April 29, 2013

On the edge

This still feels weird.  To be in my pajamas at 9:00am and not sitting in an office after an hour's drive in traffic.  Sipping my coffee in a mug and planning tonight's dinner instead of replying to e-mails and checking bank balances.  Already this morning, I've fed a baby and put him back to sleep, tripped over trucks and asked Tommy to play his guitar just a little softer until the caffeine kicks in and almost missed the feeling of the usual daunting Monday morning meeting. 

All of this is wonderful, and all of it is weird too.  I'm not used to it - even though I've been at this for weeks now.  Even though this was going to be the game-plan and my role should we have moved away to North Dakota like we had planned. 

I have a job interview this afternoon.  I confess that every fiber in my being is aching to return to work, and it's easy to recognize where I've grown antsy in my job search.  Living in this in-between space has me a bit restless.  Knowing that I need a job and it taking much longer than I had anticipated to find one, has me a bit on edge.  Not worried necessarily, just anxious to get there and get started - wherever there is.

I'm not sleeping well and I'm longing for days to fly by so I can get through this middle place of life I'm living in right now.  And I don't want to live this way where I'm wishing away time and my life because that's not really living.  The in-between places have always done that to me - made me and my thoughts a bit chaotic and had me trying to speed up time somehow.  And it's funny, because I feel mostly at peace.  I'm not freaking out about money like I ordinarily might be (at least not yet).  But I guess I just want to know what the routine will be.  What's next?  When will I be out of the middle, in-between stage?

Perhaps it's normal to long for predictability and consistency.  I think we need a healthy measure of it and creating those things is good for our children.  But maybe I make it an idol too.  It's in predictability and consistency that I often try and control every aspect of my life.  Right down to the penny or the minute or the finest detail.  It's the place I most often refuse to trust God and instead put all of my trust in me and making things work to the best of my own ability.

The last few months though, life has been lived on the edge.  It has been anything but predictable or consistent.  And honestly, I have enjoyed this wild ride.  It brought me to life and changed something in my heart.  It seems as though God has used all of the unknown places to change me and to draw me closer to Him.  He has taken my faith to deeper places.  Places that we couldn't have gone together had life not been so up in the air.  If there weren't so many huge things to trust Him with.

I don't believe He will have me living in this specific in-between place forever.  A job will come, a routine will happen again and our family will be in its own unique groove.  We will make life work and function well for us just as you do with yours. 

But I want to remain on the edge somewhat too.  I want to remember that these middle places we find ourselves in life when things are unsettled, unanswered, and left up in the air - they are a gift.  Life is full of adventure and intrigue.  Walking by faith becomes more of a literal thing you do on a daily basis rather than some fluffy thing Christians say.  

I want to remember that being on the edge, finding myself stuck in this middle place, living in the tension - it's here that He invites us to know Him.  And to live.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. You are such a writer. You truly have a gift.

    When are you writing your first book? :)

    I hope that you will find a job you enjoy very soon and that you'll enjoy the in between in the meantime. You are right. Wishing that time will rush by is no way to really live.