Tears

I sang on worship team today and cried when we sang "It is well." It's kind of my favorite hymn ever, and because my heart felt so tender already, it felt even more meaningful than usual. And I decided it was okay that the congregation saw my tears.

The pastor spoke of hope today. I needed the words he had and I was grateful I didn't let the fact that Todd had to work today keep me from going to church alone. I cried through the last twenty minutes of his sermon.

I met Ellen in the hallway after service and more tears spilled out. The tears that I carefully contain inside of me until someone like her has the kind of eyes that when they ask how you are, you really tell them because they really want to know. "Your tears are a gift Jenn." She always tells me that. And I always appreciate the reminder.

When Paula hugged me and we made plans for coffee tomorrow, I cried because of how eager and excited she was in wanting to spend time with me.

My cousin's boyfriend said goodbye to Tommy and threw him up in the air, and it kind of felt like watching what "could be" between the two of them someday. I felt happy and sad and overwhelmed all at the same time. And I didn't want them to see me crying, so I held them back and swallowed them whole.

I got tired of crying and went for a "run" on the hill. It felt good to feel a burn in my legs and muscles rather than what had been aching in my heart all day long. But then the run was over and I cried on the drive home.

Todd and I talked about our anger tonight and how different mine looks from his. And I cried when I told him I was sorry for how nasty I could be.

Grammy and I talked on the phone tonight. I told her about how awesome church was and where I was needing prayer and encouragement. I gave her my tears even though she couldn't see them.

One of my oldest and dearest friends gave birth to their baby boy tonight - their second child. And they are fine and healthy and doing fabulously. And I cried and I'm not really sure why.

Today was the kind of day that needed a magnitude of tears.