I wonder if food will ever just be food to me. Just the stuff I eat when I'm hungry and the fuel my body needs to get through the day.
I wonder if I will ever not crave Cheetos, or powdered doughnuts or chicken nuggets. Or 5,000 other things that are "bad" for me.
I wonder if I will ever love spinach salads or asparagus or whole wheat pasta. Or ground turkey meat instead of ground beef. Blech.
I wonder if I will ever not be the fat girl at the table picking at my food because I'm too embarrassed to eat in front of anyone.
I wonder if I will ever stop caring what others think about me and the struggle I so publicly wear around for others to observe, when I know that I am trying and I am surrounded by people that love me.
I wonder why I care so much what others think of me that don't know me or don't know me well.
I wonder if I will ever be in a clothing size again that isn't a 20-something.
I wonder if I will ever not desire to go to food when I'm feeling hurt or sad or blah inside on a consistent basis.
I wonder if I will feel anything inside but the feeling of what a failure I am when it comes to my weight.
I wonder if I will ever stop sabotaging myself when I'm feeling successful and doing well with my eating and exercising.
I wonder how many more times I will have to get back up and try again and again. Because this cycle is old.
I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable in public in a bathing suit.
I wonder if my issues with food and weight will ever be a thing of the past or if it will be present with me ever day regardless of my size or success.
I wonder if I will ever blog about how much weight I've lost instead of where I am still finding myself.
I wonder if the help I'm getting is helping.
I wonder if I am beyond help sometimes.
Just wondering today. It's been one of those days....