Seven

Last year's anniversary celebration was so fun and romantic and full of adventure that we knew it would be hard to top it.  After all, we had much to celebrate especially since it had been the year that we had nearly fallen apart.  There was absolutely no chance of a getaway this year considering the way things worked out with North Dakota, which means absolutely zero vacation days for Todd the rest of the year. 

But last week, we tried to make the most of his grueling schedule and our limited together-time and headed off to a restaurant that is special for us.  We held our rehearsal dinner at a place called The Barn Door.  Maybe not the kind of location most would consider wedding rehearsal "elegant" - but Todd and I are more low-key and it suited us well.  I still remember that night - we all dressed in camo and had cut-outs of deer on the tables as decorations. Clearly, it was Todd-themed and casual - and I loved it.  We gathered our closest friends and family and we gave words and gifts to the people that meant the most to us and listened to their hearts for us too.  It was a sweet night I will treasure for always.  Going there to celebrate year seven of marriage just felt right.

We dined over some juicy steaks and reflected on the year behind us.  We thought about the special moments it held, how my pregnancy and Jacob and the North Dakota job changed so much for us.  How different life felt one year down the road from our last anniversary and that being parents of two feels much, much different than being parents of just one. 

In some ways the last year flew by.  And in others, the days were hard and long and struggle-filled.  And yet we looked at each other across the table and decided that the other was still the person that we wanted to do life with.

We talked about our hopes, our goals for the future - what we might like to see for year ten and where we might be three years from now.  We dreamed about a summer vacation next year, perhaps to Michigan to finally spend time with our much-missed friends there. 

But we caught ourselves dreaming.  About moving to New Braunfels (where we attend church and practically spend all our free time at now) at some point, about jobs, about things we wanted to do with our boys, about how we wanted to purpose to live in certain places, about adding on to our family later on.  Dreaming has never been something that has come easy for us.  We've usually been so discouraged by life and how things never work out and more often than not, we would sit and complain or talk about how life seems to work out for everyone else we knew and throw ourselves a pity-party.  True story. 

And even though we could easily add North Dakota to the list of things that didn't work out, that whole story has really done something in us.  We have become dreamers.

If year six was the year that God rescued us and held us together....year seven was the year he expanded our hearts and gave us the room to dream.

It is fun to wonder what might become of all of the dreaming.  Especially those that He has planted in our hearts....

An evening of Eucharisteo

Dinner on the stove, bubbling hot.

Thunder rumbling outside.  Grey, quiet sky, rain falling soft.  

Baby squeals and spit bubbles.

Laughing big laughs and making silly faces for the camera.

Snuggles with my footed sleeper baby.  His eyes drowsy and soft as he surrenders to the night.  

Story time with my big boy.  

Paying bills, writing checks.  Always enough, always.

Texts from friends - constant dialoguing.  Sweet reminders of sweet fellowship and community.

Strong arms of a husband around me.  Love fought for, lived for.

Mommy Confessions

It's hard to explain.  Having two kids feels like having so many more than one, and I simply don't know how this can be.  Perhaps it's because Tommy is so independent and self-sufficient.  He can get himself out of bed, take himself to the bathroom, turn on his morning cartoons, and come and ask for milk and breakfast.  He can play on his own if I need to get something done and he doesn't sit there and wail and beg to be held all the time.

Tommy is a blast.  We have the best conversations, we play together.  We tell jokes, I read him stories, he's even eating what we eat for dinner now without a huge battle waged over whether or not he will do it (most of the time anyway).  Tommy is easy to enjoy at this age, though with him, he has always felt easy to enjoy.  Maybe it's because he was my first - the one I prayed for and never thought I'd have.  Maybe it's because we are both firstborns and share a special connection.

And as wonderful as the baby thing can be - I mean they're so cute and cuddly and when they laugh for the first time it makes you cry - it requires so much tending to.  Maybe because it had been nearly four years, I forgot how much it takes out of you to mother a baby.  The holding, the feeding, the rocking, the getting pooped on, the sitting out with your baby while everyone else is doing something fun.  The never getting to make out with your husband because they seem to always wake up right when things are getting exciting.  And  the overwhelming feelings of just wanting to get out and do something that makes you feel like you the woman, rather than the mommy who just managed to get spit up on straight into the crotch area. 

