Nothing makes me want to eat more than when I am feeling worrisome - especially over money troubles. In the past it has been a pattern of mine to camp out in front of some television show and just eat everything I could get my hands on until my stomach hurt. It's gross to admit that publicly, but it's true.
Last night I made dinner. I also made a small pan of brownies because I was craving chocolate and wanted something sweet. So, I ate my meal. I shared a brownie with Tommy. I did my work-out and even added five minutes on to it. I didn't check out. I didn't over eat. I didn't eat an entire pan of brownies - which is something I could have done in the past. I nourished my body. I enjoyed a treat. I was kind to my body. I took care of myself even in my disappointment and worry.
And after Tommy was in bed and I had done my exercise and taken a shower, I let myself do some things.
I let myself cry.
I let myself feel alone.
I let myself listen to the silence and the quiet and the absence of my husband who I am missing.
I let myself feel the pain of knowing that it's going to still feel like this on at least a month's more worth of weeknights and weekends.
I let myself feel my disappointment.
I let myself question God.
I asked Him if He was punishing me or punishing us for foolish decisions. My heart knew the answer was "no," and I let the truth of that sink in.
I asked Him if He still had us, and if He still had me in this. To which He immediately replied, "Yes. I've got you. I AM."
I know God doesn't speak out loud to us, but He spoke it to my heart and I received it. And maybe that sounds weird, but I know when God is speaking to my heart.
This morning as I was getting ready for work, Todd and I were talking about the day ahead. We were having the bit of conversation that is allotted for a Thursday.
I told him how lousy I felt for powering up and trying to control the situation and what I felt guilty over. I told him how I wish I could see my body change more for all of the work I am putting in. And he gave me words of encouragement. He told me how he has seen me change. He told me that he experienced me responding differently to a very familiar situation for us. And he beamed with love for me as he told me he was proud of me. It felt good to be seen by him where I have made progress and haven't recognized it for myself. It felt glorious to know that he was witnessing a change in me. Changes that I can only get a tiny glimpse of in the mirror every day, in a smaller bra or in slightly looser pants. He sees something more.
And I guess I feel the need to document his words because they feel more tangible or true when they're written out.
I am feeling myself relax a bit.
Maybe because I'm starting to let go of some things. Maybe because trusting God is coming a little bit more naturally and with less of a fight than it used to. Maybe because I am finally letting myself feel my emotions rather than numbing them with addiction. Maybe because it feels comforting that even if no one else sees, Todd sees me and I am putting less and less value on others' opinions of my body or my life.
I'm sure it's a bit of all of those things that is enabling me to relax a bit. Either way, I'm breathing again. I made it through worry mode with minimal damage to myself and others and I'm still alive and fighting. That in itself feels like a giant, huge victory.
His words remain with me. "Yes. I've got you. I AM."