Restless

Restless.

I am ready and wanting for change.  Wanting to feel unstuck.

Wishing for less and for more.

Feeling blessed and I see the abundance I've been given.  Yet, I'm discontent at the same time.  How can this be?

I'm thankful for the eyes I've been given to see the real, the hidden, the unspoken.  It's both a burden and a gift.

Being seen allowed me to see.  It brought me to life.  It called me to more.
It stirred the places in my heart that I thought had been lost forever.

Ideas, passion, calling, inspiration, more.
I hear these groanings of my true self trying to get out, break free, and be.
The writer, the artist, the singer, the creator, the beauty-maker.

All of who I could have been - she is still there. 

Dreams.  They feel like foolish, silly, pointless dreams.
I pause, I hesitate.  I stop.
Fear keeps me from dreaming. 

Any dream I was ever brave enough to dream has stayed merely that.  A dream.
Could they ever be anything that becomes? 

And dreams....they feel like a pathway to failure.
I'm scared of failure.  Of being defined by it.

I am left with questions.  Haunted by regrets.  Taunted by my past.
Those are the things that make me lose sight of Him.  Of who I really am.
Who He created me to be.

I seem to be always standing still.  Watching everything go by while I remain motionless.  I see where I want to go, but I can never seem to get going or get there.  All of it feels so out of reach.

And then there's joy.  It comes, it's always there underneath everything I keep striving for.  It takes me by surprise.  It comes from somewhere deep in my heart where I keep holding on to hope.

The hope that made me see.
The hope that invites me to dream.
The hope that brought forth joy.

Joy springs out of me and there is always enough.
There is joy in my longing.  In my deep yearning for more.
The joy is my strength and my song.  It gets me through these restless days.

I've seen the dawn.  I've seen the promise of more on my horizon.
I know it's coming and it has been coming.  I've felt it.

But still.  I am restless.

And waiting.  Always waiting.