I mean sometimes, I just want to put on a pair of heels, have a margarita and enjoy a conversation that doesn't come with a side of a restless, fussy baby or an episode of The Backyardigans.  What is uninterrupted, adult conversation anyway?

More often than not I have found myself disgruntled, discouraged, and frustrated.  I keep telling myself that I'm too old for this.  I'm too set in my ways to handle raising another baby from scratch all over again. And forget, FORGET, a number three.  Though of course in the deepest deep of my heart....

But the guilt.  The over-riding guilt because this time around, I want to be at work every day - I really do.  The guilt that comes when I would rather be in the pool than out of it holding Jacob.  The guilt I have when I need a break even on the weekend when it's some of the only quality time I have with my boys.  And the biggest chunk of guilt where I feel like I enjoy Tommy more than Jacob - where I'm struggling to connect with him and enjoy him.  It's hard not to travel down the whole "what the hell is wrong with me ?" road and "I'm so selfish it should be a crime."

Yesterday, I took Tommy to get his haircut and I was solo with both boys.  Managing this event all by myself with the two of them felt like this giant feat.  I was relieved that Jacob wasn't fussy and that Tommy didn't throw a major tantrum now that he has realized he has officially graduated from sitting in the cool cars to a big boy chair at the hair place.  I even felt good about myself, like maybe I was getting the hang of something.  Juggling the carseat, teaching Tommy to look both ways before stepping out into the street - I remember thinking, "Okay, I got this.  I'm doing it.  I can be a mother of two."

But then the evening came.  Todd was out of town and I was at a pool party with friends.  And I had to sit on the outside holding Jacob while everyone else got to play and enjoy themselves.  (I have yet to find size small swimming diapers or swimming shorts/shirts in his size so that he can come in the pool with me.  Baby girl swimsuits abound, but the boy things - they do not!)  And I lost it and had to go inside and cry everywhere for awhile.  And the tears were about more than that - because Todd wasn't there and I always feel lost without him.  Really, it was disappointment upon disappointment. 

At it's root was where I've been beating myself up for all the guilt.  The wishing Jacob was bigger already and wishing away his babyness - all so I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it.  And I've felt alone here.  Though I know I'm not the only woman who has ever felt this way, it feels like it most of the time. Even writing this I fear all of the mommies who might condemn me or leave me comments full of "encouragement" that feels more like a slap in the face and affirms all I have to be guilty over.

My biggest fear is that I will look back on this season of life with regret.  That I'll want to beat myself up for my selfishness and wishing away Jacob's smallness and I'll have missed all of these wonderful things because I was so self-centered.  I know I have my own limits as a woman and as a parent, but I feel like my limits look different than others.  That is a whole new can of worms I can open if I start comparing myself to all of my other fellow mother-friends and their own abilities and limitations.

There are moments though.  Small, fleeting ones where Jacob smiles at me and talks his awesome baby talk and I am so full of joy and delight I could bust open.  I can already tell that he will be much more social and vocal than Tommy was and is.  He wants to be in the action, see everything that's going on and he has a lot to say about it even only being three months old.  He is completely different than Tommy - in appearance, in attitude, in neediness, in every sense of the word.  And maybe I expected all of it, even how I felt, to be the exact same way the second time around.

At the end of a work day though, the first thing I want to do is hold him.  His laugh makes me light up inside and nothing beats that feeling when he has finally surrendered to sleep on my chest and I can hear his little breath.  I do cherish those times.  Small and fleeting though they may be, I have them.

I wish I could tie up my thoughts neatly as though I've figured something out.  But I haven't.  I have much to learn, much to wade through, and much more to struggle with and enjoy while Jacob is still small and dependent on me. 

One thing is for sure:  it's messy.  It's as messy as the poop I somehow managed to get all over my hand this morning during a diaper change.  It's as messy as his spit-uppy smiles.  Maybe all of it - my feelings, the experience, the everything that comes with being a mom and the parenthood journey is supposed to be that way.  Messy.

Learning to see and find the joy and the grace, even if you're covered in shit.  Messy indeed.

Salt n' Peppa

Perhaps the very best date nights are the impromptu ones.  When you haven't gotten all dressed up or made big plans and had been looking forward to it for a week.

