Loneliness seems to have a way of creeping in unexpectedly. And I wonder why I'm even feeling that way when my calendar is booked and I have 380-something "friends" on Facebook.
How can I feel lonely when I feel closer with my family? Or when I have lunch with a friend today, plans to visit with another tomorrow on my day off and will be helping a friend with her cupcake business on Saturday? How is there even room to feel lonely? It begs the question, "What is wrong with me?!"
It seems like in all of the activity it feels weird to feel lonely, and yet loneliness comes. I have no control over it. It's that ache for something greater or something more that is beyond my control. It goes beyond making plans. It's just there - a void, a hole, begging to be filled with something.
These feelings are familiar though. They remind me of other seasons of life. Like being a young teenager who felt alone and betrayed, confused and silent. Or as a young adult woman who lived with her grandmother and spent every night watching television because she had nothing to do and no one to do it with. Or being a new mom and having to stay home to care for my baby when everyone else was at a party.
The loneliness is many things I suppose. It's the pangs of missing my mom. It's the wanting more in my marriage. It's the friends that have moved away that have left holes in my heart and my life. It's the longing to hold another baby in my arms and feeling like it won't ever happen. It's the knowing deep down that relationships here will not bring me the kind of fulfillment I'm looking for.
Perhaps loneliness comes with every season of life. Maybe it's supposed to.
It's December 1st. It's Christmas season. I'm finishing up Christmas cards and starting to shop for gifts and planning parties....and I'm a little lonely too.