The anger

It came last night.  Finally. 

After the boxes of our half-way packed house were stacked in the garage and tears were cried about how dreadful winter is and after I'd given five hundred stale answers to people asking about our "timeline" for the move and Todd's job and how much I'm enjoying (or not enjoying?) my new role as a stay-at-home mom. 

The anger.  Raging, ugly, writhing anger.  It came.

It's not fair.  It doesn't feel good.  To finally have my husband in a job where he feels happy and proud of himself and has a real career.  He is so full of life and vigor and excitement about the possibilities that are ahead of us there.  I even have the choice to stay at home more with my boys.  But.  BUT. 

For me though, I have to give up so much to have these other things.  I have to leave my beautiful home and my entire family.  I have to say goodbye to the most wonderful, real, fun group of friends - a community of couples and families that Todd and I had always hoped to have.  Our amazing church.  Texas wildflowers, the beach only a drive away.  Good barbecue and Mexican food, a culture that I know and understand - one that has shaped me. 

Deep down, I know it will be worth it.  That after a period of grieving is over, that we will settle into life there and at some point (hopefully) North Dakota and all of it's winter, will feel like home.  I know it's where God is leading us to - I have absolutely no doubt.  And maybe that's why I feel angry.  His plan feels clear, it's just that I'm not entirely on board and why can't His plan ever, ever look like mine? 

This would have felt easier a few years ago.  If North Dakota would have happened before Tommy or before we found our church or before a thousand other things.  The cost wouldn't have been as great then as it is now.

Saturday night when my realtor called with the "good news" on our house I burst into tears.  It was so fast and it felt clear that God was ready to really move us.  When my friend Nate asked me how I felt, I initially said that I didn't know how I felt.  And then suddenly, I burst into tears and blurted out what was raw and real for me.  "I don't want to go!"

And that's true.  I don't.  And what is also true is that I do.  I'm ready for new, for adventure, and for starting from scratch in life.  But as ready as I feel, I feel just as not ready too.

I'm feeling stretched and unearthed.  I feel as if I'm being literally being dug up and uprooted and I'm not so sure how I feel about where I'm being transplanted.  Did He heal me and grow me and prepare me and make me for this?  North Dakota has been on His mind all along?  Am I really ready for this?  Will I be okay?  Those are the places I'm doubting Him - maybe I need more "work" before I can take this on.

I'm just going to say what I'm not supposed to say:

I am the most angry because it feels like Todd gets the better end of this deal.  He gets the place he has always wanted to live, the new job, and us there with him.  And I get to leave almost everything that I love the most. 

I told him this last night - we talk about honest things and where my heart is at.  He gets it and he understands and he is able to hold my anger and grief without buckling under the weight of it.  But, he holds his own pockets of fear too, wondering if I'll resent him for all of this change later on down the road.  He is aware of how great my love must be for him to do this and walk away from our life here. 

And maybe I just wrote out what you're not supposed to say.  The ugly things that are really inside of my heart that I might typically hide.  But it's true.  I feel jipped. 

I know I won't always feel that way.  But today I do.  Today I feel jipped.  Today I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick on all of this.  Today, I am angry.

Under Contract...already

Apparently, God really wants us in North Dakota. 

The house was officially listed last Thursday.  We had an offer on Saturday afternoon and they accepted our counter that evening.  It was the very first couple that looked at our home on Friday afternoon.  We are officially under contract and as long as everything goes smoothly, we are scheduled to close on May 17th.

I'm not really sure how I feel about the timing on all of this.  It feels crazy fast.  Though I'm excited about having a timeline on when I'll finally be reunited with my husband and we can be a family again, I'm just as sad about leaving.

Actually, I'm more than sad.

I may have been sobbing my eyes out last night in the grocery store parking lot.  It was one third exhaustion, one third hormones, and one third I'm-so-not ready-to-say-goodbye-yet-feelings.  And is it weird that I feel angry?  Because I do.  I feel angry that I have to move away from so much that I love to a place I've never been and where I know no one.  I'm angry that I have to start over and I'm angry that I have to leave a group of wonderful, wonderful friends and family.

I'm glad the house is under contract and that it didn't take long to sell.  I'm glad I have a timeline for saying goodbye.  I'm glad I have about two months here before I leave.  But really, I'm not feeling very glad at all.

 

The tears came with the boxes

The tears have finally come.

I put all thoughts of moving away on the back burner toward the end of my pregnancy.  I felt like I had too much surrounding me that needed my heart and there was simply no space left to give to the thoughts of leaving home.  With Todd's absence, caring for the heart of my three year old, taking care of my body, and trying to get the rest I was told I needed, I felt completely occupied in the feeling department.

But today as I have been going through our closet and seeing things starting to go into boxes, I lost it.  Tears found me and suddenly I feel overwhelmed at all that I am losing and leaving. 

In this particular moment, it feels hard to remember that we wanted this.  That we prayed for this kind of change and hoped that God would lead us into an adventure like this someday.  I think I've always known deep down in my heart that we would end up in North Dakota.  Because even though it's never been my dream, it's been my husband's dream and I so wanted all of this for him.  The new job and occupation that he could be proud of that could provide for our family.  And in a place far from here where he feels most at home - where snow and mild summers and geese hunting abound.  I think I've always known that God would stretch us like this - and maybe more specifically, stretch me.

 

Especially in the last few months, I've been in this place of complete and utter dependence on God for just about everything.  And moving away and being without my community and my church and my family - talk about a whole new place of needing and depending on God.

 

While Jake has taken his naps today I've mostly worked on cleaning out our closet.  Purging and organizing and decluttering so that it looks open and spacious and appealing to a potential buyer.  I'd like to think that all of my HGTV watching has paid off and I'm hoping the realtor we meet with tomorrow will be impressed with my staging skills.  This project is just about done and our closet can definitely breathe again.

But there is much, much more to do still.  Obviously.

 

My heart feels a bit like this.  Cluttered, full and chaotic.  Memories made and memories that won't be made, faces of people I will miss and that I don't want to say goodbye to, and the unending lists of things to do come to my heart and mind as I've been working. 

 

I feel lost somewhere between busyness and grief.  And I have a feeling it might look like that for awhile.