wouldn't feel kind to go into detail here. But those places are tragically sad and they exist. And in this place is where I have camped out in various addictions over the years - the main one of course being with food. And under all of this shame was me. The real me who was just a human being in need of something.

I was created to need.
I was created with a hole that needed to be filled.
I was created with a stomach that needs to be nourished so my body can thrive and do what is needed of me.
I was created to need food!
I was created with an empty heart that only God could fill up with his unbroken and lasting love.
I was created with a soul that needs relationship, affection, fellowship and friendship with others.
I was created with a need for consistency and stability - but only the kind that God can provide.
I was created with a need for a warm, safe and loving home.
I was created to need these things.
They are good, God-given, normal, natural needs.

I was a needy little girl. I was a needy teenager. I was a needy young adult. I am a needy woman. A desperately, gloriously needy woman.

I don't want to agree with evil anymore that it's bad to be in need. I don't want to agree with evil anymore that I have to fulfill my own needs and seek out violent or damaging ways of doing so. I am needy - and it's a glorious, wonderful thing to be so!

Since about 9:00pm last night I have felt the icier parts of my heart that I have felt towards God start to melt. I am feeling warm and soft and tender and alive there. I don't hate that I need Him anymore. I was created to need Him. It's good to need Him. I am at rest knowing of my beautiful and desperate need for Him....

The Faces on my Couch

I have a couch. It's leather and dark cherry brown and it's comfortable too I suppose.

But my couch is special. It's special because of the faces that come and sit with me there. The couch holds the faces of people dear to my heart. The couch is special because of the stories shared, the struggles fought for, and the laughs or tears had on it with various women in my life.

I guess since I became a mom, more often than not, my social life happens at my house, on my couch. Rather than out a restaurant over a margarita or a cup of Starbucks. My couch has become kind of this sacred place where not only do I have my quiet time and journal before Tommy wakes up or I head off to work, but it's become a place where precious women come to sit and share their hearts and life with me.

Sometimes it's Anna. My cousin and friend. We talk about our obsession with Bravo and the Real Housewives. We talk about our family. We talk about our longings and dreams and struggles. We talk about how we have seen one another transform throughout the years. We offer each other life and encouragement and truth.

Sometimes it's Sarah. We try to meet up once a month and share breakfast and coffee on my day off of work and before she has to go in to work. We talk about life and where we are struggling, where we are wanting more and needing more. Our visits leave us both feeling rejuvenated and grateful for deep friendship.

Sometimes it's Mal. We talk about married life quite often -where we struggle, where we have fun, where it's hard, and where it's good. We swap cooking and baking advice and she enjoys my little boy. I love watching them interact and being near her always makes me feel more youthful and vibrant.

Sometimes it's Tiffany. Since we are sisters-in-law, we talk about family and relationships and work and all the needed gossip and drama we have to get out or otherwise explode. We are so alike that it's uncanny and being in relationship with her has always come natural and easy. We have fun together, laugh together and understand each other. And soon her face won't be appearing much on my couch anymore as she's moving away. And both me and my couch will miss her like crazy and I'm still trying to not think about it because I will cry everywhere for days when she's gone.

Sometimes it's Andrea. She comes over most every Wednesday and I've enjoyed knowing her and being known by her. I am aware of what a gift it is for her to trust me and talk to me. She reminds me where I have impact and I have enjoyed our friendship and fellowship since we started meeting on a more regular basis.

Every once in a while it's Heather and I wish she were there more. I love how she always makes herself comfortable and curls up on one end of the couch and then talks to me knowing that she belongs there and that she is safe and she can unwind and be herself and it's okay to do that there.

On a more rare occasion these days, it's sometimes Shelley. She makes herself comfortable and puts on her pj's when she comes to stay the night at our house. And we will stay up late to talk about our stories and our lives and soak each other in as our time together isn't as frequent as we'd like.

Sometimes it's Bethany or Sarah and they bring their little boys so that Tommy has someone to play with while we try to visit and talk about grown up things on the couch. We talk about motherhood and marriage and life and it always feels sad to see either of them go because they are two of my very best friends and I wish there could be more time for grown up conversation.

Lori used to come sit on my couch until she moved away. On colder nights we ate grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato basil soup and drank coffee. And sometimes when she comes to town to visit, my couch awaits her visit and I love to listen to all of her very exciting stories about her very exciting life.

