the in-between

Recently I had to go try on a bridesmaid dress.  I was nervous about this, given my last bridesmaid experience was not very wonderful because I hated how the dress looked on me and I couldn't sit in it and all of it left me more emotionally scarred than anything like that should normally do to a person.  Plus, I still have a hard time with dresses in general, because well, I do.

I went to the bridal salon all by myself.  The dress is a strapless gown with pockets - it was very cute, very stylish.  And so nothing I would have picked out.  I was sure it was going to look horrible on me as I assume about most every dress.

I held my breath as I looked in the mirror.  And I didn't hate what I saw.  The reflection staring back at me looked pretty.  The dress looked nice on her - really nice actually.

It was flattering and I could sit down in it and everything.  I even sent a message to my cousin (now Bride-cousin) that it rocked and I totally loved it.  The dress showed where my body has changed some in the last few months.  I'm the hardest on myself - but I noticed.  I could see it.  I could tell there was a change.

I'm in this in-between place right now.  I'm at the point where people are starting to notice that I've lost some weight and they are starting to ask questions about what I'm doing or how many pounds I've lost.  All of that feels very triggering and I'm trying to stay grounded in it all because this is SO not just about losing weight, or even getting healthy or cooking light or exercising.  It's about learning to live without this addiction.  Learning how to be more dependent on God and less on me and my familiar ways of coping.

My story here is so complex.  How are you supposed to be kind to yourself and to the other inquiring person, when what's true is that you are in recovery for a nearly life-long binging disorder?  And what do you say when you're really just taking it one day at a time and trying to take the best care of you and your body that you know how?  All of this looks like it needs to look for me - no one else.  Just me.

This is the place, like so many times, I've given up.  Something - like perhaps a bridesmaid dress dilemma- might discourage me and wipe me out and I'll return to old habits.  I'm aware that if I keep going and keep on doing what I've been doing that I will have gotten farther than I. EVER. HAVE. EVER.  It's a big deal and I feel both nervous and excited.  I feel confident and at the same time, evil is whispering in my ear that I won't get there and I can't do this.

There is a point that I hope to reach on the scale.  I am not far from it.  And if and when I get to that number it will feel huge because I haven't seen that number as my weight in six, very long years.

It's hard though.  To still love myself the way I am right now.  This work in progress.  This awkward in-between place where I am in the middle and not yet where I want to be. 

But I'm learning to.  I'm building on what is good, what I'm doing well, where I am making progress.  I'm accepting the awkward, unfinished parts of me as they are.  Like the woman in the bridesmaid dress that was staring back at me.

It was me.

Not yet where I want to be, but very much on my way there.