March 22, 2011

Weighty Wonders

I wonder if food will ever just be food to me. Just the stuff I eat when I'm hungry and the fuel my body needs to get through the day.

I wonder if I will ever not crave Cheetos, or powdered doughnuts or chicken nuggets. Or 5,000 other things that are "bad" for me.

I wonder if I will ever love spinach salads or asparagus or whole wheat pasta. Or ground turkey meat instead of ground beef. Blech.

I wonder if I will ever not be the fat girl at the table picking at my food because I'm too embarrassed to eat in front of anyone.

I wonder if I will ever stop caring what others think about me and the struggle I so publicly wear around for others to observe, when I know that I am trying and I am surrounded by people that love me.

I wonder why I care so much what others think of me that don't know me or don't know me well.

I wonder if I will ever be in a clothing size again that isn't a 20-something.

I wonder if I will ever not desire to go to food when I'm feeling hurt or sad or blah inside on a consistent basis.

I wonder if I will feel anything inside but the feeling of what a failure I am when it comes to my weight.

I wonder if I will ever stop sabotaging myself when I'm feeling successful and doing well with my eating and exercising.

I wonder how many more times I will have to get back up and try again and again. Because this cycle is old.

I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable in public in a bathing suit.

I wonder if my issues with food and weight will ever be a thing of the past or if it will be present with me ever day regardless of my size or success.

I wonder if I will ever blog about how much weight I've lost instead of where I am still finding myself.

I wonder if the help I'm getting is helping.

I wonder if I am beyond help sometimes.

Just wondering today. It's been one of those days....


  1. I know it seems like nothing will ever change but things have changed and continue to will be a fight but you are worth it and are loved. Who cares what the other people think!!! Love ya!!

  2. The book Made to Crave by Lysa terKeurst has helped me so much with my struggle with food and weight. I highly recommend taking a look!
    Thanks for your honesty and putting words to what so many of us feel...

  3. I love you. You bring so much JOY and sunshine to my life, and I don't mean that in a way to bring you extra pressure or to imply that you must always be "on" around me. You glow, Jenn, simply because of who you are and who God created you to be.

    I never would have guessed that there was a Jenn-sized hole in my life (especially b/c we weren't close when we were younger--I blame myself), but your friendship since I have moved back to town has been such a highlight.

    I'm going to end the way I began. I love you!

  4. I relate so much. It is a constant struggle for me too and most days I feel hopeless. I have been out of blogland for months now--I read and read but couldn't figure out if you are taking classes or a study.... curious.