The spur of the moment dates that just happen out of the blue because you need to run and get a book and stop by the second job, and while we're at it, why don't we share a bowl of queso and get a half price shake at Sonic too and pretend like we're on some romantic excursion?  Errand running without the boys morphed into date night.  I was in shorts and my hair was up and it was casual and on the fly.  And I absolutely loved it.

It was a random outing and a much needed one.  Life seems to speed by so fast these days, that stealing time away together as a couple feels next to impossible.  I keep wondering why two kids feels like so many more than just one?  How adjusting to a new family member seems to take longer somehow?  Needless to say, we were both a bit grateful to have some adult time with no one needing to be fed or taken to the potty or told to eat all of their green beans.

Our seven year anniversary is days away and we spent the evening reflecting on where we've been in the last year.  How Jacob and North Dakota and God has changed up everything and we are still trying to pick up the pieces - especially Todd.  It has been hard watching him go through his own set of struggles with all of this.  The disappointment, the loss of a dream, and the hurt and anger he carries about all of it.

We talked some about life and what it feels like to share it together.  Sometimes I feel as though I keep running ahead.  I spent so much of my life unhappy and miserable and not living, that now, I get so caught up in living and going and doing and saying yes, that I often forget that we are sharing this life together and maybe I need to slow down a bit.  Maybe I need to let him catch up.  Or maybe I need to take a few steps back and come alongside of him - and wait.   

We're different, he and I.  We couldn't be more opposite.  But we go together - it works.  I may or may not have gotten totally cheesy at the restaurant and used salt and pepper shakers to make my point. (Which totally means that I did.)

I've been reflecting on what living might look like in the waiting.  Where I might need to slow it down for the sake of loving my husband well and caring for his heart.  Even though he might not know what exactly he needs from me right now, I can be there - be present, be with him.  I think God called me to be the one who will forever invite him out of the corner of life and onto the main floor.  God chose me for a role that means putting a face and a touch and tears and a voice to the invitations that God is constantly extending to him - to all of us really.  The best thing we can do for any person, especially our spouse, is to encourage them to be more of who they were created to be.  Remind them of the truth of who God is and who He says that we are in Him.

I remember reading this last year in the book "The Meaning of Marriage" by Timothy Keller.  He writes:

"If you don't see your mate's deep flaws and weaknesses and dependencies, you're not even in the game.  But if you don't get excited about the person your spouse has already grown into and will become, you aren't tapping into the power of marriage as spiritual friendship.  The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved.  You see even now flashes of glory.  You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be."

Since meeting Todd back in 2005, I have always been able to notice those flashes of glory.  I think that's what drew me to him.  From the beginning it was obvious that Todd gave me parts of his heart that he never trusted anyone else with.  I have honored and cherished that about him.  And I know, that as his wife, my role is to spur him on and encourage him to be the man that God created him to be.  Not to so I'll have some ultra-awesome husband (though that is a bonus).  But because that's simply part of what marriage is.  Loving another undeserving, flawed, needy human being - it's a reflection of how much we are loved by the King.

Sometimes life and marriage feels like it's simply one struggle to the next though.  You make it over one hurdle and you find out that the next one is just right around the corner.  But at the same time, there is so much joy and passion and life and love in between all of it if you can stop to notice and acknowledge it.

And Saturday night, amidst the queso and conversation, we noticed.

I am grateful to do life with a man who desires joy, passion, life and love.  And who wants to share those things....with me.

Locked-In

Have you ever been locked into a huge building with 30 teenagers all night long?  It might look something like a never ending game of nine square....

  And a session of Catch Phrase at midnight.

  Youth group lock-ins mean a round of beach-ball relay....

And sucking down baby food peas....because this is simply what you do when you're in high school youth group.

 Some of my greatest memories from high school were from my times spent at youth group.  Playing games, singing with friends, doing Bible studies - just figuring out who I was and wanted to be.  My hope is to not only have impact as we sit and talk in small groups about the Word or our struggles or questions about our faith, but to be an example of a woman that lives and loves and plays.

Since last year I've been helping out with the youth group at our church.  I lead a small group with another gal my age for the Junior/Senior girls - and I love it.  Youth ministry is a place I definitely feel called to.

Especially when it means that blow up Sumo suits are nearby.....

And you get to watch this go down!

 I got to teach the kids one of my all-time favorite games from youth group called "Do you love your neighbor?"  A crazy game of running around and chair-stealing and neighbor-loving and many toe injuries from all of the chaos.  I felt like I was sixteen again.

