I've been learning how to feed my body well. And I almost feel like I'm learning these things for the first time. Most of what I remember about my body during childhood, was simply shaming me for what it looked like. Or that whatever sickness ailed me, would get better on it's own and there was no need to see a doctor or receive treatment as my brother took up enough time with doctors and medicines and hospitals and various treatments. The tools I was given for success were diet pills or bribes with money if I could lose weight or sack lunches full of carrot sticks that I would throw away at school every day. But, I was never really shown or modeled healthy living - or even made to be excited about it. Even the mere mention of healthy anything sounded like a complete drag and was never encouraged outside of needing to lose weight so I would "look better". Now that I'm in this position where I absolutely have to change my diet in order to find some relief for my RA pain, I'm learning things about food and nourishment and how to take care of this body that has been so hurt and abused and mistreated over the years.
For months I've been beating myself up about my faith in God. When December came, an unexpected bout of depression came with it and I found myself in these old and familiar places of accusing God. I tore myself down for the struggles I was still struggling with and wondered how I could be in this wretched state-of-heart after such an epic year of following Jesus in all of these new places. And what I've been learning is that faith is something I will always be battling for. It's not a place of achievement, it's an ongoing process and I am constantly growing here. Because I lost confidence in myself, I went very, very low. I forgot that I only need to have confidence in Him. And also - faith doesn't mean that God has to explain Himself or His ways and perhaps I should take a different stance rather than blaming and accusing Him of things all of the time.
I want to do something different with my life. I don't want to work as a bookkeeper forever. I want more and I feel like I'm one of those people who was created for something more. And maybe that sounds conceited or presumptuous or like I'm special or something. But I'm craving something different. Yet, I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do or meant to do. Sometimes, it feels like it could be a hundred different things. Writing. Ministry. Decorating. Singing. Event-planning. Counseling. But I'm restless and feel lost. Is there even a method to dream a dream? Some of my high-schoolers are close to graduation and are looking at their forever futures and I can be excited with them at the plethora of possibilities that are ahead of them. But I feel like my window of possibility gets smaller and smaller every day and I wonder if I've just missed the dream-boat all together.
So I've been doing things I've been avoiding.
Like admitting that my blood pressure is high and I need to be on
medication for it. And talking to doctors about my weight and finding a
plan that will work for me. And making decisions about heavy duty
medications that could treat my Rheumatoid Arthritis. I have needed a
good amount of guts to admit things are wrong and that I need help and
care for my physical self. It's been brave to say yes to certain things
and no to others. And I believe that in this place specifically, God
has been asking me for more of my heart. And it's hard and brave to let
Him have these pieces. Because it's with these pieces, I've
discovered, that I trust Him the least.