The giant-scary-scorpion-monster

When Todd and I got engaged I told him that there were a few things he needed to know about me if he was going to marry me and commit to the forever thing. One of those things was that I absolutely hated doing dishes and he might have to do them on occasion (or all the time). And another thing was that I absolutely, positively hated bugs. And that he was going to have to take care of any and all bug situations that would invade our married life. (And yes, there were other things of more deeper and transparent nature, but those things are kind of none of your business.)

So that being said.....

It was an ordinary Monday night. Todd was still out delivering pizzas and I was home alone as usual. I decided to do my work-out and then watch the re-aired episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. (So addicted to that drama).

I was minding my own business and had just gotten out of the shower when I saw this in our big garden tub.
Pretty sure I screamed out loud all by myself.

I ran to get my phone and called Todd to let him know there was an emergency at home and he needed to leave immediately and rescue from the giant-scary-scorpion-monster. He was close to being off, but he assured me that there was no way the scorpion could climb up the tub and it probably had climbed in through the drain in the tub.

Those words weren't exactly comforting and I'm officially never taking a bath in there again lest some scary thing come crawling out of the drain to kill me.

While on the phone with him I decided to spray it with something. I found our wasp and hornet spray and figured if it could kill a wasp, an extra serving of it might take care of a scorpion. After I sprayed, I screamed again, this time in Todd's ear who is on the other end of the phone. And I just pissed it off and it started running around acting like it was drunk. Sadly, wasp and hornet spray will not take care of a scorpion if you wanted to know.

I wasn't convinced that it couldn't climb out of a bathtub so I grabbed what I needed out of the bathroom and made sure that sucker was going to stay in there.
Yes, that is a towel covering the opening of the door. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

When Todd got home he did his heroic thing and killed the giant-scary-scorpion-monster and proceeded to tell me that he's seen them bigger and this was nothing. (Well, I've seen them smaller and this one was GIANT in my book of scary bugs!)

I'm grateful that he's living up to his bug-killing commitment. Otherwise, we'd have some serious problems - like not being able to get into our bathroom.

My Waterboy

Tommy has been a water baby since he had his first bath. Now, he is a water boy. He LOVES the water.
And fortunately, his birthday falls smack dab in the middle of summer. Perfect for lots of water related activities. His favorite thing these days is manning the water hose and getting himself soaked in the process.
And mama is officially in party-planning mode. My lists are made. My ideas are carefully planned out. I've thoughtfully selected my invitations and plans for everything are underway. Last year's theme was the wild, wild west. And this year....I'm thinking wet n' wild.
(Maybe my newest, most favorite picture EVER).

The Buzzcut

So here's the thing.

Tommy's hair grows really fast. We got his first hair-cut when he was nine months old, and since then, we've had to go get it cut almost every other month to maintain the massive amounts of hair this kid can grow.

But. Do you know how pricey kid hair-cutting places can be? After all is said and done, including tip, it's $20 every time I go. And I'm pretty sure we spent more money on his hair cuts last year than on my one trip the salon. *sigh*

And here's another thing.

I choose to go to the pricey kid-hair-cutting places because Tommy hates getting his hair cut. He acts like someone is trying to kill him, and the whole process is a horribly torturous experience for him. We have yet to be able to get through to him that no one is hurting him. And even though I could take him to some cheapie place and pay under half the price for what I pay, I figure that at the kid-hair-cutting places, they are used to screaming toddlers and fewer people will look at me weird.

So yeah. It's kind of all about me and being self-conscious about what others are thinking about my screaming-bloody-murder child.

All this being said, Tommy was in need of another hair cut. And $20 to spare - have, we did not.

(Why I felt the need to say that last sentence like Yoda, I have NO clue.)

SO. We decided it would be a grand idea to give it a go ourselves. We've been parents for almost two years. We've got this, we thought. Todd manned the clippers and I held my 35 (all muscle) pound child on my lap.

And oh heavens.

To start, we used the wrong size clipper extension. And it was too short. And sadly, once you start, you can't stop. Doing it ourselves was way worse, because now we were the bad guys and not the ones rescuing him from the mean hair-cutting people. Now we ARE the mean hair-cutting people. AND I was covered from head to toe in his hair by the end of it. *sigh*

So yes. Mildly disastrous and I'm not so sure we'll brave this again. At least until he's over his fear of hair cuts and clippers.
He is practically bald. Though we did save $20 and only at the expense of our sanity.
I am however, very grateful that his hair grows super fast. In two weeks time he will look like a normal boy again and not like he's about to enlist in the army.
And if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find a hat or two for my son. (He will actually wear them and keep them on). My budget for those hats you ask?

