April 4, 2013

The anger

It came last night.  Finally. 

After the boxes of our half-way packed house were stacked in the garage and tears were cried about how dreadful winter is and after I'd given five hundred stale answers to people asking about our "timeline" for the move and Todd's job and how much I'm enjoying (or not enjoying?) my new role as a stay-at-home mom. 

The anger.  Raging, ugly, writhing anger.  It came.

It's not fair.  It doesn't feel good.  To finally have my husband in a job where he feels happy and proud of himself and has a real career.  He is so full of life and vigor and excitement about the possibilities that are ahead of us there.  I even have the choice to stay at home more with my boys.  But.  BUT. 

For me though, I have to give up so much to have these other things.  I have to leave my beautiful home and my entire family.  I have to say goodbye to the most wonderful, real, fun group of friends - a community of couples and families that Todd and I had always hoped to have.  Our amazing church.  Texas wildflowers, the beach only a drive away.  Good barbecue and Mexican food, a culture that I know and understand - one that has shaped me. 

Deep down, I know it will be worth it.  That after a period of grieving is over, that we will settle into life there and at some point (hopefully) North Dakota and all of it's winter, will feel like home.  I know it's where God is leading us to - I have absolutely no doubt.  And maybe that's why I feel angry.  His plan feels clear, it's just that I'm not entirely on board and why can't His plan ever, ever look like mine? 

This would have felt easier a few years ago.  If North Dakota would have happened before Tommy or before we found our church or before a thousand other things.  The cost wouldn't have been as great then as it is now.

Saturday night when my realtor called with the "good news" on our house I burst into tears.  It was so fast and it felt clear that God was ready to really move us.  When my friend Nate asked me how I felt, I initially said that I didn't know how I felt.  And then suddenly, I burst into tears and blurted out what was raw and real for me.  "I don't want to go!"

And that's true.  I don't.  And what is also true is that I do.  I'm ready for new, for adventure, and for starting from scratch in life.  But as ready as I feel, I feel just as not ready too.

I'm feeling stretched and unearthed.  I feel as if I'm being literally being dug up and uprooted and I'm not so sure how I feel about where I'm being transplanted.  Did He heal me and grow me and prepare me and make me for this?  North Dakota has been on His mind all along?  Am I really ready for this?  Will I be okay?  Those are the places I'm doubting Him - maybe I need more "work" before I can take this on.

I'm just going to say what I'm not supposed to say:

I am the most angry because it feels like Todd gets the better end of this deal.  He gets the place he has always wanted to live, the new job, and us there with him.  And I get to leave almost everything that I love the most. 

I told him this last night - we talk about honest things and where my heart is at.  He gets it and he understands and he is able to hold my anger and grief without buckling under the weight of it.  But, he holds his own pockets of fear too, wondering if I'll resent him for all of this change later on down the road.  He is aware of how great my love must be for him to do this and walk away from our life here. 

And maybe I just wrote out what you're not supposed to say.  The ugly things that are really inside of my heart that I might typically hide.  But it's true.  I feel jipped. 

I know I won't always feel that way.  But today I do.  Today I feel jipped.  Today I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick on all of this.  Today, I am angry.