Golden Girl

My love affair with clothes and jewelry began as a little girl.  As soon as I was tall enough to reach my mother’s jewelry box on her bathroom counter, I would put all of her rings on my tiny fingers and pretend I was some luxuriously rich woman dripping with gold and diamonds who called everyone “Dahling.”  I would parade around in her fancy high heels and use the foyer of our house as my personal runway, loving the clip-clop sound the heels made on the tile floor. 

As I got older, I developed my own sense of style.  There were certainly the necessary faux pas that came with being a middle-school girl, as I believed black lip liner was a good idea and knee high socks with every outfit was a trendy choice.  To my mother's dismay, my favorite pair of earrings in the 6th grade were these lime green parrots I found at a mall jewelry store that specialized in gaudy plastic accessories.  With my backpack purse, fluffed-up bangs and parrots dangling from my ears, I was quite something to behold in 1993.  

Can we all just go back and give our 12 year-old selves a hug?  Bless our hearts.   

Over time, my love for both colorful and classic looks evolved as did my collection of shoes and scarves and my own jewelry box full of accessories.  Admittedly, I am somewhat of a jewelry-addict, which is a trait I obviously inherited from my mother.  Though if I’m honest, my jewelry box is not only a box, but a large frame to house my 60+ pairs of earrings and all of the necklaces I own. Accessories are like the sprinkles on top of a perfectly frosted cupcake; they complete and pull together every outfit.  Living in south Texas, one has to be creative in dressing for fall as the cool weather comes and goes and our afternoons get quite warm.  I have found that layering, finding lightweight cardigans and scarves, and things like ankle pants with flats or sandals are both functional and stylish for the season here.

Fall is such a sweet time for family traditions. When a big cold front makes it to our neck of the woods, I pull together my coziest pieces.  Dark jeans, and a plaid blanket scarf to match a flowing sweater vest.  It's the perfect outfit when I take my boys down to the pumpkin patch and end the day around our fire pit eating s'mores and making hand puppets on the fence in our backyard.

Since it's one of the best times of the year to be outside, I often meet my girlfriends for coffee or a soup and sandwich lunch together.  On the pleasant fall days that get a little warmer, I might wear a dress with a cardigan, a draped scarf and boots. Mustard is one of my favorite fall colors and I love to pair this cardigan with navy or plum colored tops too.

I am always in the mood for new jewelry. As if by magic, there somehow seems to be room in my jewelry box for more, just as it was with my mother.  I live by the motto that one can never have too many shoes or accessories!  My friends over at AUrate, have some beautiful gold pieces that would be the perfect accents to my fall wardrobe.  AUrate has pieces that are both modern and timeless, classic and fresh, with a stunning simplicity in design.  Their unique style and handmade pieces, such as their gorgeous earrings, can dress up an outfit as well as accent casual looks just like mine.

Not only do they have the loveliest designs, but they are a wonderful company that cares about quality, care and giving back.  It is so inspiring to read about women who are changing the way business is run by emphasizing the things that matter the most.

There is still a little girl inside of me who loves all things golden and sparkly.  It's been a while since I've put a ring on every finger and the lime green parrot earrings were retired by the end of middle school.  My grown up self continues to love the sound of my fancy high heels on a tile floor.  And every time I pull together an outfit with the perfect accessories, I'm reminded of my mother and how I hoped to emulate her beauty.

With its golden trees and amber sunlight, autumn always takes me back to memories of my mother.  No matter the season, wearing a pair of dangling earrings or clutching my dainty gold chains, is like having a piece of her with me all the time. 

Kindness in September

According to calendars and Starbuck's pumpkin spice latte availability, fall has officially arrived.

September is depressing when you live here. Day after day of ninety-something degree heat, and then factoring in humidity that adds insult to injury, summer is long and fights to the death to stick around.  The only sign I really have that the seasons are changing is the way the sun shines through my living room window.  It happens every September and nothing is more glorious than this autumn light.

See?  Glory.

When you live in the south, autumn is a season that you have to make yourself, something that must be created.  The other day, I put out all of my pumpkins, fall foliage and warm colored decorations.  The pillows were changed, the shelf above our TV got its seasonal face-lift and my kitchen was spruced up for the season reminding us of the themes of harvest, gratitude and thanksgiving.  Even my six-year old noticed it the moment he walked in after being gone.

