On Growing Up

I turn 34 next week.  To my own surprise, I have been able to relax comfortably into my 30's as they are not as scary as my 24 year-old self thought they might be.  Something about THIRTY-FOUR sounds grown up though. 

Like, legit grown-ups are 34 right?

Just the other day I was talking to Tommy about how we need to start teaching him how to tie his own shoes.  He was overwhelmed at the thought of it because naturally it's easier to have someone else do this for you and he was certain that he wouldn't be able to figure it out.  I explained that he will spend his whole life growing up and having to learn to do new things - learning how to tie your shoes is just one of those new things.  And me and dad will be there to help him until he figures it out for himself.  I told him that growing up means learning and changing and doing things that are new and sometimes uncomfortable or even scary.

And in this conversation I was having with my five year old son, I was saying them to myself.  No one needed that reminder more than me.

My recent flare up with Rheumatoid Arthritis has triggered some other things in regards to my health and physical body.  The last couple of weeks have been full of doctor's visits and bloodwork and X-rays and new medications and vitamins and plans to get healthier with the help of all of the doctors I have been so purposefully avoiding.

For years now, I've been in denial.  I have been resistant to change.  And I have been scared of what it would mean or look like to go down any of these paths.  It has been in my head that seeing a doctor about any health-related issue was equivalent to failure because I couldn't get better or fix something on my own and I should have been able to somehow.  And as I have embarked on this new journey, I have realized that choosing to see a doctor doesn't mean failure or defeat.  It means that I am choosing life, health, and hope.  I am learning that doctors and overall medical scary-ness is simply part of my story and choosing to seek a doctor, to trust a doctor and purposefully submit to one is both a victory and an act of repentance for me.  It seems as though God has written even this piece into my story.  To redeem yet another place for me as He is always so faithful to do.

And maybe growing up looks like asking the people for help that can really help you.

I'm not sure I was truly ready for any of this until now.  The seeing a doctor thing and figuring out what I really need to do to take care of my body.  But at the age of 34, I think I'm finally in a place where my desire to take care of myself has caught up with my desire to act on it.  Even if it's scaring the crap out of me and it's a major drag.  Because it does and it is.

But maybe that's what growing up is all about.  If you know me or my story at all, you would know that I have a history of learning things the hard way.  Sometimes I need to make mistakes, and then make some more exactly like them before I can learn what it is that I'm needing to.  I mean, we can hear things and we are taught things and are guided in certain directions.  But until we make those decisions for ourselves and act on them, we haven't really grown up at all.

Last week as I was wrestling through decisions and sitting with the weight of lab results and doctor's advice, I went to God with all that I was thinking and feeling and fearing.  And it was as if He told me this very thing.  It's time to grow up Jenn.  I've grown you here - I've been growing you here.  You're ready for this.  It's time.  And He reminded me that If I could give up sweets for 40 days during Lent and if I could train and complete a half-marathon (which, hi, I sort of never wrote about that) then I could certainly do more.  My body is ready.  And so is my heart.

I've officially decided it's time to grow up.  Though I'm not sure how much of a decision it really was.  I think growing up is one of those things that has been happening inside of me for quite some time.  And now that I am faced with big decisions and weighty news, my grown up self is acting on them in grown up ways.

All of this is a birthday gift to myself.  Maybe not exactly what I'm wanting, but it's exactly what I've been needing.

So, Tommy will be learning how to tie his shoes.  And I will be at doctor's visits and doing new things to care of my body as I pursue wellness.  It's time to do the things that we don't really want to do.

Because no one else can do it for me, 
Because I am growing up and I'm not the same.

Because I can.

And because He has been growing me, pruning me, preparing me for this very season.

Spring is coming.  And something new is ready to break through the surface and burst forth.

I almost forgot who I was

I'm a fighter.

I'm a dragon-slaying warrior princess.

I'm fearless and brave.

I'm a daughter of the King and an heir to the throne.  

I have hope in all things because Jesus is who He says He is.

