Learning

I’ve been learning.

Like how friendships continue to change – even the ones you think never will.  That some friendships aren’t meant to be, others are for a season, some can start anew and others are meant to last a lifetime because God wrote them into your story with a permanent marker.

That God is someone I want to say yes to – even if it takes me a while to come around.  That He asks me to follow Him places that make no sense.  And that He is faithful to give us exactly what we need even if I don’t like how He goes about it.

I’ve been learning.

That my faith is something I need to fight for.  Because when pushed to my limit of pain and hardship and loss and frustration, I still blame Him for all of it.  And my faith, though stronger, is still built on my circumstances. But it’s okay.  Because I don’t need to have arrived at anything and my faith is about God and not about me.

How His grace really is sufficient for me.  And I am supposed to be weak so He can be strong.

That I can't negotiate with Him.  Because He's God.  

And I will never be Paul, because I am supposed to be Jenn.

I've been learning.

I can reign in my feelings and emotions when needed.  That I can be in control over those things instead of the other way around. 

I can do hard things.  Really, really hard things.  I can live through them, and struggle through them and come out on the other side and tell about them.

I can live with less and be content - less food, less clothes, less things, less everything. 

I can be disciplined and finish something I’ve started without giving up.

I’ve been learning.

That I have a lot to learn about being a good friend.  That I write people off easily and put distance between myself and people on purpose.  And how most of that isn’t about kindness.  It’s about pride and selfishness.

That I pick fights with my husband when I’m feeling disconnected from him rather than inviting him to intimacy. 

 I’ve been learning.

Like how much I enjoy being a boy mom more than I ever thought I would.  That I don't have much patience and I have to apologize all the time.  And sadly, that I simply can't really get of "that smell" in their bathroom. 

How much getting out of debt sucks.  But that having someone hold us accountable is the best thing we ever did for ourselves financially.

That I am so tired I am of being a bookkeeper.  I crave something else, something more, something different.  Yet, I’m scared of risk and change.

I’ve been learning.

Like when it comes to writing, some things or events or people can’t be written about in the moment. Some things are too sacred, too special that the heart must hold on to those things for awhile before it’s ready to let them out and on to paper.

How much I am tired of hating my body.  That I nourish my heart and soul well but have complete disregard for my physical well-being.  And how much that needs to change.

That I desperately crave change.

That loss and death still invite me to go to old ways of coping and dealing and it’s up to me to decide whether or not it’s an invitation I want to accept.

I’ve been learning.

Like coffee in the middle of the day is always a good idea. 

And I’m not myself if the sun isn’t shining.

That I complain a lot - that so much negativity and ugliness comes out of my mouth and I want that to change. 

And that maybe there will always be things I don't like about myself and maybe some of that is okay - it means I'm wanting to be different or better and I want to be more like Jesus.  I shouldn't always want to be the same.

I've been learning.