Goodbye Tiffany

Some friendships come naturally. They're just easy. Something inside of two people just click and your heart just knows you've found something special.

It's been that way from the beginning with Tiffany. I met her shortly after I met Todd, and she and I instantly clicked. And I knew when I married into her family, that being sisters-in-law was only going to make us closer.

We could be ourselves.
Our sassy,

sometimes weird,
and always very silly, selves.
Friday night we went out on the town one last time before her departure for Dallas on Sunday. We did some of our most of our favorite things. Like taking random pictures in Hobby Lobby and sharing margaritas at Chilis. The night was awesome and couldn't have been more fun.

And then Sunday came and we had to say goodbye.

We hugged and cried. And then hugged and cried again.

And maybe Dallas is only fourish hours away. But it is too far to call her up on a random Wednesday night to see if she's in the mood for some Chickfila and a chick-flick. It's too far away for me to see her almost every Sunday for lunch. It's too far away for a trip to Target where we just walk around and find absolutely nothing but have the best conversation. It's too far away to share a margarita on a Saturday night and gab and gossip and laugh.

It's just too far.
She's one of the best friends I've ever had. And though she's "family," and though she'll be back in town to visit now and then, she's not here anymore. And I miss her like crazy already.

Quiet Mother's Day

Mother's Day came and went quietly this year. Since it happened to fall on the day after I got back from Michigan, I knew I was going to want to spend the majority of the day resting and just being with my boys. I ended up sleeping until noon. I felt like I was a teenager again or something - I didn't even know my 30 year old body could do that anymore.

Family was scattered about on Sunday. My step-mom was sick, my Grandparent's stayed in their town an hour away where my Aunt and Uncle went for lunch. We decided to post-pone mom day celebrations with Todd's mom until another weekend. I guess the day didn't come with as much pressures or disappointments as it usually does. And I feel somewhat guilty for saying that it felt kind of nice to not have to feel "on" or present for the various mothers in my life while feeling the ever present absence of my own.

Mother's Day is hard. I suppose it might always be.

During a free afternoon in Michigan, I went into a small town called Grand Haven with some girlfriends. After a very long walk, we did some shopping. I found a children's book called "My Mom Loves Me." As I flipped through the pages, I stood there and wept.

My mom plays with me. My mom swings with me. My mom swims with me. My mom carries me. My mom hangs out with me. My mom takes me places. My mom bathes me. My mom kisses me. My mom comforts me.

It was precious.

My tears came from a huge place of ambivalence. I couldn't draw many memories of where my own mother's love looked like that. Our relationship was distant and stale and almost non-existent. I don't remember many times where she had done any of those things with me as I grew up. My tears also came from a place where as I looked through each page, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I did each and every one of those things with Tommy.

I bought the book. Full price and everything. And while I bought it for Tommy, I kind of bought it for myself too. It felt fitting to have for Mother's Day.

Mother's Day felt like a regular ordinary Sunday. It felt kind of nice for it to just kind of come and go with ease. When it came time for Tommy to go to bed for the night, he uncharacteristically pitched a fit and sat in his crib screaming. This isn't usual behavior - he's always been a good sleeper and goes to bed easily. So I got him back up and sat him on my lap. He cuddled against me as I rocked him.

And then he whispered quietly...."I lubbs you."

And I whispered back, "I love you too buddy."

I couldn't help but realizing in that very moment that I knew he felt loved by me in that moment. And it's evident that he can understand what love feels like. They aren't just words anymore; I think he understands what being loved and loving someone feels like.

I thought my heart was going to burst. Mother's Day may have been quiet and "ordinary," but that small moment I shared with Tommy made the entire day unforgettable and extraordinary.

The Journey 2011

It's hard to capture the right words for the week I experienced up in Michigan at The Journey. Much of what happened in my heart there feels sacred and I just want to keep it for me and those closest to me.

However, I wanted to share a few highlights here. As I look at each photo that I've selected to share here, my heart is feeling an outpouring of emotion as there could be many paragraphs written about each one.

There were unexpected familiar faces - a special couple who is dear to my heart. A friendship has been renewed to me and I am in awe of God's way of weaving people in and out, and back in to our lives.
An unexpected brother-sister relationship formed between myself and a man in my group.
Valerie. What a joy to know and be known by this woman.
"Mufasa." Though his real name is Ted.
The "cool" girls. A forever friend made. She is one of the most amazing women I have ever encountered.
Roommates. And friends. I'm glad we live in the same city!
On Friday night I shared this snippet of a testimony of what the week had been like for me...."A few years ago I sat at a table across from a woman with tears streaming down her face, begging me to fight for my life. And this afternoon my group gave me words like 'warrior princess' and 'dragon slayer!'" This is that woman. And this time her tears for me were a different kind.
Words. An abundance of words that felt almost too glorious to receive.
The dancing. Oh there was dancing! I have told some that I danced for three hours on the carcass of the dragon that I slayed. (o:
And a new part of "The Journey" begins.
My heart is full, stirred, awakened, disrupted, grieved, overjoyed, broken, full of longing, and beaming and bursting open with HOPE.

A Dancer

Before I left for Michigan, I wrote THIS POST about dancing.

And I guess there is much I could share about my week there, but for now, all I have to share are a few blurry pictures of me.