Yup. $20 bucks.

A good day

It's been a good day.

I slept in until almost 8:00.

Tommy and I shared toddler conversation along with eggs and toast this morning.

We watched Sesame Street.

I did a load of laundry and started the dishwasher.

I paid some bills.

I drove up to New Braunfels and spent the later morning and into the afternoon with Paula and Ellen.

I delighted in the company of these two women.

I was seen. I was heard. I was loved on.

I saw them. I heard them. And I loved on them too.

I entertained and played with my son while having adult conversation.

I listened to Tommy's laugh and laughed with him.

I changed a dirty diaper and wiped a snotty nose.

I shared a story and listened to stories.

I ate tomato basil soup and Cesar salad for lunch.

I laughed and I cried.

I am now enjoying the quiet of the afternoon.

I've decided to leave the laundry and the dishes and ironing and just read and rest before I head out again tonight.

It's been a simple yet extraordinary day.

Yes. It's been a good day.

Progress

Nothing makes me want to eat more than when I am feeling worrisome - especially over money troubles. In the past it has been a pattern of mine to camp out in front of some television show and just eat everything I could get my hands on until my stomach hurt. It's gross to admit that publicly, but it's true.

Last night I made dinner. I also made a small pan of brownies because I was craving chocolate and wanted something sweet. So, I ate my meal. I shared a brownie with Tommy. I did my work-out and even added five minutes on to it. I didn't check out. I didn't over eat. I didn't eat an entire pan of brownies - which is something I could have done in the past. I nourished my body. I enjoyed a treat. I was kind to my body. I took care of myself even in my disappointment and worry.

And after Tommy was in bed and I had done my exercise and taken a shower, I let myself do some things.

I let myself cry.

I let myself feel alone.

I let myself listen to the silence and the quiet and the absence of my husband who I am missing.

I let myself feel the pain of knowing that it's going to still feel like this on at least a month's more worth of weeknights and weekends.

I let myself feel my disappointment.

I let myself question God.

I asked Him if He was punishing me or punishing us for foolish decisions. My heart knew the answer was "no," and I let the truth of that sink in.

I asked Him if He still had us, and if He still had me in this. To which He immediately replied, "Yes. I've got you. I AM."

I know God doesn't speak out loud to us, but He spoke it to my heart and I received it. And maybe that sounds weird, but I know when God is speaking to my heart.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, Todd and I were talking about the day ahead. We were having the bit of conversation that is allotted for a Thursday.

I told him how lousy I felt for powering up and trying to control the situation and what I felt guilty over. I told him how I wish I could see my body change more for all of the work I am putting in. And he gave me words of encouragement. He told me how he has seen me change. He told me that he experienced me responding differently to a very familiar situation for us. And he beamed with love for me as he told me he was proud of me. It felt good to be seen by him where I have made progress and haven't recognized it for myself. It felt glorious to know that he was witnessing a change in me. Changes that I can only get a tiny glimpse of in the mirror every day, in a smaller bra or in slightly looser pants. He sees something more.

And I guess I feel the need to document his words because they feel more tangible or true when they're written out.

I am feeling myself relax a bit.

Maybe because I'm starting to let go of some things. Maybe because trusting God is coming a little bit more naturally and with less of a fight than it used to. Maybe because I am finally letting myself feel my emotions rather than numbing them with addiction. Maybe because it feels comforting that even if no one else sees, Todd sees me and I am putting less and less value on others' opinions of my body or my life.

I'm sure it's a bit of all of those things that is enabling me to relax a bit. Either way, I'm breathing again. I made it through worry mode with minimal damage to myself and others and I'm still alive and fighting. That in itself feels like a giant, huge victory.

His words remain with me. "Yes. I've got you. I AM."

Managing heartache through control

One thing I took home from The Journey was seeing how I manage my heartache through control. That realization made me physically nauseous because it shows up in so many areas of my life. In all of the places I am seeking to control, what I am actually doing is pushing down feelings that I simply don't want to feel - my heartache or pain.

Control sounds like a good thing, but I'm not so sure it is. Control is often associated with independence, power, and toughness. Yet I see where I was created for dependence on God. I was created to need. I need to depend on others and more importantly God, for love, provision, and peace. Powering-up damages others I am in relationship with. And there is a definite difference between having strength and being tough. Strength is manifested through God at work in me. Toughness is manufactured of my own energy and is cold, unfeeling and abrasive.

