The start to this year has felt quieter for me. My calendar has been a little less full of social activity than it has been in the last several months. And I'm not sure if anyone has noticed, but there have been fewer pictures posted - especially of myself.
I'm not one for making new year resolutions, and if I do, I'm definitely not one for posting them on my blog. But I did set out at the beginning of this year with a new muscle of determination to not necessarily just lose weight, but to live healthier. If last year was the year that I lived, what did I want this year to be?
I want it to be the year that I was kind to myself. The year I remained close to God and relied on Him for all that I needed. The year that I lived healthier and lost weight. And the year I finally kicked this addiction thing in the ass because dammit I want to experience some freedom here and I know I can! (And yes I am the kind of woman who says God and ass in the same paragraph!)
In the past, I've set out to lose weight and have fallen on my butt time and again. It's been an embarrassing struggle that everyone around me gets to observe as they watch my weight fluctuate up and down whether I write about it or not. And what I've figured out in the last couple of years, is that no one knows what this is like for me, but me. Understanding that has freed me up to at least try to stop worrying about what others are thinking about me and my body.
Currently, I feel like I'm under construction. This process is a slow one and I have to remind myself daily that I'm not just in this to lose weight, but because I want to live healthier and quit treating my body in such damaging ways. I've joined the gym and have been exercising on an almost-daily basis. I'm eating more protein and green things, less sugar and pushing through the moments or hours that are hard and I just want to return to old habits. I'm extending myself some grace and reminding myself almost daily that this whole process is not just about numbers.
It's a fight, but for the first time, I really feel like I'm in it. I think my last year, the year that I really lived, helped me be more ready to do this. At this point, I'm not wanting to share numbers and pounds lost.
(March 1, 2012)
I'm careful about what I want to share here, yet it feels like a noteworthy day too. Because today I recognize progress. It's been happening from the inside and slowly but surely, the outside is changing too.