And then he turned six

We all know I love me some birthday parties.  Celebrating, parties, organizing get-togethers - it's my jam.  And when it's for my kids, there is no exception.  This year, there was no theme or over-the-top party.  But that didn't mean Tommy's sixth birthday went un-celebrated.

Also, can we pause for a moment and say SIX out loud and really slowly.  S-I-X.  How do I have a six year old?  Thanks to Facebook and sharing memories from years past now, I got several reminders of those first moments that we had our Tommy with us.  Those eight days he spent in the NICU, his tiny body covered in tubes and IV's.  Getting to bring him home and what an amazing baby he was.  And my precious baby is my six year old son now.

In ten years, he will be driving.  Oh, lawd.

His birthday kicked off with a small pizza party with some friends after church the Sunday before.  I made cupcakes (with Star Wars wrappers of course). 

On his birthday I put streamers outside of his door so he had to break through them to get out.  He requested a silly string wake up call like I had done on the last day of school, but streamers are far less messy.

 He woke up to Star Wars toys from us and then we were off to breakfast.

We met Oma and Opa for donuts where he got to open MORE Star Wars toys.

  Seriously, the dude owns all the Star Wars things ever.

And after our sugary breakfast, we spent the day at Six Flags Fiesta Texas.  It felt appropriate to take him there for the big six.

He rode rides and played games and we ate some really overpriced, mediocre food and paid $38 just to stay hydrated at the park in the hottest day we've yet in San Antonio.

Jacob went with us and did surprisingly well.  We also may or may not have bought a GIANT lollipop though to occupy him to buy some more time at the park.  But when we left, they were both pooped.

We ended the day at Alamo Cafe (his choice), which I was totally okay with, because queso.

I'm raising him right.

All in all, it was a great day.  We enjoyed being together as a family and celebrating our boy who keeps getting bigger and older and smarter.

Our Tommy is one of the sweetest and kindest hearts you will ever meet.  He is incredibly smart, curious and inquisitive.  He is logical and matter-of-fact and sees things very black and white, right or wrong.  Star Wars reigns supreme in his interests, but he also enjoys reading, playing Legos and listening to music.  He still invites us to play (usually saber fighting) and wants to snuggle and talk with me before bedtime.  He is an incredible kid, and I get to be his mama.

Happy Birthday to my big boy.  I love you so, so very much.

Be Quiet

Words don't always flow easily for the writer all of the time.  Sometimes beauty is hard to create through the written word.  Sometimes we are quiet. 

My heart feels grieved by all of the hatred and ugliness that seems to be flowing from everywhere.  Around the world, in our country, in debates about flags and gay marriage, in senseless acts of violence, in the toxicity of racism, in idiotic stories continually posted as truth on social media.  In Christians behaving like Pharisees and self-righteous assholes.  It's been hard to not become filled with hatred myself.  When I'm not wanting to tell people to shut the eff up, I mostly feel sad.  So, so sad.

I started the heavy duty medication for my RA.  I'm currently somewhere in between being okay with it, feeling very not okay with it, and feeling like some kind of failure.  It's amazing how this disease continues to invite me to shame and how willing I am to accept.

We have been going through a painful growing process ourselves as church-goers and Jesus-followers.  I briefly wrote about our church going through changes and after much wavering and sifting through feelings and losing most of our community, we have decided to stay where we are - only because really we feel as though God is asking us to.  It has been an emotionally exhausting experience and more than anything, I've realized how fragile and broken the church is.  And how desperately we all need Jesus.

Lately, I have been introspective about the idea of friendship and more specifically, the kind of friend I have showed up to be.  I've recognized how quickly I tend to write people off.  If I know you might bail, or move away, if you're too much like me, or not enough like me, or you're not available for me the way I want you to be, I stop pursuing any kind of closeness and quickly detach.  I have been unkindly picky and have been sitting in a puddle of my depravity as I look at what is true about my heart in those places.

And I've been living too.  Summer is in full swing and we have been grilling out and swimming and staying up late and memorizing Bible verses together as a family.  We have Tommy's birthday next week and a day trip to the beach planned with our friends next weekend.  Our vacation is two weeks away and Todd and I are so incredibly ready to have a break from normal life, even if it means traveling across the country with our boys.

But for the most part, my words are stuck.  They are stuck in the bullshit garbage of the hatred that is oozing out all over the place in our world right now.  They are stuck in complicated feelings over a disease I am having to accept that I have.  They are stuck in places we are growing and healing and ever changing. 

Maybe sometimes though, it's okay for them to be stuck.  Sometimes it's okay to just be quiet.