I guess control is never really a good thing. It distances me from others because controlling tells others that I don't need anything you have to offer me. It distances me from God because I tell him that I can handle things on my own. It's bad for my body and mind because I can't rest. I can make myself sick and then I take out how I am feeling inside on other people.

Control only pushes. Control is gross.

Today I am feeling the devastation of disappointment. I am feeling the the boiling over anger of frustration. And because of it, I am trying to regain control in my out-of-control world. I am powering-up. I am telling God and others that I'm tough. I can take this, I can handle it, just leave me alone. It's a very lonely place to be. And control creates plenty of room for loneliness.

In short, we're not sure if Todd is going to be able to quit the part-time job after all come June. We might have to wait a little bit longer. And while it's not definite, I am finding myself spinning again, creating chaos and pushing others I love away (mostly my husband), in the midst of my disappointments.

That's what managing my heartache is looking like.

The only thing left to do is sit in my disappointments and be present in them. And cry out to God for what I need in the midst of how I am feeling.

I refuse to numb out. I refuse to turn back to ways that provide a false sense of comfort and in turn hurt my heart and my body. I refuse to let my joy be robbed of me today. I know that in my heartache, I can remain full of joy. And it doesn't fix our situation and it doesn't make me feel better, but it's where I am supposed to be. Alive, feeling, and present.

The New Schedule

It feels weird to be here again. Working more I mean.

Last week was the first week of my new schedule as I've taken on more hours at my job. I still have Fridays off, but I work Monday through Thursday in the office now. It felt weird to not leave at 3:00 on Monday. And it felt even weirder to wake up on Wednesday and realize that I better get ready and head out the door.

My body is adjusting to this again. I was used to having some significant rest during the week and I don't have that anymore. And I forgot how long it's been since I worked this much. It's been well over a year.

I suppose I feel mostly ambivalent about this change. I love my job and my boss. I am so blessed and thankful for being here. I love that working more means that Todd can quit his part-time job and we can have our normal life back again.

But.

I already miss the rest and time I had to get things done and accomplished at home. I miss the ability to see friends mid-week. I miss the occasional nap I took during the day if I wanted to have one. Working part-time was quite ideal. Yet it also came with a great cost, and it's one that we felt like we couldn't afford anymore.

Todd is quitting the pizza place after the first weekend in June. We are ready. We are ready to have our weeknights together again so that we can eat dinner as a family or take a walk - or just BE together. We are ready to have Friday or Saturday nights free so that we can go on a real live date together on a more frequent occasion. We are ready to have our weekends free and open so that we can do things together and take Tommy on fun outings. We are ready to get plugged in to a small group in our church because we will finally have the time to allow for it. Nine months into this whole thing, we are so ready to be done. Even if it does mean me working more. And while I'm ready and excited about all of this change and what it means for our life together, I am also feeling a bit bummed out that it means more time away from Tommy.

I never cease to be amazed at how many conflicting emotions can exist inside of me at the same time.

My boss checked in with me the other day, asking me how I was doing with the new schedule and working more. And I told her that I had some mixed emotions about it. I told her that I missed Tommy but I was glad that I can take on more hours too. I told her how on Wednesday I got a little choked up because it was time for Sesame Street and I kind of missed being home with Tommy to watch it with him. The words she spoke to me then were a wonderful gift.

"If you ever need a morning home with him to do that, you do it! Just come in late - it's all good! I think if we can take care of ourselves and extend ourselves a little bit of grace, we can be more productive at work. When our soul is fed and at rest, that is definitely going to carry over into how we work. So seriously, if you need a morning with Tommy and want to come in later, I'm totally fine with that. Or even if you want to head out early sometime or take a day off. Just let me know."

Does anyone else in the world have a boss like this? Yeah, I've never had one until now. She is so easy-going and understanding of my situation as a mother to a young child. This is just one of the reasons I love working for this woman.

So, I may be ambivalent. I may be working more hours. But I have been gifted with a lot of flexibility and a boss who I can go to and ask for what I need when I'm feeling overwhelmed or just missing my little guy.

As I think about last February and being scared out of my mind when the Lord led me to quit my full-time job and asked me to trust Him there, I thought He was insane. I thought I was insane. "I've got you," He said. And He did. And He led me here to a job that has provided exactly what I needed. And not just for our pocketbook....but more importantly, my heart.