March 1, 2012

In my brokenness

Tommy didn't want me to leave this morning for work. He cried and threw a fit and didn't want to hug me goodbye and it felt like I was breaking his heart and betraying him because he was used to having me home two days during the week and now he doesn't anymore.

It's in these moments where tears are streaming down his face and he wails "Mama," that I feel like I'm making a mistake. And then I'm reminded that I'm backed in to a corner and have no real choice in the matter. That ideally, I want to work part-time and financially, I'm having to work more hours. I hate feeling like I have no choice - it makes me feel powerless.

And ultimately, I still feel haunted daily by what I'm missing out on. What his story is lacking because I'm not present in it as much as I want to be or should be. All of the adventures he is having with his Oma and not with me. Guilt, shame, regret....those feel ever-present with me this morning.

After getting settled in to my day at work, I checked in with a few of the blogs I read and came across hers. The book she wrote has finally arrived and she held it in her hands for the first time. And I started crying all over again. Because I wanted it to be me. I want to figure out how to write my story and I want to hold it in my hands and see it on a shelf. It's something I've wanted since I was a little girl and I feel like I'm finally alive enough to really want it and go after it.

But I'm aware of where I need space and time and quiet to begin, because actually, I feel like I finally have a real "plan" for writing it out.

The reality sets in of where I am at though. The place in my story where I am still broken and unfinished. Where I am a working mom and have a hard time staying on top of keeping a house and taking care of myself, and how silly it seems to do something like attempt to write an actual book in the midst of where I currently find myself.

My hope is that somehow in my brokenness, in my absence from my son's life, and in the messy places I live every single day, that something beautiful will spring from it all. Making all of these tears, all of the pain, all of the wretched feelings I feel now, worth it in the end.

1 comment:

  1. I've been meaning to ask whether you read Alice Bradley's blog about writing, Write Anyway. It's got lots of good advice and in particular, she advises you to set aside 15 minutes a day to write. Because everyone can find 15 minutes. Not that I've followed this advice or anything, but it does seem like an excellent idea. Anyway, here's the link: