It's no secret that I've wanted a daughter from the very first day I found out I was pregnant. I've been dreaming of frilly dresses and a nursery done in yellow and gray and sharing tea parties and playing Barbies. I wanted a girl so much that I felt afraid of what my response might be if I found out that I was having another little boy instead. I was convinced that I would be so disappointed that it would take me weeks to move through that. And that my son would somehow know this and never feel wanted or loved because his mommy really wanted a girl.
But Wednesday morning as I caught the first glimpses of our sweet baby on the TV screen, I had an overwhelming sense of calming peace. He was wiggling around so much that it was obvious from the very beginning, that it was no little girl in there. It was most definitely a boy! We had planned to have the screened turned off so we could reveal the gender together in private, but when I saw what I saw, both Todd and I knew right away that we were looking at our second son.
There was a bit of disappointment there for sure. I would have loved to see a girl "us." Yet, my heart felt and feels so overwhelmingly full. I've had a joy and gladness in my heart that I didn't quite expect to be there and it feels sweet that my God, the Maker and Lover of my heart, gave me such joy even though His best looks different than what I had been imagining.
Maybe this sounds a little presumptuous, but I've decided that God has something special in store for my heart. There are some longings and aches that He is entrusting me to hold and to live fully with. Parts of my story and heart will continue to await the redemption that having a daughter would have touched. I can only imagine that the waiting and hoping and living with those longings will have some kind of glorious ending whether I experience a taste of that here or in eternity.
The name we have chosen for our son is rich with meaning. Jacob Paul.
Jacob - a strong and serious name, much like his older brother Thomas. (Thomas - the disciple who is known for doubting, but really, he had such a heart for Jesus and desperately wanted to know and be known by his Savior. Also, the name of my father). And now Jacob - the man who wrestled with God in the Bible. I've always loved that story - it tells me that it's okay to wrestle with Him and it's part of being in a relationship. I feel like I know what it means to wrestle like that and I have throughout the years - sometimes even on a daily basis. And however Jacob's story unfolds, I would hope that as He comes to know God, He will wrestle too - I think that's the only way of really knowing Him maybe. Struggling, wrestling, and being real in His presence.
Paul is my Grandfather's name. The man who has left a legacy and heritage for our family. Because of him and his heart for Jesus, and the traditions we value and carry on because He started them - our son will bear his name as part of his own identity.
So, God's best for us and for our family is boys - two beautiful, healthy sons. I am so grateful and excited to welcome our sweet Jacob in to our hearts and our home. Tommy gets to have a little brother and I get to continue living a splendidly adventurous, active life with my handsome boys around me.
Thank you for sharing in our joy! It's a boy!