One thing I took home from The Journey was seeing how I manage my heartache through control. That realization made me physically nauseous because it shows up in so many areas of my life. In all of the places I am seeking to control, what I am actually doing is pushing down feelings that I simply don't want to feel - my heartache or pain.
Control sounds like a good thing, but I'm not so sure it is. Control is often associated with independence, power, and toughness. Yet I see where I was created for dependence on God. I was created to need. I need to depend on others and more importantly God, for love, provision, and peace. Powering-up damages others I am in relationship with. And there is a definite difference between having strength and being tough. Strength is manifested through God at work in me. Toughness is manufactured of my own energy and is cold, unfeeling and abrasive.
I guess control is never really a good thing. It distances me from others because controlling tells others that I don't need anything you have to offer me. It distances me from God because I tell him that I can handle things on my own. It's bad for my body and mind because I can't rest. I can make myself sick and then I take out how I am feeling inside on other people.
Control only pushes. Control is gross.
Today I am feeling the devastation of disappointment. I am feeling the the boiling over anger of frustration. And because of it, I am trying to regain control in my out-of-control world. I am powering-up. I am telling God and others that I'm tough. I can take this, I can handle it, just leave me alone. It's a very lonely place to be. And control creates plenty of room for loneliness.
In short, we're not sure if Todd is going to be able to quit the part-time job after all come June. We might have to wait a little bit longer. And while it's not definite, I am finding myself spinning again, creating chaos and pushing others I love away (mostly my husband), in the midst of my disappointments.
That's what managing my heartache is looking like.
The only thing left to do is sit in my disappointments and be present in them. And cry out to God for what I need in the midst of how I am feeling.
I refuse to numb out. I refuse to turn back to ways that provide a false sense of comfort and in turn hurt my heart and my body. I refuse to let my joy be robbed of me today. I know that in my heartache, I can remain full of joy. And it doesn't fix our situation and it doesn't make me feel better, but it's where I am supposed to be. Alive, feeling, and present.