"Yay!  It's fall!  I love when you decorate for fall.  It's so pretty!"

My decorations signal the things he has come to count on this time of year:  Pumpkin pie.  Our annual pumpkin carving party.  Being tortured at the pumpkin patch so I can get cute pictures. Dressing up for Halloween.  Getting in the car and possibly not getting third degree burns from sitting on black leather seats.  But even he knows, autumn is something we create, something we do and make together, because it certainly does not feel like fall.

If we don't usher it in ourselves, it's almost as if the season won't come. We are in the throes of Christmas and holiday cheer before autumn truly arrives with it's quietness in December.

I was actually reluctant to decorate for fall this year, which is unlike me.  Usually, I take things out before the month begins and start it off with all of my pumpkins and ritualistic September watching of You've Got Mail.  But I've been in something of a funk for longer than I care to admit. And I knew if I waited to decorate until I felt like it or was in the mood or the weather finally shifted and cooled here, I wouldn't be true to myself or what makes me who I am.

So I decorated out of hope, that my heart would follow me into autumn.

Last October, I completed a half-marathon.  It was one of the best and hardest and most fought for things I have ever done in my entire life.  The whole experience grew my faith and love for Jesus, but after it was over I didn't know what to do with myself. I had just experienced something huge for myself and for my faith, but I felt off and empty.  Two months later, Sarah's mom died.  I wasn't able to go to the funeral and I felt like I should have been there.  I coudn't make it work and I was lost in my grief of both losing her and that I had to be absent while those I loved honored her without me.  Sandy wasn't just my best friend's mom, she was my friend and a mother to me too. A routine check up at the end of the year, left me feeling shamed and humiliated by a nurse I didn't know well as my doctor was not able to be at my appointment.  Voices of accusation and lies about my identity and who I was, or rather who I wasn't, were loud that day and I believed every one of them.  After the new year, my RA became aggressive and very active again.  I both started and failed an intense diet where I had worked up the guts to see a doctor about it.  I started out brave and ended as a coward.  I'm still ashamed of myself.  Two months ago, I started a heavy medication which resulted in my husband needing a vasectomy.  We weren't necessarily planning on more children, but the finality of closing that door left an ache in my soul.  And then our church split and God called us to stay where we were.  And this world - I feel incredibly weighed down by current events, an overall darkness and sadness of the state of our world.

I can hardly breathe writing all of that out.  I've been spinning in all of these places, taking horrible care of myself and having little regard for what my heart, my body and my soul are needing.

The day the light came through my window and I sat in its familiar warmth and glow, I felt like I was able to calm down.  All of these things I have been living and believing and struggling with suddenly halted in a few quiet moments with the beauty my Savior gave to me.  I realized how I could always count on this moment to come.  This silly infatuation I have with the light and my window in September.  I count on it.  It always comes.  And how many things can we always count on?  How many things really don't ever change?

He doesn't.  He never changes.  Yesterday, today and forever.  Jesus is the same whether I'm training for a marathon or if I'm lazy on my couch.  He is same whether I choose to have a salad for lunch or a cheeseburger.  He is the same if my friend lives or if she dies, whether my disease is active or in remission.  Even if our world changes or grows darker or scarier - He is the same.  And I forgot this.  I forget His consistency.  I forget that He is faithful and unchanging and unwavering in His love and presence and affection for me.

I give my feelings more room and space than they deserve.  I give them so much power that they take over and dictate what I'll do, where I'll go and how I'll show up to others.  And for the last ten months, I've let my feelings rule my everything, forgetting how much they deceive me.

Maybe it's a silly analogy, but if I waited to decorate and usher in fall until it felt like it outside, I would miss the whole thing.  If I wait until I felt ready to pick myself back up again or when everything that felt out of place in my heart was tidied up, I might never get back up.

Sometimes you have to do things because it's time, not because it feels like it.  Sometimes you have to do what is necessary and trust that your heart and feelings will follow.