And they are blurry because I am dancing.
And dancing.
And dancing.
And dancing.
One of the best nights ever. Because it was the first night I have ever really danced in my entire life.

I had much to celebrate that night. And I was free to dance. And so I did.

I'm leavin' on a jet plane....

But I do know when I'll be back again. Hopefully Saturday May 7th, when my flight is scheduled to arrive back home.

I'll be in Michigan for an entire week for The Journey, which is put on by Open Hearts Ministry. I attended this conference in 2007, and I'm going back to go through the second book - for myself and to receive additional training so that I can help lead and facilitate these groups at home.

The week is intense and very full, but I am looking forward to all of it!

My only anxieties are the usual flying-by-myself worries and leaving Tommy for an entire week. It will be the longest I've ever been away from him and my mama heart is aching a little bit at the thought of not seeing his precious little face every day - I'm worried he will think I've left him forever and he will be confused as to where I went. I've been told these worries are "normal" at least, but it's offered little consolation. I will miss him terribly regardless. *sigh*

I leave dark and early on Sunday morning and should be in Michigan by the afternoon. So me and my little blog will be MIA until the following week.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out how to fit my entire closet in to one very small looking suitcase.

Bullet points

- Lists are everywhere right now. I've been thriving off of lists the last few days. It's been a long while since I've been on a trip, especially by myself, for this period of time. There have been things-to-get lists, things-to-do lists, things-to-remember-for-Tommy lists, honey-do lists, grocery lists, packing lists, things-to-get-done-at-work lists....I guess I've been a little list happy. But it's been necessary for me to keep myself sane with all there is to do before I go.

- I had a terrible nightmare and it woke me up this morning shaking and sweating. I even started crying when Todd got up to use the bathroom and left me alone in bed. It was a horrible, horrible dream and I haven't woken up feeling that scared or fearful in a very long time.

- Because I woke up so early and never went back to sleep, I'm a little more clumsy than usual. So much so, that I spilled half of my coffee all over myself this morning at work. I am walking around covered in splattered stains today. Classy. Though I smell very mochaey.

- I finished cleaning and organizing our second bedroom and it's all ready for Tiffany to come and stay. It was quite an undertaking, but our guest bedroom actually looks like a guest could stay in it and feel comfortable. Aside from the ram's head that stares at you while you sleep.

- I successfully made banana bread and mini-banana bread muffins yesterday. I over-baked my first batch a couple of months ago and redeemed myself this go around. It's moist and delicious and very perfect.

- Tommy went swimming yesterday at a friend's apartment, and he smelled like sunscreen the rest of the day. I LOVE that smell.

- The world's best boss is leaving The Office tonight. I've cried at the last few new episodes and I'm sure tonight won't be any exception. Michael Scott will be greatly missed! I tried to have a marathon of the show all by myself and only got through the second disc of Season Two. The episode where he burns his foot on his Foreman grill is still one of my all time favorites.

- I've been thinking about boundaries quite a bit. It kind of feels exhausting to always keep putting them in place and I guess I wish they weren't necessary. But they kind of are when we make it a point to take care of ourselves and our hearts. I guess I just wish relationships in general were easier to navigate through.

- We found a place for Tommy to attend a home daycare as I will start working full-time again when I get back from Michigan. The lady is from England and she has a precious little girl and her daycare is in my neighborhood. I immediately felt comfortable and at ease and I think Tommy is going to be very happy there a couple of days a week!

- Tomorrow is going to feel like a crazy day. Visiting a friend from Alaska in the morning, work in the afternoon to finish everything up, laundry, trip to the grocery store, getting Tiffany settled in...and here I go with the lists again!

Houseguest

I am leaving town on Sunday for a whole week. And preparing for being gone that length of time seems to be requiring much planning.

I have to get things in order at work for both jobs - which is proving to be quite an undertaking. I have to make sure that there is food in the house and I need to plan meals for my husband and son so that they don't live on Chickfila or peanut butter sandwiches the entire time I'm gone. I have to pre-make my Mother's Day gifts that I had planned so that they're ready for the Sunday I am back in town, and I have yet to get started! And then there's the task of picking out a week's worth of clothes and packing them into a suitcase that hopefully won't cost an arm and a leg to check. And a friend of mine is in town visiting from Alaska....and the list goes on!

In addition to all of that, I am cleaning out and preparing our second bedroom as we'll have a houseguest staying with us for the next two weeks.

So who is staying with us?

Tommy's Aunt Tiffy. (He ADORES her. Can you tell?)
My favorite sister-in-law in the entire world is moving to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area on May 14th and she needed a place to stay after he lease was up so she could tie up loose ends here in San Antonio. Any moments that I've given to think about her leaving have resulted in tears.

Tiffany is one of my best friends. We have been close ever since we met and even before I was officially part of her family. I'm slightly disappointed that I won't be here for the first week of her stay, but I am a bit relieved that there will be a woman in the house while I'm away to make sure my favorite guys are well cared for in my absence.

We have a night out planned for the two of us before she heads off. I'm excited about it and I'm also sad because it means she is leaving.
In the meantime there are new sheets to buy, and a room to finish organizing before she moves in for the next two weeks. And trying to figure out how to explain to my little boy why Aunt Tiffy won't be coming over anymore. We are going to miss her....