Jacob. Jacob is....
Jacob is something.
Jacob experiences his world with his entire being. He runs the fastest. Screams the loudest. Smiles the biggest. Cries the hardest. Laughs the longest. I have always seen this light in him, something bright and big that gives me a glimpse into the man he is going to be someday.
I've been vocal with my friends about what a challenge he has been to raise and mother. He has a fiery, emotional personality. He is passionate, stubborn, and strong-willed. He can be explosive and raging angry. And he is precious, affectionate and adoring. He knows how to work his big blue eyes and convince me to give him anything, which is why he may be accustomed to having a popsicle for breakfast from time to time.
And we have had to grow together. I have had to learn how to help him calm down and teach him how to do it himself. How to deal with him in a quiet and persistent kind of patience. I've learned that sometimes we have to get to a quiet space away from a situation so he can hear me, hear himself and find some peace again. I've learned that he has to get out and have plenty of physical activity if I want him to be able to listen and still when needed. Some days are better than others, and some days I completely fail him and I lose it. Jacob has the ability to bring out the very worst parts of me and I hate that. I hate that he has to know me in these places. I hate that he is like me in these places. That his rage, his anger, his explosiveness comes from me. That some days, I discipline him for the very things he has seen me do.
He is a challenge and he is hard. It has made motherhood feel hard and I have envied my friends whose children have more even temperaments and better manners. I have the child that may punch yours in the stomach if they take his toy. I have the child that might say shit because he heard it in a movie and yes, we let him watch a movie that had the word shit in it and now you know that because he's three and he's cussing. I have the child that doesn't like to share. I have the child that squirts an entire tube of toothpaste all over the bathroom sink.
And I have the child that is the source of deep, from-the-belly laughter in our house. Who reminds me that discipline is always followed by hugs and kisses. I have the child that invites me to embrace the world and to live life more fully than I would if he weren't in it.
Jacob. Jacob is.....
Jacob is something. And I'm glad he's mine.