That's where I've been this week as I've made my green smoothies for breakfast.  Last year, it was a small and easy way to add greens and other nutrients to my diet and something I can easily do again that doesn't make me feel like I'm dieting or being punished for where I'm at right now.  I'm choosing to take the boys outside and walk the block and play in the sunshine in the afternoons, even if I'm slow and my back hurts from the weight I've gained.  I'm choosing water over soda and taking my vitamins.  I'm saying no to the things in church that I really want to say no to.  I'm being honest with my friends about where I've been and where I would like to be.  I'm discovering again who my really, real friends are - the ones that stick around after changes and hurts and awful church splits.  I'm accepting my husband's pursuits of me when he leans in to kiss me and invites me to intimacy.  I'm choosing to write over watching TV because I can't numb out when I'm writing since it's one of the places I feel the most alive in.  I'm choosing to cry and let feelings pass rather than inviting them to stay.

I often mistake violence for pleasure, and indulgence for need.  I'm discovering how to choose kindness for myself all over again.  It's amazing how quickly you can forget how to be kind to your own soul and body and heart.

I decided not to wait until I feel better or until I've somehow graduated out of this ten-month long funk.  I'm trusting the One who doesn't change.  The One who always sends magical sunshine through my windows in September.  The One whose kindness is so great, it leads me to repentance even if I don't feel like repenting.

That's the thing about God.  He can be found in every season.  I'm grateful where He reminds me of His faithfulness in something like autumn colored leaves - even if I bought them at a store and put them in a vase to look at.  I'm thankful for where He continues to invite me to Himself, using September skies lit up to remind me that He really is always there.

I am choosing kindness for myself, in hopes that my heart follows me into autumn.

Finding home away from home

Over 1,300 miles away from home and I have found pieces of my soul along the way as we have journeyed through Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska and the Dakotas.  Somewhere in waving fields of corn as far as the eye can see, in red barns and blues skies stretched wide and long, something about North Dakota feels like home.  Maybe it's because my husband feels at home here.  Maybe because we are one flesh - I am part of him and he is part of me - maybe there is part of me that is supposed to feel at home here too.  Perhaps it's God's way of tangling a couple together so intimately and deeply that when something fits for one, it can certainly fit for the other too.

But this is definitely his place, much like the crashing waves of the ocean's shore is mine.  And it's fitting for him I think.  North Dakota is much like Todd.  Quiet and calm, gentle and easy, rugged and down-to-earth.  I can literally feel a different pace of life here.  Nothing is hurried or stressful.  Things green and grow in a way that the heat of Texas' summer sun never really can.  And something about this places invites you to slow down.  I've needed that slow down.  We both have.

Today I took in a giant sunflower field.  It was nothing but pure yellow sunshine and joy as if it was created simply for me to delight in. 

I have to say - North Dakota totally gets me.

Even when we were ready to pack up and move here two years ago, me - sight unseen - it never sounded like an exciting destination or a place I would ever choose.  After all, there are so many other showy-offy places to live.  The grand mountains of Colorado Springs, the painted deserts of Arizona, the trendy, fast-paced excitement of New York City, and Florida with beaches that put my gulf coast shores to shame.  And of course Texas - there is no greater place to live than Texas.  But North Dakota?

This place has surprised me.  I wasn't expecting to fall for it and I have a little bit.  Much like I fell for Todd almost 10 years ago - I was surprised that I fell for him too.  He was different than any other man I had known, but I was drawn to him.  I still am.  Even now, in this place that feels like home to him, he feels a bit more alive and vibrant than his normal at-home-in-Texas-self. 

And I'm sure North Dakota is just trying to romance me.  It's showing off with stunningly perfect weather - 76 degrees and breezy.  The grass is so soft you could literally fall asleep in it.  And the neighborhood where his uncle lives feels like something I have read out of a story book where neighbors don't have fences and everyone grows vegetables in their back yards and goes to a family fish fry on the weekend like we did yesterday. Plus, it's summer and I'm not here during blizzard season.  Snow would not be the way to my heart.

Somewhere between the sunflower fields and evergreen tree-lined streets and taking a break from my normal routine and pace of life, I've found rest for my heart.  My mind is alive and buzzing and everywhere we have gone, I'm writing some sentence, some story, some piece of poetry in my head.  Even now, I feel as though I'm spilling over.

My soul feels at peace here.  I'm curious about how at home I feel when I'm so very, very far away from it.

Sunlight

She was always in some kind of love affair with the sun. Sunshine had a way of making her come to life.  Of reminding her that He was there; that He saw her and remembered her and heard her heart.  Whether it was setting or rising or shining bright and high in the sky or glaring off her windshield, peeking through her living room windows or turning her skin a shade of pink - any way it was, she thought it was lovely, perfect. 

