May 19, 2011


Nothing makes me want to eat more than when I am feeling worrisome - especially over money troubles. In the past it has been a pattern of mine to camp out in front of some television show and just eat everything I could get my hands on until my stomach hurt. It's gross to admit that publicly, but it's true.

Last night I made dinner. I also made a small pan of brownies because I was craving chocolate and wanted something sweet. So, I ate my meal. I shared a brownie with Tommy. I did my work-out and even added five minutes on to it. I didn't check out. I didn't over eat. I didn't eat an entire pan of brownies - which is something I could have done in the past. I nourished my body. I enjoyed a treat. I was kind to my body. I took care of myself even in my disappointment and worry.

And after Tommy was in bed and I had done my exercise and taken a shower, I let myself do some things.

I let myself cry.

I let myself feel alone.

I let myself listen to the silence and the quiet and the absence of my husband who I am missing.

I let myself feel the pain of knowing that it's going to still feel like this on at least a month's more worth of weeknights and weekends.

I let myself feel my disappointment.

I let myself question God.

I asked Him if He was punishing me or punishing us for foolish decisions. My heart knew the answer was "no," and I let the truth of that sink in.

I asked Him if He still had us, and if He still had me in this. To which He immediately replied, "Yes. I've got you. I AM."

I know God doesn't speak out loud to us, but He spoke it to my heart and I received it. And maybe that sounds weird, but I know when God is speaking to my heart.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, Todd and I were talking about the day ahead. We were having the bit of conversation that is allotted for a Thursday.

I told him how lousy I felt for powering up and trying to control the situation and what I felt guilty over. I told him how I wish I could see my body change more for all of the work I am putting in. And he gave me words of encouragement. He told me how he has seen me change. He told me that he experienced me responding differently to a very familiar situation for us. And he beamed with love for me as he told me he was proud of me. It felt good to be seen by him where I have made progress and haven't recognized it for myself. It felt glorious to know that he was witnessing a change in me. Changes that I can only get a tiny glimpse of in the mirror every day, in a smaller bra or in slightly looser pants. He sees something more.

And I guess I feel the need to document his words because they feel more tangible or true when they're written out.

I am feeling myself relax a bit.

Maybe because I'm starting to let go of some things. Maybe because trusting God is coming a little bit more naturally and with less of a fight than it used to. Maybe because I am finally letting myself feel my emotions rather than numbing them with addiction. Maybe because it feels comforting that even if no one else sees, Todd sees me and I am putting less and less value on others' opinions of my body or my life.

I'm sure it's a bit of all of those things that is enabling me to relax a bit. Either way, I'm breathing again. I made it through worry mode with minimal damage to myself and others and I'm still alive and fighting. That in itself feels like a giant, huge victory.

His words remain with me. "Yes. I've got you. I AM."


  1. That's a good man you've got there. I think what you need to do is, every time you start to beat yourself up over a bad little decision, congratulate yourself on having made an excellent big decision in having picked Todd.

  2. Miss you friend - I still check your blog almost on a daily basis - I'm no longer on facebook...haven't been for 4 months now and probably won't go back.

    Always love reading about your heart.

    Thinking of you today :)


  3. AnonymousMay 19, 2011

    Again I will say I have noticed and am proud of you and that you are choosing to feel..and yes HE is who HE is and HE will always be there for you my dragon slayer!!!!

  4. oooooohhhh, this is so lovely! todd sees you. :) and God has you :) and everything that you said just leaves me in weepy smiles. i love you and i love that the change in you runs deeper.
    i cant remember, but you said something was weird- i thought, no its not. so there.