It's August already. I'm not ready for it to be August, because if it's August then that means it's nearly September and if it's nearly September then it's practically fall. And if it's practically fall then it's time to think about Christmas and if it's Christmas.....didn't I just wake up from Christmas?
It's August and I still feel like I'm missing this chunk of my life that was consumed with my illness and surgery and recovery. So much of me has wanted to close this chapter on my life that was my diverticulitis and my bowel resection as if it never happened. But people keep reminding me of it because I look "so amazing" and then the medical bills that still keep arriving in our mailbox reminding me how expensive all of this was and has been.
It's August and we didn't get to have a family vacation this year and I've been pouting about it. I took the week off of work this week and it's been a bust. It has reminded me that I'm not up for the stay-at-home-mom life and I feel like I've been nothing but a disappointment to my boys all week because some of the fun things have ended up falling through and we have no money to do anything fun and it seems like all the fun things to do take money that we don't have. Because medical bills and debt.
It's August and I feel lost. We left our church and it broke my heart to do so and it's exhausting to be looking for some place new.
It's August and there are school supplies in my dining room. Because it's almost time for second grade and another year of routine and homework and learning new things and figuring out new schedules. There are still school clothes to buy with the money we don't have. Because medical bills and debt.
It's August and it looks like more change is on the horizon with jobs and work and childcare arrangements. And all of the possibility of change makes me tired.
It's August and I'm struggling. I'm discouraged and I'm having a hard time. I'm using new things in the place of old addictions and I'm frustrated that I continue to find small, little gods to fill a void and a chasm inside of me that can't be filled by anything or anyone but Him.