"I'm eatin' a sandwich"

The highlight of every week for me has to be Wednesday nights.  I spend them at church with teenagers for youth group where we play games and hang out and talk and fellowship together.  There is something about being up close and personal with these young women especially that feels like a necessary part of ministry and living for me.  It both fills and empties me and every conversation or embrace or inside joke we share, (I'm eatin' a sandwich) is as if I'm going back in time and loving on my teenage self.  And she desperately needed loving on.

Much like my five year old, teenagers have many questions that I simply can't answer for them.  Because at this point, they are old enough and mature enough to ask the big questions that even I am still figuring out and struggling through.  Because our faith is always something to be worked out.  I pray regularly that God would speak through me and use His words.  Because I am human and I never say all the right things and I know the power and weight that words can have for a young woman.  I want my words to be His words.

Often times, I find myself in this sacred space where they have offered me their hearts and I land somewhere between friend, youth leader, mother and used-to-be-teenager in my responses.  It almost feels like holy ground to sit in these places, as while I am offering hope to someone else, there is a measure of healing occurring in my own heart.

Back in January, I got to spend an entire weekend with my precious teen girls on our annual youth winter retreat.  I love, love, love the retreats.  Probably because I get more than two hours with them and instead get this up close and personal time of connection for almost three whole days.  They see what I look like without makeup and encounter me before my morning coffee.  And if you are a female, we all know that there is something about the vulnerability of being in your pajamas with people you don't know well, that instantly bonds you together.

The retreats seem to be the place where I get invited in to know more of who they are, what they're dreaming and fearing and questioning. 

And we may or may not sneak out of the cabin after curfew and have a middle of the night adventure together.  Though if that were true, what kind of youth leader would I be if I encouraged rule-breaking? 

But whether we are in pajamas, or it's 3am, or quiet moments by the river or at a picnic table, relationships are built and solidified.  Where they can see that I'm not simply their youth leader, but their friend.  And I care truly, deeply and sincerely about what is going on in their lives and hearts.  

I would propose that every teenager needs a grown-up friend.  And every grown-up needs a teenager friend.  My life and my heart would be significantly less.

One of my girls asked me that weekend, "So, am I like a person to you yet?  Do you see me for me, or do you see me as the younger sister of who used to be in your group?"

And I hoped my words reached out and hugged her as she heard them.  I told her she was SO a person to me.  And that I so dearly enjoy her for her.  She's not just someone's sister, she's precious to me.

She smiled back at me when I said all of that.  And I think she believed that I meant every word.

Youth Group

My high school years are full of memories I can vividly remember.  Like how I changed best friends eighteen times from Britney to Kelly to Courtney and then the Sarah’s.

There were a few Sarah's.

All of my time and babysitting money was spent on clunky shoes and bad chick-flicks and nights out at Chili’s where we pretended we were grown up and knew everything.  Those were the years I would obsess about guys and wonder what sex was like while sharing mozzarella sticks and Dr Peppers with my girlfriends.  I remember how Saturdays were devoted to shopping and scrapbooking, and the nights were for games of chicken feet and Ms. Senecal’s home-made popcorn and staying up late talking about God and theology and I would leave, head spinning.

High school was high school.  I was kind of a nobody and preferred it that way.  I didn’t want to draw attention to myself.  I wanted to be left alone and survive as I always seemed to find myself an easy target for the girl-bullies to pick on.  Every once in a while, the real me would peek outside of the shell I hid under - like when I wanted a role badly enough for a musical or when it felt safe to be me.   

And I always remember the disappointment that came when I wasn’t chosen to be Maria in West Side Story even though I’m still convinced to this day that Leonard Bernstein totally wrote that music just for me even though I’m in no way, shape or form Puerto Rican.

But most of my good memories from high school came from youth group.  It felt safe to be me there.  I could play games and sing on the worship team and be my loud, silly self.  I made girlfriends there who knew Jesus and encouraged me when I was hurting or down.  Our youth pastor was fun, and we always did fun things.  It kept me grounded when my world had been turned upside down.   

Youth group nights were my favorite nights of the week.  I couldn’t wait to get there and I didn’t want to leave.

Fifteen years later (for serious, how am I this old), I still go to youth group.  Granted, I’m a leader, and it’s a completely different church, but it’s still my favorite night of the week.  For the last year and a half I have been serving and ministering to and getting to know the teens of our church.  My friend Kat and I lead the junior/senior girls group and we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve challenged them and they’ve challenged us. 

Every once in a while I catch my teenage self in one of them.  I find myself in their tears about how they feel ugly or fat or stupid.  I find myself in the boy crazy ones who you have to force out of the bathroom every week because they’re taking selfies and working up the guts to talk to so-and-so that night.  I find myself in the quiet ones, the ones who are ashamed and are hiding something.  Each and every one of them remind me of the me I was.  They invite me to remember what I was needing at their age.  And every week I show up to be an ear, to be a voice, to share a story, to give a hug, to play and laugh, to remind them that they matter and that they are fiercely loved by God.  

And that this loud and still silly 30-something woman thinks they rock.  

In the last couple of weeks we have been honoring our Seniors, celebrating accomplishments and savoring moments before life changes and they head out to greater adventures.  It’s been bittersweet for me as I have been preparing for goodbyes and reflecting on my time with these precious girls I have come to know and dearly love.  