But always.  Always the sun made her feel alive again.

 Melting away anything that was frozen over inside of her heart.  Calling her to play, to run, to live.

It was His "Good Morning."  His "I see you darling." His "I know this one will take your breath away."  He had a way of romancing her, wooing her with His warmth and brilliant light.  And she was like His sunflower - bending, stretching, moving towards Him as He made His way through the sky.

And on this day, this January day that came after days and days of gray and cold and wet and dreary, she found herself thankful for them. It made her love the sun and all of its glory even more.  It made this day, this light of the sun, this blue sky all the more special.  Because it meant that once again she was seen and remembered.  He sent it to her when she needed it most.  And He always did that.  Always came through. 

The Son.  Her truest of true loves.  Kissing golden sundrops onto her eyelashes.

Bluebonnets

You have to be from Texas to truly understand our infatuation with Bluebonnets.

You see, spring is a season that literally lasts for a few weeks here - maybe a full month if we are lucky.  There is a short period of time where winter is gone and everything buds up new and green and the weather is absolutely divine.  Wildflowers show off in glorious displays of reds, blues, yellows and bright purples.  It's so breathtaking you can hardly stand it.  But then by May it's gone, and the fresh, new life of spring gives way to heat as summer starts early and ends late. 

Those few weeks of spring though, we enjoy and relish and bask in the glory of windows open weather and the glorious display of Bluebonnet filled fields.

The greatest symbol of spring's arrival in our part of the world are the Bluebonnets.  It is something that every Texan looks forward to with great anticipation.  It's a Texas tradition too - you have to take pictures in the Bluebonnets.  Or force your children to.

My boys are no exception to this tradition.  So naturally, this past Sunday, I dressed them to match (oh yes, I did) and plopped them smack dab in the middle of a Bluebonnet field in hopes of having some of my own precious spring memories.

To my surprise, they both did well.  They smiled and everything.

 In a few weeks this beautiful patch of Bluebonnets will be gone and another spring will have already passed giving way to our usual six-month long summer.

But for now, for this moment, for this day, I'm enjoying the beauty and welcoming in the spring.  Delighting in the gift of Bluebonnets, a vibrant reminder of my Texas home. 

Weekend Perfection.

 Open windows and cool fall breezes.

 

 Sweet, smiley baby boy.

Pumpkin-alooza. 

 Fall decorating.

 Skipped church to do this.  Coffee and play chef.

 Homemade, from scratch pie.  Pumpkin, naturally.

 Yarn wreath-making.

Absolute weekend bliss.

Settled

We're settling back in to whatever this new normal is supposed to look like where we have two boys instead of one.  Where we are living with longing and disappointment and a heaping amount of gratefulness for what we have and that we are all together - here.  In Texas, in this home.  Todd heads back to "the salt mines" tomorrow as he puts it and I'm still waiting and applying and hoping. 

Pictures have gone back on the walls and trinkets back on the shelves.  All of the personally personal things I took down to make it look neutral and inviting for prospective buyers have returned. 

Home finally feels homey again and I get that warm fuzzy feeling even when I look at the assembly of things by my desk where I am sitting here to write tonight.

I'm quite serious when I'll tell you that the family photo gallery wall took the entire day to put together.  Thirty-eight nail holes and a couple coats of spray paint later, I have finally deemed it finished and lovely.  Todd is ecstatic because it means he is done helping me.

As I've waited for jobs to come up to apply for and send my resume to, I've tried to rest in the timing of it all.  I want to enjoy the space I have to simply be at home with my boys where all I have to do is snuggle my baby (who wants to be held ALL THE TIME), create some fun time for Tommy, and make dinner for my family. 

To have Todd back in the every day with us again is heart-warming.  His boys need him just as much as I do and I love that he loves being a daddy - that I don't have to beg him to be involved or to help.  He's a good man, a good daddy, and I hope my boys are just like him.

It feels good to be settling in though.  Even though so much is still up in the air in regards to income and jobs and unknowns in the future, our hearts feel settled.  I've taken comfort and much peace knowing that today we've had what we needed.  Today we've had a meal on the table, and money for bills and gas in our cars.  Though this was yesterday's meal on the table.  Tonight we had pulled pork sandwiches after I discovered some of the meat treasures we had stashed away in our freezer.

