Tonight, Tonight

Tonight, my boys are tucked safely in  their beds.  I've read stories and helped brush teeth and snuggled and sang my little one to sleep.  I didn't do the laundry, and I served them leftovers and we stayed inside to play.  But I loved on them as best as I could with all that I had.

Tonight, I am weary and tired.  Exhausted from lack of sleep due to worry, anxiety and pain. And so over the pain.

Tonight, I am grateful that Jacob doesn't have any broken bones after a scary fall this weekend.  I am worn from worry over the what-if's and could-have-been's and finding it hard to calm after thinking about my little one hurting and injured.  I so badly wanted to hurt for him.  To take the X-rays for him.  To do it all for him.

Tonight, I am overwhelmed about big decisions in regards to my health.  About treatment for my Rheumatoid Arthritis and learning to trust my doctor's advice.  I feel both defeated and relieved.  And incredibly angry that I have this stupid thing.  That I don't have the power to make it go away by myself.

Tonight, I feel quiet.  Todd is working late and I feel alone and I am missing his presence.  Wanting more of the protective, understanding embraces of earlier today when we sat with the news of what we're dealing with in regards to my RA.  My husband - he loves me good.  So good.

Tonight, I am thinking about what it means to be brave and keep going.  About how the bravest thing we can do sometimes is to surrender and let go of what we were holding on to in the first place.

Tonight, I am wishing God wasn't so big. And while I need his bigness and greatness, these moments when my heart is full and heavy and aching, I'm wishing He was small enough to meet me in my living room.  To hold me tight and close.