Perhaps I show up every Wednesday night hoping that my presence or my voice or words will have an impact – that God will use me in some way to show them more of Himself.  Yet, every week without fail, I would always leave feeling like I was the changed one.  I’ve left feeling humbled, challenged, and convicted.  These girls, these relationships I’ve been building over the course of the last couple of years, has stirred something in my heart.  God has been calling me to more, calling me to something greater.  I don’t know exactly what it means or what it looks like yet, I just know that I want more of this.

As summer is officially upon us, I am bracing for goodbyes and arranging the last of the get-togethers and game nights and hoping that they really believe I’m here if they need anyone to talk to.

I hope these girls can take away sweet memories of laughter and games and heartfelt teaching and remember their own youth group as fondly as I remember my own.  More than anything though, I hope that these graduated, now-adult people, will move on from high school youth group with a heart that wants to forever follow after Jesus.

Locked-In

Have you ever been locked into a huge building with 30 teenagers all night long?  It might look something like a never ending game of nine square....

  And a session of Catch Phrase at midnight.

  Youth group lock-ins mean a round of beach-ball relay....

And sucking down baby food peas....because this is simply what you do when you're in high school youth group.

 Some of my greatest memories from high school were from my times spent at youth group.  Playing games, singing with friends, doing Bible studies - just figuring out who I was and wanted to be.  My hope is to not only have impact as we sit and talk in small groups about the Word or our struggles or questions about our faith, but to be an example of a woman that lives and loves and plays.

Since last year I've been helping out with the youth group at our church.  I lead a small group with another gal my age for the Junior/Senior girls - and I love it.  Youth ministry is a place I definitely feel called to.

Especially when it means that blow up Sumo suits are nearby.....

And you get to watch this go down!

 I got to teach the kids one of my all-time favorite games from youth group called "Do you love your neighbor?"  A crazy game of running around and chair-stealing and neighbor-loving and many toe injuries from all of the chaos.  I felt like I was sixteen again.

 But then the creepy-in-the-middle-of-the-night games started and that's when my age and lack of sleep started to catch up to me and I remembered that I was so not sixteen anymore.

  I pooped out at around 1:30am - I did after all, have a baby and an almost four year old to tend to in the morning and needed something in me to wake up and be mommy in the morning.

 

All of it did make for an exciting Friday night.

 And next year, we will probably do it all over again!

What I'm learning from teenagers

A few months ago I decided to get outside of my little comfortable box of ministry and do something new.  For quite a few years now I've basically stuck to one thing.  And because of closed doors and changes that are out of my control, it felt like it was time to expand my heart and broaden my horizons and consider the possibility that God could use me and the healing that I've known in other places.

Todd and I recently made friends with the youth pastor and his wife at our church and he was eager to have us join his team. Though his eagerness may have had something to do with the ribs we made the night we had them over for dinner and wanting to seal the deal of getting in on some more in the future. (Is it true Nate?)

But, we jumped right in to youth ministry.  Teenagers.

While I feel comfortable in this place of ministry too, as I seem to easily make friends with young women their age, it can still be a bit intimidating. I find myself wanting to seem "cool" and I wonder if they will just think that I'm old and irrelevant.  Seventeen feels ages ago yet I somehow remember it well too. 

The past few weeks, we've talked about sex and relationships and friendships and where they struggle or land in those places.  I've had the opportunity to share pieces of my story and hear some of their own.  As I've both shared and listened, and even just observed these young ladies and all the youth around me, I've wondered if I'm the one doing more of the learning.

A few things I've picked up from them in the short time I've been a student ministry leader:

Listen to them more - talk less.  Much less.

There is always time for silly.

Crossed arms and hard faces soften when they begin to believe you truly care about them.

They REALLY want to talk to their parents.  But most of them feel like they can't.

Don't talk to them like children because they believe they're already grown up.

Dodgeball should be taken very seriously.

They want to hear real stories from adults - the ones where we messed up and made mistakes - so they don't feel lonely or horrible for what they've done themselves.  When we open up, they open up.

They are watching and listening to absolutely everything that the adults in their lives say and do and also what they don't say and don't do.  Absolutely everything.  This is especially important to take note of!

Apparently teen girls don't like saggy pants OR skinny jeans on guys.

There is a deep desire to know, understand and hear from God - but it feels hard and gets discouraging.

More freedom should always come with more responsibility.

 They crave consistency, relationship and attention even if they pretend to not care.

We only have ten years before Tommy enters teenagerdom, and only a few more years after that until our next child is right there with him.  I've heard so many parents say that raising a teenager is incredibly hard and challenging.  From observance, it tends to be the years that a lot of parent-child relationships begin falling apart because of some great disconnect.  It's not true for everyone, but it is common from what I've seen.  I'm sure that Todd and I will have our own share of hard and challenging when we face those years too with our kids, but I really hope I can remember what I've learned from the teens who have been teaching me now.  That ministering to their young hearts will somehow prepare me for my journey with having teenage children of my own.

When we first started attending our church, some of the first friends we made there had three daughters - two of them teens.  The oldest and I have developed quite a sweet friendship - I was even invited to go with her to get her first tattoo on her eighteenth birthday.  (For the record, her mom went too and the tattoo was totally allowed!)  We also went with her friends and family to her birthday dinner. 

Her friendship, as well as the others with the young ladies I've been getting to know, is a sweet reminder to me where I'm not "old and irrelevant."  But where I have impact and value to them, just as much as they do to me.