And the bonus of any ordinary day is the joy and laughter that comes from the place we call home.  Like the dancing we did today, the silly we create, and the big smiles - especially from this sweet boy that I was finally able to capture on camera!

It's funny, because I expected to write some kind of "settling in" post after we had been in North Dakota for awhile.  Not at the end of April when we were supposed to be packing up our house and moving away.  I remember packing up our pictures, tears streaming down my face, wondering what it would it feel like to settle in to a new place and make it home.  The last thing I expected was to settle back in to the place we've been for the last four years.  Oh what a journey, what a ride all of this continues to be.

I suppose God had a different way of settling us in than we thought.  He has us settled right here in this very home, and right next to His heart.

Anticipating

The cookies are baked and decorated.

A little boy is bored out of his mind waiting for Christmas to finally get here.  He keeps asking when it will snow.  Do you think it could happen in 70 degree weather?

I'm cleaning and cooking and preparing for tonight's Christmas Eve dinner and celebration with Todd's parents - the new tradition we started last year.

When I stop to rest in between all that needs to be done today, my littlest one kicks and moves within me reminding me of miracles and healing and all that I have to treasure this Christmas.

 

Tomorrow we will awake and spend the morning with my parents and siblings.  It's something we haven't done with them in four very long years.

 

The anticipation is absolutely glorious. 

And my heart is unbelievably, overwhelmingly, about-to-burst-with-joy full.

Sounds

Rain softly hitting the roof and the windows. And being alone so it's quiet enough to hear every drop of a rain shower.

Tommy's big laughs. The kind that is so contagious that gets me laughing too. I'm pretty sure his laughter is what joy sounds like.

Ocean waves. Wave after wave crashing one on top of the other, making a beautiful noise like an endless song. I love that it's never still and always going.

Auntie Laura's singing voice. Fluid and calm, like water.

The many crackles and snaps of a wood burning fire.

Fingers moving along the frets of an acoustic guitar. It makes a particular sound and anytime I hear it, I see my dad's face no matter who is playing.

Cold fronts blowing through trees, shaking leaves to the ground.

Music. All music - loud, soft, hard, jazzy, old, new, classical, funky, sweet, angry, sad, worshipful. How it all resonates with different parts of my soul.

Autumn leaves crunching underneath my feet.

Pouring hot coffee into my favorite mug. How it sounds like comfort, warmth and cozy.

Tick-tocks of the many clocks at my Grammy's house. Time passes by more slowly when you can hear the seconds go by in the stillness sitting on her sofa with her sweet face staring back in to your own.

And the breath of a new baby. When you are holding new life in your arms, when only a week ago, he was tucked away safely in his mother's womb. Little grunts and sighs and yawns and quiet coo's of a tiny one, newly born.How watching him sleep and listening to him softly breathe in and out feels like the best thing you've done all day long.

I held my new nephew in my arms last night for the first time. Newborns make the best sounds and Cameron is no exception - he makes excellent newborn sound effects. They made me want to smile and cry and sigh all at the same time.

Today, I'm feeling grateful to be able to hear and listen and be moved by the sounds around me.

Sweetness

Monday evening was the first of what will be four Thanksgiving celebrations for me. The night was spent with the women who attend a Red Tent Dinner that I host at my home once a month. We gather to share life and real stories. We break bread, we drink wine, and we share our hearts around the table.

It has become a sweet time that I've looked forward to every month. The women who attend are all friends that are becoming friends that are even more dear and precious to me.

Two women out of our group were absent that night as I set a smaller table than usual.
The conversation that night was rich and sweet. As the evening went on, we all talked about where we were feeling as the holidays approached. And for all of us, there was much emotion about all of the things we are holding as both Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner.

This time one year ago was hard. I made arrangements to spend Thanksgiving day with my best friend and her family because the circumstances with my own family did not allow for me to spend the day with them. It was my choice and yet it was a hard choice that brought me sorrow and caused others sorrow too. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult last year. Not only was I in immense physical pain because of my newly diagnosed Rheumatoid Arthritis, but my heart just ached.

It's been a year and something has changed - me.

It's hard to explain what's happened, because I'm not really even sure. I didn't do anything - God did it in me. It came as a result of opening my clenched fist. It came after letting Him back in to places of my heart that had been closed off. It came from spending a lot of time with Him because I realized I really, really needed to do that. I can't make life work on my own anymore - I desperately need Him. It came from surrendering my desire to understand things and being filled with His peace. And He hasn't changed my life or my circumstances or my relationships - He's just changed my heart. And I guess because of whatever He did in this heart of mine, my life and my circumstances and my relationships are just starting to look differently.

