Loneliness seems to have a way of creeping in unexpectedly. And I wonder why I'm even feeling that way when my calendar is booked and I have 380-something "friends" on Facebook.
How can I feel lonely when I feel closer with my family? Or when I have lunch with a friend today, plans to visit with another tomorrow on my day off and will be helping a friend with her cupcake business on Saturday? How is there even room to feel lonely? It begs the question, "What is wrong with me?!"
It seems like in all of the activity it feels weird to feel lonely, and yet loneliness comes. I have no control over it. It's that ache for something greater or something more that is beyond my control. It goes beyond making plans. It's just there - a void, a hole, begging to be filled with something.
These feelings are familiar though. They remind me of other seasons of life. Like being a young teenager who felt alone and betrayed, confused and silent. Or as a young adult woman who lived with her grandmother and spent every night watching television because she had nothing to do and no one to do it with. Or being a new mom and having to stay home to care for my baby when everyone else was at a party.
The loneliness is many things I suppose. It's the pangs of missing my mom. It's the wanting more in my marriage. It's the friends that have moved away that have left holes in my heart and my life. It's the longing to hold another baby in my arms and feeling like it won't ever happen. It's the knowing deep down that relationships here will not bring me the kind of fulfillment I'm looking for.
Perhaps loneliness comes with every season of life. Maybe it's supposed to.
It's December 1st. It's Christmas season. I'm finishing up Christmas cards and starting to shop for gifts and planning parties....and I'm a little lonely too.
Oh Jennifer, I can so relate to what you are feeling. I am a lot older than you so I have walked in your shoes and it wasn't until I finally realized that nothing or anyone can fill that void except Jesus did I really begin to let go of what I thought I wanted or needed. I am reading a wonderful book right now called "Let Go" by Sheila Walsh. It is life changing. When we let Him in all the way....things change...maybe not circumstances...but we change. Don't give Satan a crack to sneak through because He will. Play worship music, dance for Him. I'm not saying these things still won't hurt but He will help you find your way.
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I also forgot to add that Christmas brings loneliness for a lot of people because it's not always what the commercials or the movies show. Our expectations are so high and then when they aren't fulfilled, we get let down.
ReplyDeleteI was feeling a little lonely too the other day...I think we can ALL feel lonely especially because no one except "you" is feeling exactly the way that you are, and therefore no one else can completely relate, you know? Praying for you sweet friend!!
ReplyDeleteJennifer,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you this afternoon. Like other commenters have said, I really relate to this. I actually had a moment the other night that you reminded me of. I may have to do a post about it.
I sometimes wonder if our loneliness comes from a deep inner longing for heaven where there is NO MORE LONELY. I can't imagine such a peace but I long for it.
Hope you're doing okay.
I have felt those feelings as well...it is hard not to just hole up and keep away from everything and everyone.. I guess we will have to endure those feelings until Christ comes for us. You are not alone!
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