August 31, 2016

Life Lately

Keeping a blog as I've had now for many years, my intention was always to write a few times a week.  This space has always been a public journal of sorts:  Family happenings.  Musings on motherhood.  Stories shared.  Memories remembered. 

With the way my life looks now, I'm lucky if I post once or twice a month anymore and I find myself having to back track and remember things I wanted to post rather than write as they've happened.  I'm always so ever aware, that life happens in seasons. The one I'm in doesn't allow much space for writing, though if I'm honest, the free time I've had has been spent numbing out to various series on Netflix and spending adequate time checking out.  I've been tired, weary, sad and struggling.  Thankfully, I reached out to a friend and I've been sorting through some of those things, but for now, my creative writing juices and writing out what is in my heart seems to be a sporadic happening. 

Right now, I seem to be aware that another summer has ended, even though it's still 95 degrees.  Life continues to feel like it's happening in fast-forward motion as so much of my year feels missing and unaccounted for as I was sick or slept my way through months of it.

A few little nuggets of life that I don't want to forget.....

 Tommy started the 2nd grade.  I don't even know how it's possible to have a second grader.

 My Batman.
  It was as dramatic as loosing teeth might be for this one, but we finally have a front tooth-less smile from my big boy.
Silly Hulk feet.
 Grand opening of a fun store in San Antonio that I was way too excited about. The nerdiness has been strong with me.  Never to miss an opportunity for a photo with a superhero.
 Celebrating my dear friend Shelly's birthday.
 And Tiffany's wedding doing the bridesmaid thing.
 Tommy and Tippy on her special day.

Taking my train-loving boy for a train ride at the park. 
Thankfully, the seasons are changing as they are so faithful to do.  I look forward to the fullness the next few months will bring with it and the gratitude that remains in my heart for being fully alive to live it.

August 14, 2016

Mr. Personality

Jacob.  Jacob is....

Jacob is something.

If there was ever a picture that captures his personality and who he is, it would be this one.  Eyes full of silly, wonder, and mischief.  The cutest grin on the face of the planet.  He's up to something, wheels turning, mind racing, pondering what kind of trouble or havoc he can create in his little world. 

Jacob experiences his world with his entire being.  He runs the fastest.  Screams the loudest.  Smiles the biggest.  Cries the hardest.  Laughs the longest.  I have always seen this light in him, something bright and big that gives me a glimpse into the man he is going to be someday.

I've been vocal with my friends about what a challenge he has been to raise and mother.  He has a fiery, emotional personality.  He is passionate, stubborn, and strong-willed.  He can be explosive and raging angry.  And he is precious, affectionate and adoring.  He knows how to work his big blue eyes and convince me to give him anything, which is why he may be accustomed to having a popsicle for breakfast from time to time. 

And we have had to grow together.  I have had to learn how to help him calm down and teach him how to do it himself.  How to deal with him in a quiet and persistent kind of patience.  I've learned that sometimes we have to get to a quiet space away from a situation so he can hear me, hear himself and find some peace again.  I've learned that he has to get out and have plenty of physical activity if I want him to be able to listen and still when needed.  Some days are better than others, and some days I completely fail him and I lose it.  Jacob has the ability to bring out the very worst parts of me and I hate that.  I hate that he has to know me in these places.  I hate that he is like me in these places.  That his rage, his anger, his explosiveness comes from me.  That some days, I discipline him for the very things he has seen me do.

He is a challenge and he is hard.  It has made motherhood feel hard and I have envied my friends whose children have more even temperaments and better manners.  I have the child that may punch yours in the stomach if they take his toy.  I have the child that might say shit because he heard it in a movie and yes, we let him watch a movie that had the word shit in it and now you know that because he's three and he's cussing.  I have the child that doesn't like to share.  I have the child that squirts an entire tube of toothpaste all over the bathroom sink.

And I have the child that is the source of deep, from-the-belly laughter in our house.  Who reminds me that discipline is always followed by hugs and kisses.  I have the child that invites me to embrace the world and to live life more fully than I would if he weren't in it.

Jacob.  Jacob is.....

Jacob is something.  And I'm glad he's mine.

August 3, 2016

It's August

It's August already.  I'm not ready for it to be August, because if it's August then that means it's nearly September and if it's nearly September then it's practically fall.  And if it's practically fall then it's time to think about Christmas and if it's Christmas.....didn't I just wake up from Christmas?

It's August and I still feel like I'm missing this chunk of my life that was consumed with my illness and surgery and recovery.  So much of me has wanted to close this chapter on my life that was my diverticulitis and my bowel resection as if it never happened.  But people keep reminding me of it because I look "so amazing" and then the medical bills that still keep arriving in our mailbox reminding me how expensive all of this was and has been.

It's August and we didn't get to have a family vacation this year and I've been pouting about it.  I took the week off of work this week and it's been a bust.  It has reminded me that I'm not up for the stay-at-home-mom life and I feel like I've been nothing but a disappointment to my boys all week because some of the fun things have ended up falling through and we have no money to do anything fun and it seems like all the fun things to do take money that we don't have.  Because medical bills and debt.

It's August and I feel lost.  We left our church and it broke my heart to do so and it's exhausting to be looking for some place new.

It's August and there are school supplies in my dining room.  Because it's almost time for second grade and another year of routine and homework and learning new things and figuring out new schedules.  There are still school clothes to buy with the money we don't have.  Because medical bills and debt.

It's August and it looks like more change is on the horizon with jobs and work and childcare arrangements.  And all of the possibility of change makes me tired.

It's August and I'm struggling.  I'm discouraged and I'm having a hard time.  I'm using new things in the place of old addictions and I'm frustrated that I continue to find small, little gods to fill a void and a chasm inside of me that can't be filled by anything or anyone but Him.

It's August.