It's amazing what things look like when you can see life, see yourself, and see others around you when you're no longer looking through the lens of hurt or anger. I almost feel a little bit like the Grinch. Where his heart expands after realizing that Christmas still comes even though he did all he could do to destroy it. I love when he smiles and his eyes soften and he is overcome with warmth and cheer. I feel quite a bit like that.

I am moving into this season with great anticipation. And not because I'm going to have some kind of storybook Thanksgiving or Christmas holiday, but because I am leaning on God in a way that I never have before and it's allowed me to live with a new measure of peace. In this, I feel scared that what's happened to me might go away too. That something huge is going to come and knock me on my butt again and everything that has become new in my heart will wither away again. But I don't want to live in fear of what could be or could happen. I can only live in the now and celebrate what God has done now.

The next Thanksgiving celebration is Sunday at our church. The service will be only music and sharing around the congregation of what God has done and where they want to give thanks to God. I have looked forward to this since it was announced. We've been there almost two years and our church is finally starting to feel like home. Church is beginning to feel safe again. Relationships are finally beginning to form and to share in a Thanksgiving feast with our church body feels sweet.

Next week holds even more. A day spent with my family. I am reveling in the sweetness of planning and preparing for the day as it approaches. It feels good to be here. I am enjoying it, I am thankful for it, I am humbled by it.

I feel surrounded by much sweetness right now. It is good. So good.

Thoughtful Thoughts

I feel more like me - my true and real self - when I've had the rest I need. I feel less chaotic inside and more aware of my surroundings and my heart and I guess I should take note that maybe going to bed earlier would be another thing I could do just to take better care of myself.

And this morning, I felt rested and alive and normal again. Perhaps going to bed at 9:45 helped with that and I should aim for an earlier bedtime every night.

When I walked outside to my car the air felt different. The breeze somehow almost made summer's end feel tangible. Even though my 30 years of living in south Texas reminds me that we still have at least another full month of summer-like temperatures before summer really does end here.

Though I never stop hoping that we'll get "lucky" and maybe this year it will be different. It is sometimes fun to hope and I won't ever stop hoping for an early autumn. I love fall and like every year, I am anxiously awaiting its arrival.

As I pulled out of my neighborhood, I caught the sun - just risen - in the sky. It was beautiful and blood orange. Even though the weather is still quite oppressively hot, the sunrise seemed to echo the whispers from God breathing His golden hued message that relief is on the way. Autumn is around the corner. The great shift in life and weather is coming and the long Texas summer promises to end.

God always woos me with sunrises and the warm colors of the morning that make me feel bright and cheerful and loved.

I thanked Him for beauty. I thanked Him for my job because having it allows me to catch the sunrises I love so much. And I thanked Him for creating me the way that He did so I could appreciate the sunrises that I like to think that He makes just for me.

I've been more thankful lately.

There was an accident on I-35. And it took me 32 minutes to drive three miles. It never takes long for something to happen and attempt to rob me the joy and gladness that resides in my heart. But I chose to sit there - in the traffic, in the not moving, in the frustration of needing to go somewhere and feeling like I was going nowhere. I didn't get angry, and I wasn't exceptionally happy either. I just felt the tension of where I was. And eventually things got moving and I got to where I needed to go.

Traffic is just like a hot summer. It feels like it won't ever end, and it eventually does.

And summer is always the season that leaves me waiting for something new.

Waiting. I am always waiting for something it seems. I am hating it less and accepting it more though. Waiting seems to be an important part of life. I want to live well in the places I find myself waiting for.

None of this feels like it has any real cohesive point. Just some written down thoughts on the final Tuesday of another August gone by.

Sunrises. Traffic. Summer. Autumn. Rest. Thankfulness. Tension. Waiting.

THIRTY - The Best Birthday EVER

Saturday felt like the longest day of my life. The day dragged on and the hours seemed to tick by slowly. I almost felt like a kid on Christmas Eve again - the day was long and it felt like the fun was never going to start! I spent the day doing laundry and counting down the hours until it was finally time to get ready and go to my big 30th birthday bash.

