Our Shoe Store

What one and a half year old boy has nine pairs of shoes? Yes, I did say NINE pairs of shoes.

Well, my one and a half year old boy does. *sigh*
I wonder where he gets it from....

In all fairness, Todd's mom has bought five out of those nine pairs of shoes for Tommy, so I can't be held entirely responsible.

Me? I have no alibi.

The Zoo was a zoo

I've never been a big zoo fan. I remember going a few times when I was little and all I could remember of it was how stinky it was and feeling sad that I couldn't ride the elephants. So, having my own children, I decided I was probably going to have to get over my distaste for the zoo, especially since Tommy has a pretty big interest in animals. Or so I thought...

Last Friday, Todd had the day off of of work. So we decided to take our first family trip to the zoo. We had still yet to take Tommy to experience such a thing and it seemed like the perfect time to go. Friday was a beautiful day - cool in the morning and comfortably warm in the afternoon.

"What are we doing?!"
At first, he was very excited to see some of the animals - though most of them seemed to be sleeping or not wanting to make a public appearance.
Tommy had other ideas of fun for that day though. He just wanted to run free. And play in dirt.
He was pretty unimpressed with the fishies.
But water...everywhere there was water he was trying to climb or crawl over something to get to it. Poor baby was ready to go swimming. Todd played with him in a little waterfall that we found.
He tried to climb over walls and wanted to get through fences and bars - especially if water was behind them. He's too cute....
My boys look so serious.
They were looking at turtles. And I suppose they looked pretty serious too.
We snapped a quick cheek-to-cheek photo. It was kind of like a date. Just smellier.
Since I was doing all of the picture taking, I wanted to get at least one with Tommy, but he wouldn't have any of it. He wanted to run free!
Towards the end of our trip, we found a little area for smaller children. They had a little water feature and he was so excited about it that we just let him get as wet as he could. We know for next time to bring a change of clothes or have him wear something he can get wet in since he spent his entire visit trying to get to water.

I'm sure we'll try the zoo again at some point. He didn't seem too terribly interested in the animals and I found that surprising. Since we were outside most of the time I think he just wanted to play - especially with the water. I have a feeling I have a waterpark kid and not a zoo kid. And if there's one place I dislike more than the zoo, it would most definitely be a waterpark.

All in all, we had a fun time together. It was fun to go out as a little family and enjoy a gorgeous spring day. I love that Tommy enjoys the outdoors so much - it encourages me to get out more and be more active. I have a water-loving little boy to keep up with!

THIRTY - The Best Birthday EVER

Saturday felt like the longest day of my life. The day dragged on and the hours seemed to tick by slowly. I almost felt like a kid on Christmas Eve again - the day was long and it felt like the fun was never going to start! I spent the day doing laundry and counting down the hours until it was finally time to get ready and go to my big 30th birthday bash.

The party was held at the home of some good friends of ours. There were pictures of me as a little girl and grown up for everyone to see displayed on several tables. Even the embarrassing ones like me singing into a hairbrush when I was 14.
The cake lady of cake ladies made my birthday cake!
And my amazingly talented friend Mal made my favorite cupcakes in yellow and sunflowers - very me!

