I can remember at the start of every school year that life felt like it was full of potential and possibility. With a new semester beginning, I had crispy new school supplies, a fresh closet of trendy new things to wear, new teachers that made me feel inspired to come to class, and the opportunity to really apply myself and get some kick-ass grades. I could forget about everything I felt at home and focus on something else.
Every school year began that way, and it didn't take long for the potential and possibility of what I had hoped things could look like to dwindle away through circumstance and disappointment.
Inevitably, the friends I had hoped to make didn't come along, my "cool" clothes weren't enough to usher me in to the popular crowd, my classes became boring and stale, and my grades were average. I often feel sad at all that I missed out on during my school years because of how I felt about myself and just my outlook on life in general. Sometimes I wish I could just go hug my teenage self, take her out for some coffee and tell her that in the end, everything was really going to be okay. I think I maybe needed to hear that then.
But I digress.
I think for most of my life I've spent it believing that I had no real potential to amount to anything and that my possibilities were limited. I've lived small here. I've put myself in to this tiny box and surrendered to how things were and accepted defeat for anything that felt big to dream or hope for. I think maybe I didn't even know how to find potential or possibility within myself much less in life.
And now, this way of thinking doesn't feel like me anymore. I have found certain things around me to feel unnatural almost. Like the Texas flag in my dining room - it feels tired and blah and I'm ready to move on to something different. I have a major decorating itch, partially because of Pinterest, and partially because I'm just ready to breathe some new life into my home because it needs it. I've also found myself thinking about my singing and writing and what would happen if I believed I had real potential and real possibility at both of those things.
My friend Jenni announced this morning that she was going to start selling her photos on Etsy. She's learned that she has a passion for photography - she saw her potential for what she could do and the possibilities are endless. Reading about her ventures this morning left me absolutely inspired.
I suppose one of my biggest frustrations at the moment is with my body. I feel as though I'm waiting for it to catch up to what has been metamorphosed in my heart and it feels like it's taking light years for my body to show noticeable results. I think I fear that people won't take me seriously or won't really believe that some great, unnameable change has happened inside of me if it's not manifested in some great amount of weight loss. And then I get irritated that I'm still seeking validation from other people in order to believe that what I feel inside is really real. I guess I'm afraid that others will stop believing in my potential and possibility and I will once again allow that to define me. I'm still learning how to NOT give others that kind of power...
There are other things though, outside of my mind and body and heart that have potential and possibility.
Last year, we made over our dining room table and buffet. We stripped them down and painted them a pretty reddish brown. It looks crisp, clean and more modern than the natural oak. It felt more "me."
I've been (quite literally) making notes about some other little improvements and make-overs I'd like to do around the house when we have the money to do them of course. Which includes retiring the Texas flag. I'm also looking at what I already have and am curious how things could be rearranged or repurposed. I'm even contemplating what it would be like to paint our kitchen cabinets....I guess I'm starting to see the potential and possibility not only in myself, but in my surroundings.
Potential and possibility are what drives us to try new things. Like a new recipe I tried out last week. Chicken and cheese lasagna roll-ups. Which I put my own spin on of course....
Potential and possibility are one of the driving forces behind the changes I've made for myself too. My pile of clothes reminds me that it is quite possible for me to keep going and that this pile will eventually get even bigger.
Potential and possibility inspire Todd and I to keep hoping and dreaming for what our life together will look like. Another baby, our dream home, more sex, running a bed and breakfast, taking a vacation....
Life feels a little more fuller, a little richer and much more exciting when looking through the lens of potential and possibility.