The party was held at the home of some good friends of ours. There were pictures of me as a little girl and grown up for everyone to see displayed on several tables. Even the embarrassing ones like me singing into a hairbrush when I was 14.
The cake lady of cake ladies made my birthday cake!
And my amazingly talented friend Mal made my favorite cupcakes in yellow and sunflowers - very me!

Oh! And I had my own napkins! I was most excited about this.
Two of my bestest friends in the entire world - Sarah and Bethany. They helped put this whole shin-dig together.
And I had to post this picture because it's fun and she is gorgeous. I saw that she had hijacked my camera and I posed in the background.
My cousin-friends Aimee and Anna. They also helped out with some of the details of the party and made the night very special for me. These two young ladies are so incredibly dear to my heart.
My Gramma and me!
My not-so-baby sister celebrating that I turn 30 way before she ever will.
My friend Sarah - her words that night blessed my heart immensely.
Me with my parents.
After eating, we started the night's events with praise and worship. My cousins Jonathan and Aimee led everyone in a few songs. I love that we sang.
After a time of singing, there was a time for words. Everyone at the party had a flower to give to me, to put in one large vase. Everyone came up to me and gave me a word that either reminds them of me, or how they have experienced me. It felt overwhelming to be given words by so many people that night.
It was one of those moments I wish I could rewind and do again. As it was happening I wanted to be able to receive all of the words given to me - gift, beautiful, fun, forthright, encouraging, sunshine. Word after word from person after person who has some unique role and relationship in my life. I was overwhelmed.
Todd was the last to give me a word. And he presented with me with the entire bouquet of flowers once everyone else had spoken. His word for me was MORE. I had called him to more in our life and marriage together and he wanted to share more with me. It was beautiful, the time was beautiful and again I was overwhelmed.
Each person there also lit a candle for me - there were 30. My Gramma lit a candle in my mom's honor and my dearest friends and family lit a candle after giving me a word.
All of the words given to me that night were written on a beautiful mirror that had been given to me. And looking at my reflection in this mirror I am covered with words like Bright, Energetic, Authentic, Worth It, and Passionate - just to name a few. Anyone who knows me well knows of my struggle in front of the mirror - that's where I want to believe lies about myself and who I am. This is a truth mirror. And there is no denying what is true about me when looking into it. I think I am still processing the enormity of this gift and what it meant to my heart to be given such a gift. I am humbled at the thoughtfulness that went into it. I am known and loved well by the people closest to me....
And as if that wasn't enough, I was given a beautiful book that contained even more words.Messages and greetings and memories written from dozens of people - even those who don't live here who wrote to me. I will cherish this forever.
We watched a slide show that my friend Sarah had put together - which seemed fitting for her to have done. She is the friend that has known me the longest - the video made me cry. I felt blessed and humbled at remembering the goodness and grace of God throughout the years my life. And in the faces that I shared so many beautiful memories with over the years.

I went home from the party that night and cried. As I sorted through cards and gifts and let out a big sigh after it was all said and done, I didn't know what else to do. The night was overwhelmed with beauty, thoughtfulness, care and love - for me! And it left me feeling overwhelmed with those things. My party was very me. Thought it felt weird to not have a thing to do with planning my own party (since I am somewhat of a party-planning extraordinaire), the night couldn't have been more wonderful. The only thing that felt missing to me were a few faces of dear friends that couldn't be there that night. I felt their importance and their absence. Even so, the night was lovely and it felt big to know that it had been for me - there was no denying that I was very, very loved.

My darling husband gave me the gift of gifts. A honeymoon. We are planning a trip to the Ozark Mountains in October - a few nights in a beautiful lodge. I caught myself asking him if we could extend the trip if we found a place to set up and camp for a night or two. I almost couldn't believe I suggested it, but I did. I am so looking forward to taking a trip just the two of us - FINALLY!!!! It felt too good to be true when I opened it up and found out what it was that he had gotten for me. I'm not even sure how he worked it out, but he did! Is it October yet?!

Attempting a family photo...Tommy is honking Todd's nose!
As I sit here today and reflect back on the best birthday I think I've ever had - I am still feeling overwhelmed and blessed. So much went into the night to make it special and unique for me and who I am. And it was evident right down to the yellow napkins and the sunflowers and the music and the faces of those who came to celebrate.

I'm not just THIRTY. I am loved, celebrated, and enjoyed!