The last couple of months of life have felt celebratory for me. In describing it to other people the only way I knew how was to say that it has felt like all of my insides felt clean and brand new because the inside of my body feels so different.
Perhaps the only words accurate enough to describe what has happened for me are freedom and healing. I am free from some of the things in my past and have been set free to do things - like dance and write or just be myself and actually be okay with that. And I feel like the deepest parts of my soul have found much needed healing. Like I was allowed to finally drink water and come to life after years of being dry and parched and stuck in some horrible drought.
And I guess I thought I was going to get to stay in this place for a long time. It seems only fair. I've spent years where life just felt dark and sad and this magnitude of sorrow was always just sitting with me and on top of me. And those things are still there, but I guess I just deal with them differently than I used to and they are now only a part me and my life and not all of me. I don't feel consumed by past or my grief the way that I was and it's allowed me to breathe and just live my life the way I've always wanted to.
This is the first summer that I've actually enjoyed myself in more years than I can remember. I've played and swam and danced and laughed. I've worn a party dress and a bathing suit and sported a tan. Even though the heat can be literally oppressive here sometimes, it hasn't bothered me. I have welcomed the warmth and bright sunshine because my heart has felt bright and warm. The summer has reminded me that there is a time to play and rejoice and celebrate. And it has felt good to be in a season of life that has actually looked like that for once as an adult.
But there has been this shift that has been brewing inside of my soul. It's like I've been able to observe something from the distance that was happening and it's completely out of my control. And it's different than some storm or trial that is headed my way. It's a new place I am being invited to live. And I'm scared only because I don't know if I can really live here the way that I have been these last few months. This is different. So much different.
My tendency as I've seen this celebration season of my life come to an end all too soon is to want to get angry at God. Yet, there has been something new that has developed there and I haven't been able to be angry with Him like I used to could have so easily. Instead my first inclination has been to cry out and ask for help. I'm wanting to remain close and remain near, because I can remember what this same place looked like years ago and I made the choice to have a go without Him.
To be honest, it's felt tempting to want to go back down a path I've already been. I know that it's at least survivable. I know what it offers, and the counterfeit for what I long for still seems like it's better than nothing. I know what will happen to me if I go that way. And evil keeps whispering that God will betray me like He has before. It's felt hard, very hard, to turn the other way.
I'm sure none of this makes sense. It's hard to describe what's going on without actually saying it. And of course, I don't want to. Those things are private and personal and a bit too transparent for this particular forum. So here I am writing something to document this huge shift that is occurring in my heart.
All this to say, I feel like I am entering the wilderness. I am being called to live, to hope, to dream, to love, to dance, to sing - to do all of the things I've been set free to do, but to do them in a different place. The wilderness -a lonely and desolate place, where finding life and living life comes with a great cost and much difficulty.
I don't know why exactly. I don't know for how long. I don't understand any of it really. It's just clear to me that this is where I am being called to live for now.