Before midnight though, we remembered the year behind us. Interestingly enough, the best and worst moments of the year for the both of us were the same.
The highlight of the year was how Todd arrived at the hospital just a half hour before Jacob was born - that God brought him home in time for the birth of our son. Even in the moment, we marveled at the miracle of His timing. How He was in to the details and He wasn't late. Watching God come through like that - to give us that memory even though we prepared not to have it - was the biggest gift.
The hardest moment that 2013 brought was leaving North Dakota and closing the door on what we thought was going to be this life-changing thing for us. And I suppose our lives were still changed even in not moving, but the disappointment from that has shaken us. Honestly, I think we are both still recovering from what we lost. It's funny though because it was our decision to stay here in Texas, yet it still feels like a loss, as if something died. I second guess our decision all of the time, but Todd remains strong in his certainty. Even still, our hearts broke this year - in different ways for the both of us.
We reflected how we just coasted through the year. How Jacob has changed the dynamic of our family and life together, what has felt hard and what's been overwhelmingly rewarding. But after North Dakota, we went into this default mode of just getting by again. I realize how much we do this with disappointment. We go back to the familiar and do that because it's all we know.
We talked about our hopes and goals for the next year too. Again, we named the same things.
In many ways, we felt like the two of us got by and survived the year together, but it felt reassuring to know that we were on the same page. And that we have been all along.
The new year though has come with life annoyances. Like a sick, snotty baby with an ear infection. My car is having issues and no telling yet if it's minor or major. I caught myself telling someone this morning that "I would be better" if I knew my car wasn't going to require a huge and expensive repair. I was immediately convicted of how I still search for joy in easy and pleasant circumstances. I still distance myself from God when life doesn't go the way I want. And I'm very aware how I can't change this quality in myself.
Today, I'm grateful for the man I do life with. The parts we coast through, the parts we struggle through, the parts that are fuller than full. I wouldn't change 2013 for the world. I'm hoping this year brings less coasting through and surviving, and more living and loving.