Oh! And I had my own napkins! I was most excited about this.
Two of my bestest friends in the entire world - Sarah and Bethany. They helped put this whole shin-dig together.
And I had to post this picture because it's fun and she is gorgeous. I saw that she had hijacked my camera and I posed in the background.
My cousin-friends Aimee and Anna. They also helped out with some of the details of the party and made the night very special for me. These two young ladies are so incredibly dear to my heart.
My Gramma and me!
My not-so-baby sister celebrating that I turn 30 way before she ever will.
My friend Sarah - her words that night blessed my heart immensely.
Me with my parents.
After eating, we started the night's events with praise and worship. My cousins Jonathan and Aimee led everyone in a few songs. I love that we sang.
After a time of singing, there was a time for words. Everyone at the party had a flower to give to me, to put in one large vase. Everyone came up to me and gave me a word that either reminds them of me, or how they have experienced me. It felt overwhelming to be given words by so many people that night.
It was one of those moments I wish I could rewind and do again. As it was happening I wanted to be able to receive all of the words given to me - gift, beautiful, fun, forthright, encouraging, sunshine. Word after word from person after person who has some unique role and relationship in my life. I was overwhelmed.
Todd was the last to give me a word. And he presented with me with the entire bouquet of flowers once everyone else had spoken. His word for me was MORE. I had called him to more in our life and marriage together and he wanted to share more with me. It was beautiful, the time was beautiful and again I was overwhelmed.
Each person there also lit a candle for me - there were 30. My Gramma lit a candle in my mom's honor and my dearest friends and family lit a candle after giving me a word.
All of the words given to me that night were written on a beautiful mirror that had been given to me. And looking at my reflection in this mirror I am covered with words like Bright, Energetic, Authentic, Worth It, and Passionate - just to name a few. Anyone who knows me well knows of my struggle in front of the mirror - that's where I want to believe lies about myself and who I am. This is a truth mirror. And there is no denying what is true about me when looking into it. I think I am still processing the enormity of this gift and what it meant to my heart to be given such a gift. I am humbled at the thoughtfulness that went into it. I am known and loved well by the people closest to me....
And as if that wasn't enough, I was given a beautiful book that contained even more words.Messages and greetings and memories written from dozens of people - even those who don't live here who wrote to me. I will cherish this forever.
We watched a slide show that my friend Sarah had put together - which seemed fitting for her to have done. She is the friend that has known me the longest - the video made me cry. I felt blessed and humbled at remembering the goodness and grace of God throughout the years my life. And in the faces that I shared so many beautiful memories with over the years.

I went home from the party that night and cried. As I sorted through cards and gifts and let out a big sigh after it was all said and done, I didn't know what else to do. The night was overwhelmed with beauty, thoughtfulness, care and love - for me! And it left me feeling overwhelmed with those things. My party was very me. Thought it felt weird to not have a thing to do with planning my own party (since I am somewhat of a party-planning extraordinaire), the night couldn't have been more wonderful. The only thing that felt missing to me were a few faces of dear friends that couldn't be there that night. I felt their importance and their absence. Even so, the night was lovely and it felt big to know that it had been for me - there was no denying that I was very, very loved.

My darling husband gave me the gift of gifts. A honeymoon. We are planning a trip to the Ozark Mountains in October - a few nights in a beautiful lodge. I caught myself asking him if we could extend the trip if we found a place to set up and camp for a night or two. I almost couldn't believe I suggested it, but I did. I am so looking forward to taking a trip just the two of us - FINALLY!!!! It felt too good to be true when I opened it up and found out what it was that he had gotten for me. I'm not even sure how he worked it out, but he did! Is it October yet?!

Attempting a family photo...Tommy is honking Todd's nose!
As I sit here today and reflect back on the best birthday I think I've ever had - I am still feeling overwhelmed and blessed. So much went into the night to make it special and unique for me and who I am. And it was evident right down to the yellow napkins and the sunflowers and the music and the faces of those who came to celebrate.

I'm not just THIRTY. I am loved, celebrated, and enjoyed!

I did learn a thing or two in my 20's....

As I've been reflecting back on my 20's, I've started to wonder if those are the years of life that are designated in adulthood for learning as we attempt to figure out who we really are. I began making this mental list of what some of those years have looked like for me. As I did that, I realized that I was making these "I learned" sentences in my head.

I learned that if you use a credit card, it's not free money and you have to pay it back. With interest.

I learned that you have to bust your butt, with little thanks sometimes, to make enough money to buy an entire car for yourself. Thank you Sonic for teaching me what hard work felt like...

I learned that with a car comes sweet, sweet freedom. And responsibility too of course.

I learned that you work hard and do your best at your job, regardless of whether or not your employer notices or says anything. Because it's what is right and you can take pride in your job well done knowing that you gave your best.

