Life got just plain nasty starting late Thursday night. After a middle-of-the-night feeding, Jacob threw up an entire bottle all over himself just as he was ready to go back to sleep. I proceeded to give him a bath and then he peed all over me and it was in that moment that I completely broke and cried the ugly kind of tears that produce an epic amount of snot and huge puffy eyes.
I've had countless offers of people asking how they could help or be there for me. But what I've found is what I really need is someone there in the dark of the night when throw up and pee is more than my exhausted self can handle. What I really need is my man, my partner, my co-lifer. We get through hard things together. And the one thing I really need, I can't have.
In the middle of my ugly cry that night, I did what any rational woman who's husband is states away would do...I called him up at 4:00am and chewed him out about how awful I had it without him and how pissed off I was that I had to be doing this. And then I hung up on him and proceeded to the toilet where I threw up. (Random fact about me: I get sick to my stomach when I cry too hard).
Is everyone grossed out yet by all the vomit and pee? Welcome to my world!
It was rough. And it got even rougher, because the exact same thing happened the very next night too. Another round of Jacob throwing up his bottle, another bath, more pee...you get the picture.
Friday night I found myself on the back deck of my friend's house bawling my eyes out. She asked what I needed but to be honest, I didn't even know. Other than just to be there dumping out my crap and having her sit in it with me - that's what the best of friends do really. They just hear your shitty stories and don't offer to do anything or put a positive spin on it about some amazing thing God must have in store for you. They just listen and let you bitch about it, because that's exactly what you need.
And sometimes a few cuss words is what you need too, because they emphasize the crappiness in which you find yourself and kind of, sort of make you feel better. Just saying.
I captured a picture the other night of my living room. Since it's under contract, I haven't had to keep it clean (thank Jesus!) so Tommy's playtime chaos is littered everywhere. By Saturday night I felt like life had kicked me in the ass. Because it totally had.
Saturday night though, I reached out and asked a few close friends to pray for me. Pray that Jacob would sleep and that we could have a throw-up free night. Pray that I could pull us all together and make it to church in the morning because my heart really, really needed the worship and the fellowship. And to let them know that I felt like I was sinking right now. All of this feels like more than I can handle, and even though God promises not to give us that, I've been pretty convinced He's gotten this wrong. This is SO much more than I can handle.
Thankfully, we had an okay night and me and both boys made it to church this morning. And as God would have it, every song was exactly what I needed. Even though I was sitting down with a bottle in my baby's mouth, I sat there and cried and let myself worship and breathe. My dear friend and like-a-brother, who we have affectionately named "Uncle Nate," preached the sermon this morning. Once again, God used him to drive home the message I know He is wanting me to remember in this season of overwhelming difficulty. I AM WITH YOU.
After lunch with friends today I decided what I needed was a break. I dropped off Jacob with my in-laws and Tommy and I went out to my favorite "me" spot for some adventure and exploring at the hill. As I walked down the trails I asked God if He could find me a place like this in North Dakota.
At the moment, Jacob is asleep in his bed and just being able to sit here and write in the peace and quiet, I'm aware of where my heart feels settled and nourished. It's amazing how some music and a sermon, a burger with friends, an afternoon spent outside and lightening my children load, all can add up to somehow settling my soul down a bit.