The thing about loneliness is that it's so lonely. It's especially lonely when you're a married working mother and you think that having a family and keeping a semi-full schedule means that loneliness should never find you. I think regardless of how many friends we have or how many children need something from us or how loving our husbands are, loneliness comes with the territory of being a woman that is full of unspeakable longings.
For the last several months, I have to come to absolutely dread Fridays. Life right now means that Todd either works late and then
drives for Uber every Friday. Or he takes a nap after Friday evening
dinner and then heads out to Uber until I'm already in bed. Saturdays
look similar as we need the extra income right now. All of this had
added to my loneliness as my weekends are wrapped up in being alone
with my boys with nothing else to do or look forward to or be with.
I've discovered that between work and mothering, I get depleted of all delightfulness. I'm a wrung out sponge with nothing to soak in. And don't get me wrong - I love, love being a mother. I love my boys so much it hurts. And I'm also tired and discouraged and weary.
Last weekend, my youngest was slamming his door open and closed over and over again because he did not like the consequences I set in place after he acted out repeatedly. At one point he was in his room screaming that he hated me and I burst into tears because he is three. He ended up being put to bed earlier than usual and I cried as I sang him his lullabies because mothering him has felt so hard lately and I feel like I'm failing at it and failing him and I don't know what to do about his anger anymore.
Motherhood feels disappointing right now and I don't like the mother that Jacob's anger invites me to be. I have a passionate, emotional, strong-willed child and he takes all that I have. I'm ashamed that my oldest has to see these parts of me. I am aware of all that I try to shield him from seeing or knowing - wanting to spare him from the death and the wounds that I have known from my own mother and trying to be everything for him all of the time.
My Friday self feels sad and broken. She feels done with life and children and everyday stresses. And she's so lonely. She blames herself for that loneliness as if it's someone's fault, and thinks of those in her past that she's hurt and excluded and left behind and believes that she deserves to feel this alone and this miserable. My Friday self usually turns to Netflix and vodka. Time to numb out, to forget and to stop feeling.
It's Friday morning. As another weekend was approaching I knew I had to do something different this day. I asked my boss yesterday if I could come in a little bit late today and he gave me the okay. Right now I have the house to myself. Hot coffee beside me, window open because it's cool and gorgeous outside. I spent some time journaling and reading and praying. And crying too. Being close to God and taking some time to soak up something my soul has been so desperately needing.