I learned that living on your own is hard. And expensive. And that I wasn't quite ready for it when I thought it was.

I learned that hangovers felt different and more horrible at 27 than they did at 21.

I learned that I have to be careful when I drink, because I can be excessive and even abusive with alcohol sometimes.

I learned that I could be taken advantage of in my longing to be wanted and loved by a man.

I learned that in my deep longing to be wanted and loved by a man, I was willing to settle for less. I also learned how to shut off emotion and deaden my heart so I could have what I thought I wanted.

I learned that real love from a real man, is rare. Very, very rare. And it's absolutely wonderful when you finally find it and experience it.

I learned what it was like to hope for a child with the odds stacked against me that I wasn't going to be able to conceive.

I learned what it was like to carry a child in my womb, to give birth, and to hold a precious life in my hands that I helped make.

I learned that no season of life lasts forever. Things are always changing.

I learned that I'm really smart, and that even though I never got a college degree, I can hold my own in the workplace.

I learned why I believed what I believe about God. And I learned that my faith is real and true even though I struggle there sometimes.

I learned that while I love to sing, I think I love to write even more.

I learned what it meant to be a really good friend, from making really good friends.

I learned how to speak truth in love. Even when it is terrifying and hard.

I learned that the church is broken and it's not always safe. And if it's going to change, I need to keep going because I am part of the church.

I learned how hard and how wonderful it is to be a mom.

I learned how hard and how wonderful it is to be a wife too.

I learned that I can't do everything on my own and it's okay to ask for help.

I learned what it was like to walk by faith and trust God with really big, scary and tangible things. And I learned how awesome it felt to experience Him showing up for me in big ways.

I learned that I don't have to have it all together and that it's okay to be week and needy.

I learned that I am a fighter! And that evil should be very, very afraid of me.

I learned that God loves me more than I can even imagine.

I could probably go on. Maybe those are some of the highlights of the things I've learned and will be carrying away with me from my 20's into my 30's.

For a long time I was afraid to turn 30. It used to sound "old," and it doesn't so much anymore. It sounds mature and grown-up. And I have found myself actually looking forward to it. Aside from finding a gray hair or two on occasion that is. But here I am. My twenties are officially over after today.

So if you'll excuse me, I have a big party to get ready for tomorrow. I'm turning 30 - not sure if you knew.....

Twirling

I can already tell that my thoughts are going to be all over the place in my post today. I'm spinning again, but in a lovely and tender way. Kind of like I did as a little girl when I would wear a ruffly dress that would twirl perfectly when I would spin around and around.

Yesterday and today have been the kind of days where you can open every window in your house and it's the perfect temperature to keep you both cool and warm at the same time. And your whole house fills with that wonderful fresh, outside smell and there feels like an invitation to play or just enjoy something that is waiting right outside your door.

I also baked banana bread yesterday. I love the smell of things baking in the oven and it seemed like that with the fresh spring air filling my house, a moment that could go unnoticed turned into one of those moments in life that I wanted to freeze forever, because I could feel the beauty all around me and in me. I felt very aware of beauty - my own and what surrounded me.

Today I am feeling the weight of things glorious. Good and wonderful things where I have been seen and known, heard and understood, longings filled, and excitement waiting just on the horizon. I tend to fear feeling so many good things all at once because the part of me that has been deeply hurt before wants to remind myself that something "bad" is waiting just around the corner, so I shouldn't get too comfortable in my enjoyment. Yet, I find myself wanting to fight my usual tendency in these circumstances and just allow myself to feel free to enjoy the things surrounding me that are lovely.

Twice yesterday I was reminded by two women that my mother's beauty was glorious. And that her beauty of who she was and how she impacted others and interacted with others and how people experienced her has lived on through me. I have not gone untouched by my mother's beauty even though our relationship wasn't all that I longed for it to be. A dear, precious friend who knew my mother, wrote those words to me and I read them over and over and over again soaking in that truth. It has led me to weep tears of thankfulness and joy and hope. And it's made me feel like dancing or singing, or twirling in a pretty ruffly dress.

