No real place to land

I panicked on the highway this morning because the van behind me looked like it wasn't going to stop in time and instead would hit me.  Thankfully it didn't, but I've noticed where I've been extra cautious and extra on-edge since the accident anytime I'm in the car.

I have found myself feeling envious of my cousin who just got married.  I keep thinking how new everything is for them and remembering what it was like to bake my first batch of cookies on fresh baking pans.  And when the toaster was shiny and just out of the box and our checkbook was thick because we were gifted with so much.  For some reason I feel more sad than any other emotion that the newness has worn off in our marriage.  We are somewhat broke and comfortable and though we love and communicate and live with more depth together, there is something in me that wishes we could go back to the newness and enjoy what we didn't get to then.  

I'm at the point where I stand in front of the mirror and try not to cry every day that I get ready.  Because I'm somewhere between looking like I usually do and feeling one thousand pounds heavier and no would know I was pregnant unless I told them and having some kind of belly bulge that could maybe be pregnant-ish. 

I may have made some kind of vow or promise to myself that I wouldn't be this size and pregnant again.  And even though I was on my way down this year, I am still very much the same size and pregnant again.  And it's hard.  I'm fighting all-too familiar feelings of wanting to hide and isolate and disappear because I'm ashamed.  And oh, is it March already?

I'm a little sad and a little jealous that Todd is home for two straight weeks using some vacation time while I'll be working every day.  And it's poking at all of the places where I feel worried and discontent and wondering if things will ever change.

It seems like I've been feeling a LOT lately.  As if I'm extra triggered by events or small-life things and it sends me to places where I find myself questioning God or my identity or what is true - and way more than usual.  For the first time in a long time it feels like I have no one to really talk to.  And as I was thinking about this in the shower today, I started to wonder if it's because I've created that environment amongst my friends - especially my newer friends.  Where I'm the friend they come to and talk to and vent to and cry to - but I don't have a friend like that for myself.  I feel like I'm running out of room to contain all that I am, and I simply don't know what to do about it.  But my heart is aching and I just need someone to listen to it for a while.

So it should come as no surprise that once again, even with a marriage that has been on the mend and being pregnant with our second baby and having numerous new friends, that I still feel lonely.  And I hate how it seems I have no control over my loneliness.

I medicated this over the weekend by getting a few new scarves and a couple pairs of flats because shopping and getting something for myself that I can wear regardless of whether or not I'm pregnant makes me feel better.  Or at least it did in the moment.  I'm wearing neither a new scarf or a new pair of flats today because it's going to be 90 degrees today which means sleeveless shirts and flip-flops.

None of any of this has any real point I suppose.  It's been days since I've written and I can never really write when I don't feel like me.  Or the me that I like anyway.  I'm the version of myself that I'm quick to judge and hate and criticize.  It's very hard to find kindness for this me.

And that's all for this Tuesday.  Too deep thoughts, with no real place to land.  And a heart that needs to be held and heard for a while....