 But then the creepy-in-the-middle-of-the-night games started and that's when my age and lack of sleep started to catch up to me and I remembered that I was so not sixteen anymore.

  I pooped out at around 1:30am - I did after all, have a baby and an almost four year old to tend to in the morning and needed something in me to wake up and be mommy in the morning.

 

All of it did make for an exciting Friday night.

 And next year, we will probably do it all over again!

Jack-Jack

Since Jacob was about a month old, his hair has done this super cute thing.  Parts of it stand up straight and comes to this point and it's basically the cutest thing in the entire world.  This picture only captures about 25% of the cuteness, but really it's precious.  And it cracks me up.

 Mostly because he reminds me of Jack-Jack - from The Incredibles.  

See what I mean?  If my kid were a cartoon, would this not be him?

 

(via)

And when he smiles (which he simply won't do for the camera right now) he is almost a spitting image of this cartoon baby.  I love it.

Jacob has already snagged the nick-name "Jack-Jack".  And I'm feeling a Halloween costume in the making already....

Some Blog-keeping

So apparently, "Blog every day in May" turned into, poop-out-in-the-middle-of-it-all because May is cray-cray.

Fo shizzle.

Not sure why I felt the need to talk like a teen-rapper just then, but there ya go.  Yo.

Okay, I'm done.  I promise.

But I couldn't keep up with the every day thing as much as I wanted to, and I feel sad about it because I was totally on board.  But it feels like way too much to back-track now so here we are - hello May 28th.  

It feels like ages since I've written - so naturally, a newsy post is as creative as it's going to be for tonight.

Here's what's happening in my neck of the woods....

In a nutshell, life has been nuts!  My new job is great - really great.  I work literally down the street from my house (which  means I never, ever have to drive in traffic - holla!), and with a small group of wonderful, wonderful people - one whom I have known since childhood.  The people I work with leave me feeling uplifted, and even though I'm away from home all day long, my soul almost feels fed after spending time with them even though we are working on letterman jacket orders of all things.  But the job is in its busiest season and my brain is working non-stop until quitting time.  It's been fun doing something new and breaking out of the familiar bookkeeping routine. 

Starting next week, things will slow way down and we'll be able to regroup and tackle some fun summer projects.  I'm looking forward to the slower pace and some fun new changes.

Also, I realized that I have this grand love affair with fall, but there is so much living to do in the summer that I'm pretty sure summer is probably my very favorite time of year even if it doesn't have anything to do with pumpkin related things or planning for holiday gatherings.

It flooded in San Antonio over the weekend.  Thankfully, the waters weren't too bad near our house, though one intersection was shut down about a half mile down from where we live from where a creek had risen and was rushing over the road.  Mostly, I was bummed that the storms ruined our fun waterpark plans with friends that day.  Fun Schlitterbahn today, turned into chores day.  Not nearly as exciting.

We ended up doing the waterpark with friends on Sunday after church and got rained on part of the time and it was even almost chilly.  That wasn't nearly as exciting either.  We Texas folk are used to 100 degree weather by now and this mild 80's stuff is leaving us feeling confused!

Speaking of Texas folk, I'm happy that I'm still one of them considering that this would have been my very last week in Texas had the North Dakota plan not fallen through.  I'm very, very glad that this is not my last week in Texas.

Somehow Jacob turned three months old today. What?  He's definitely a needier baby than Tommy was and requires lots of holding and snuggling and face time.  Though we are at the point that I can put him down for the night fully awake and he can put himself to sleep and he where he also sleeps fully through the night, I really can't complain.  Also, I can NOT get him to smile for the camera or my phone - he sees them come out and immediately puts his smile away.  Stinker.  But a cute one.

Tommy almost made it to four years old without ever having a major tummy bug.  But then last night happened and shot down that awesome record.  Poor little guy caught something awful and spent all night sick to his stomach.  Thankfully, he turned a corner this morning and we pumped him full of juice and Pedialyte and water and he was able to keep fluids and a few crackers down successfully.  But oh man - was that a rough, rough night. 

It may be after 10pm, but a few chores are calling my name before bedtime.  I'm hoping in the coming days and weeks that life provides a little bit more time for rest and for things like reading and writing.  My soul needs all of that.

Like fo shizzle yo.