It seems as though walking with Jesus isn't always this big, wild adventure. It isn't always huge stories with a big show-offy miraculous turn of events like our North Dakota saga from this year. More often than not, it's like any other relationship. A series of quiet events and conversations and the everyday regularness.
I am finding myself in familiar places. Feeling tired, weary and discouraged and seeing myself back in the places where I'm trying to control and manage and figure things out because it's what I do and how I make my life work. It's in these moments I wonder why He's just not done with me. Why He doesn't shake His head in frustration wondering why I haven't gotten it and shame me for still not trusting His heart fully and completely.
Perhaps I will always be a fighter and I love that He lets me fight Him. He lets me wrestle and toil and spin even though He knows His way is best and eventually I will be in agreement with that. I wonder if maybe I will always be the kind of person who has to try everything my own way before going His. Maybe I will always be pushing back until the point of exhaustion and I finally surrender to what He has for me.
And I thought I was trusting. Maybe even resting in something.
But it hit me like a ton of bricks today that trust is far from my heart. And the trusting Him - the things He wants me to trust Him with - they get bigger and bigger every single time. I guess I'm left wondering what will come from all of this stretching. I'm always afraid of what I could lose in the process rather than what could be expanded in my heart.
Here I am. Different day, different year, different set of circumstances - same invitation.
Will you trust me? And can you trust me if you don't see?