And I almost forgot all of that.  I almost forgot that I have power and strength just by uttering His name - Jesus.  I almost forgot that I knew how to fight for my heart and my life.  That I was bold and courageous and was equipped with everything that I need to do what feels hard and scary.

I almost let fear take me out.  Almost.  

But then I remembered.  And this warrior princess dusted off her sword and picked herself back up and got back in the trenches to fight.  Because I can.  Because He gives me the strength to. 

And when I woke up this morning, I was oh so very sleepy and so very tired and wanted to stay in bed - but fear was gone.  There was peace where there had been panic.  There was calm where there was anxiety and I felt like me again.  The real me that fear had paralyzed and had in its grip for far too long these last few months - she was looking back at me in the mirror this morning.

Perfect love casts out all fear.....

My Party Dress

It felt fitting to have a dress for this wedding, this friendship, this celebration - it felt like it was time. And when I actually found a dress to wear, I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was time.

I brought my back-up outfit just in case something happened and I didn't think I could go through with it. My dressy, but non-dress-outfit was waiting in the closet in case I felt like I needed to put it on instead. I didn't want to be stuck without a wedding appropriate outfit in case something awful happened and shut me down. I felt like I needed to be prepared, and I was.

There is something about wearing a dress that is just different from any other kind of outfit. It's even different than a skirt. It's a more feminine declaration of who a woman is. It's been a declaration that I've been wary of making because of how I have felt about myself in the past.

Over the years, there is been much damage done to my femininity - and a lot of that has been self-inflicted. I've looked at where I joined evil in being out to destroy my beauty. And refusing to wear a dress has been one of the places I have done that. It's where I have remained hidden. It's where I have agreed with evil that I wasn't worth that level of femininity or beauty. It's where I let my insecurities define me and no one could talk me into even trying one on, much less wearing one.

Evil whispered to me much of the weekend. "You are going to look ridiculous in that dress. You don't even belong here. Wear the other outfit. You know that dress will look horrible on you - it was a fluke that you liked in in the dressing room. People will think you look awful. Someone will make fun of you behind your back. Don't wear that dress." Yes, evil's whispers were persistent.

Yet I recognized the voice. It wasn't mine. And it wasn't the voice of my Father. So I decided to ignore it. I decided to disagree with what it had to say. It feels so very empowering to remember that I have a choice and that I get to decide how I am going to live my life.

The back-up outfit remained in the closet the entire weekend.

I wore that dress. And I rocked it out! Isn't it fun?! It felt very "me." And it was perfect for the occasion. I am only now wondering where I can wear this to so I can wear it again!
Todd arrived at the church after me as I got ready with the bride and the bridesmaids that evening. As I walked down the hallway to meet him, I began to cry. His face for me was everything that I had hoped it would be. He looked at me with his adoring eyes and held me tightly in his arms and told me of my beauty and his love for me. He has missed seeing me in a dress and I loved that I was able to let myself be enjoyed by him that night.

Later in the evening, I invited my husband out on to the dance floor with me. He got out there and spun me around - I even taught him how to do a fun line dance. And later we shared a slow dance together. My dress got plenty of twirling action. I love that Shelley's reception pictures will include those of us dancing. That makes me smile.

I'm not sure what Todd's expression is about in this picture, haha, but we had such a fun time together.
God makes all things new - in His time. And it was finally time for me to put on a party dress, and dance the night away.

THIS SONG feels fitting for where I am right now..He makes beautiful things.

Thank you sweet Jesus for pictures of redemption that remind me of your goodness, unfailing love and relentless pursuit of my heart. I love You.

A Dancer

Before I left for Michigan, I wrote THIS POST about dancing.

And I guess there is much I could share about my week there, but for now, all I have to share are a few blurry pictures of me.

And they are blurry because I am dancing.
And dancing.
And dancing.
And dancing.
One of the best nights ever. Because it was the first night I have ever really danced in my entire life.

I had much to celebrate that night. And I was free to dance. And so I did.