My heart feels like it could bust open today. I'm still reeling from big things that happened in Grace Group last night - hard things, but good things. Spring is feeling gorgeous. My 30th birthday is Saturday and I'm going to a party that's being thrown for me. I found out that I get to go on a trip in May that was unexpected and surprising and it's felt amazing how quickly it has all worked out for me to go.

And the sun is shining today. And I love the feel of it on me and how it makes me glow.

Am I Stupid?

Tears began to well up as my frustration mounted. I felt stupid. I couldn't answer her questions. She was spouting off form numbers I've never heard of before.

The IRS has a way of making you feel small and dumb.

I love my job, I really do. I enjoy the challenges of doing things that I've never done before and being with a company as it's growing. I've never worked at a job from the ground up. I'm getting great experience and learning so many new things. And this is in addition to having a flexible schedule, hours of my choosing, and a boss that cares about me and occasionally spoils me with Starbucks, lunch or gift cards to somewhere, just because.

But every once in a while, one of my challenges is more than challenging. And I'm left to my own devices to figure things out on my own. Which can sometimes result in frustration and tears. This time however, I simply can't figure things out on my own. And we will have to pay our CPA to solve this particular tax puzzle for us, because this is just beyond my capability and knowledge. Not to mention, beyond my pay grade.

I know that I'm not stupid. I'm brilliant actually. I'm self-taught and do this job without need for instructions or managing. My boss leaves me alone all day and I just do my work. So I know that I'm smart and intelligent and capable and responsible and sharp.

And I guess I just needed to remind myself of that today.

Feeling stupid and believing that I am, leads me down the path of self-contempt. And I'm tired of taking the familiar walk of self-hate because circumstances can convince me to believe a lie. It's there that I am violent and do damage and I'm sick of this cycle and how often it repeats itself in my life. It shows up everywhere.

Today I am refusing to believe that I am stupid. I refuse to believe things that aren't true about myself. I refuse to sit in self-hatred. I choose to believe the truth about who I am, regardless of what opposition, or evil or even the IRS says about me.

Stuff

- I am officially in the last week ever of my 20's. And in the last week of my 20's I'll be doing laundry, ironing, putting together wooden puzzles with my little boy, cooking dinner, doing dishes and perhaps taking a nap at some point. I know how to live it up I tell you what.

- Over the weekend I went shopping for my birthday party outfit - I decided I needed to have one. And when I say outfit, I really just mean a new top. Sadly, I cannot seem to find green flats anywhere to go with the cute floral top I got. I'm not sure if they're super uncool or green is just a two-year ago color (as this year is apparently pink and coral if you wanted to know). But don't they know that green compliments pink and coral? Hello?! Anyway, it's been a disappointing search thus far for the shoes that apparently don't exist. I have found however, a darling pair of gray flats that I couldn't live without. But still. Green flats....anyone know where I could find a pair before Saturday?

- Yesterday after lunch we were driving home with the windows down. Tommy was in the backseat laughing and giggling so hard because he loved how the wind felt on his face. Todd and I were laughing right along with him. Those are the moments in life I wish I could pause and enjoy them a little longer. I love how his innocence invites us to play and remember the joys of simpler things.

- I went to the salon and got my hair cut on Friday. It's been too long. And it was divinity. Oh, and how does it look you ask?
Simple, shorter, but not too short - has some fun layers and body to it. It's a good 30 year old hair cut I think.

- Todd finished our taxes this weekend. It's always a relief when those are done and sent off. We are only getting a couple hundred dollars back, but I suppose it's better than owing, and for that I am thankful!

- The weather has been gorgeous. Cool, mild, sunny, and springlike. It's perfect for taking walks and going outside. Tommy is loving it and wants to be outside playing any second he can! I decided his enthusiasm to play and be outdoors is a good thing for me.

- And oh, I'm turning 30 on Saturday. Have I mentioned that yet?