My husband has been having some serious issues with his heart the last few weeks. He goes in for a hearth cath procedure tomorrow so the doctors can determine what exactly is wrong. The last few weeks he has been pale and gray. He's had no energy. He hasn't slept well. He's had chest pains, bradycardic episodes, dizziness and shortness of breath. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital one morning because he thought he was having a heart attack. He wakes up feeling sick every morning. He can't handle much activity. We went fishing for his birthday and walking to the pier and back to the car was about all he could handle.
He's not himself. I'm beside myself.
At the moment, I'm stoic and numb and in survivor mode where I get shit done and handle business because there's no time for me to have a breakdown right now.
People keep asking me what I need, and it's a hard question to respond to because I know exactly what I need, but they aren't things I can ask of anyone. Unless someone dumped a load of cash in my driveway, I wouldn't get 80% of the things on this list that I need. So what do we do when we know what we need but there's no way of getting it?
I haven't found the answer to that question. In the meantime, I've got my big girl panties pulled up and I'm trudging through one difficulty after another because life is a big shit-show.
What I need is rest.
What I need is for my husband to be okay and make it through all of this terrifying cardiovascular crap and feel healthy and normal again.
What I need is a friend. A real life one that shows up and loves me in spite of my flaws and inconsistencies and knows that life is a big fat mess, just like me. And one that doesn't walk away - no matter what.
What I need is for life to stop costing so much money.
What I need is for someone to fill my pantry and my fridge with all of the food so I don't have to think about groceries or spending money on groceries. And if someone wanted to come and cook all the food for my entire giant family, that would be pretty great too.
What I need is for someone to clean and organize my entire house, because I am too exhausted and overwhelmed and my house feels like chaos which leaves me with no real place to retreat to.
What I need is just a moment to fall apart. Completely.
What I need is for someone to mow my yard and make it look pretty so I don't get ugly letters from the HOA.
What I need is for someone to come do all of the laundry in my house and then fold it, put it away and hang it up.
What I need is a sleep study and a mammogram and a trip to the gyno and the dentist and all of the things I need to do to take care of my own damn body.
What I need is more therapy.
What I need is for people to stop telling me to hang in there.
What I need is for people to stop telling me that God is preparing me for something or He's at work making me more like Christ. Just no. Stop it. I get it and I don't necessarily disagree. BUT STOP TELLING ME THIS. Like, seriously.
What I need is someone to take all of our kids this weekend so I can recover from this week's emotional rollercoaster.
What I need is for something - anything - to go right.
What I need is money. I'm missing work. My husband is missing work. We have less money coming in and more going out. Don't even get me started on medical bills. I couldn't bring myself to even open the mail yesterday as the stack of mounting bills was an invitation to a sob fest I wasn't up for.
What I need are new shoes. New bras. New clothing. A new pillow for my bed. I haven't bought myself anything from anywhere because everyone else comes first.
What I need is a very long vacation. Preferably at the beach.
What I need is a pedicure and a massage and all of the pampering so I can feel some physical relief and comfort.
What I need is Jesus - the real, physical, flesh and blood Jesus - to come to my house and hold me while I cry until I don't have any tears left. I need Him to look at me with how I imagine His understanding Jesus eyes to be, and tell me that He still loves me and all of this neverending hardship isn't a punishment for my sins because that's what everything feels like.
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