And of course there is Todd. He has seen the best and worst of me on that couch. Tear stained, sick, angry, lazy.....rested, happy, playful, seductive. We cuddle there, we cry there, we fight there, we plan there, we offer life and truth to one another there.

Interesting to think how so many friendships and conversations and REALationship happens on one couch. I hope it continues to invite more of the same over the years.

This post is dedicated to my cousin Anna who often texts me to tell me that she misses being there to sit on my couch. You inspired this post today. There's always a spot for you girl...and grape koolaid waiting for you in the fridge.

Me vs. The All-Powerful Rice Krispy Treat

Rice krispy treats could very well be my kryptonite. They feel like one of those foods that gets me every time and I feel powerless in their presence. Perhaps they are easy to consume in mass quantities because they aren't incredibly filling and they are oh so tasty.

I don't make them very often anymore. Because I know myself, I know my triggers and until I am in a place where habits I am still forming are my actual ways of living, I really don't think I can have them in my house.

Much to my dismay, a pan of rice krispy treats made their way into my house over the weekend. Todd's mom brought a small pan over on Sunday evening when she came to stay with Tommy so we could go out. And there they sat on my counter. Waiting to be consumed by me.

This feels really embarrassing to admit. And if this story didn't have a happy ending, I probably wouldn't be telling it here today. But last night I had a smallish piece after I ate dinner. I was good, full, content and done eating. And then I went back for another small piece. And that's when the full on battle began.

After that point, I think I went in and out of the living room to the kitchen half a dozen times. I would look at those damn rice krispy treats and put the foil back on and walk away.

Over and over again.

It felt silly and stupid and pathetic and I believe that's what I was telling myself the entire time. My usual habit and belief is that it would be far easier to just consume all of them so that whatever it is that is tempting me is just gone and the battle for them will be over. And I'll be defeated but at least they will be gone and the intensity that I am feeling inside will pass.

I used to smoke years ago. And what I experienced with those treats last night could equivocate to what a nicotine fit feels like - when you need a cigarette and you can't have one. I felt panicky and hot and cold at the same time. I had to concentrate on my breathing and did everything I could do to distract myself. I've been using some new techniques to battle urges like this and to my surprise, they actually worked. But more than that, I realized and experienced the strength inside of me to overcome it.

As gross as it feels to admit that I am talking about rice krispy treats here, this is kind of a big deal. Because it's not just the rice krispy treats. It's not just this one instance. This is my life. This is my addiction. This is battleground for my heart and I am fighting like hell here.

And last night. I won. I didn't just defeat rice krispy treats or the urge to consume the rest of the pan. I gave my eating disorder a huge blow. I kicked it in the ass and told it that I'm strong and that I can change.

And I am changing. Day by day, moment by moment. I am changing.

Reconnecting

Todd worked quite a bit over the weekend. His shift on Saturday was so awful that he was ready to walk out and just never go back. And I can't blame him. It's thankless and grueling work. It's physically demanding and it goes late into the night when he would rather be home.

Even so, we truly made the most of our time together this weekend. We stayed up late talking. We watched a couple of movies. We prayed and read together. And you know, some other things too.

The weekend felt like we were able to reconnect again. We experienced a taste of what is to come on a more regular basis after this pizza delivering season finally comes to an end. It reminded me of what we had together before this started and what we still have together. And that even though our time feels few and far between right now, we still love each other and we're going to make it through this time in our life where it has often felt like we had started to unravel in certain places. Over the weekend, I felt us rethreading what had come undone these last several months. And this morning, my heart is still singing.

About an hour before Tommy's bedtime last night, we headed out together for kind of an impromptu date night. We didn't do anything particularly exciting. We ran a couple of errands, walked around Walmart and found Tommy a blow-up swimming pool and more Matchbox cars that he kind of doesn't need. We shared a cup of icecream and ate it outside where awesome oldies were playing. And we went to the grocery store together. And maybe it sounds silly, but I've always loved grocery shopping with my husband. Something that feels like a mundane chore is always more fun when we're together. He slaps my butt when we walk down the aisle or we stop for a kiss next to the cereal. And sorry if this is TMI - but I'm still feeling the warm fuzzies and I'm still wanting to relish in them.
We (hopefully) only have a couple more months of him being gone more than he's home. And I'm sure there are still some rough or lonely or long weekends ahead spent without him. But I think we're gonna be okay.

In fact, I'm sure of it.