May 31, 2011


My heart feels full today. It's full of a rainbow of emotions, conversations, longings, hopes, disappointments, dreams, things I miss, rage, sorrow, excitement,'s full. And as I sat down to write today I only had fragments of each thing I'm holding to express.

One more month of pizza delivering crap. One more month. We can do this.

I read in a book over the weekend that a person who typically binges on crunchy or salty types of foods may have a lot of undealt with anger and frustration that they need to feel and get out. Which explained a lot for me and some of my past habits with food.

I ordered Tommy's birthday party invitations yesterday. And I have a small stash of things as plans go underway for the fun party I'm putting together for him in July. I've been looking at why it's so important for me to "celebrate" him in the ways that I do.

Someone I love said these words to me this weekend: "I want my life back. I don't want to waste any more years." And my heart is so full with that, I can barely contain myself.

Took a new step at church on Sunday. I put myself on a list to be available to mentor/pray for/befriend a young woman just graduating high school and entering college (or something other than college). I'm wondering what this will look like and curious who the Lord will pair me up with.

I've been missing my mom a lot lately. So much that it hurts. And it feels out of the ordinary somewhat for me to ache for her this time of the year as my grief has had familiar cycles when it comes to missing her. Something about where I am in life right now is making my heart ache so. I just long for her to be here with me and she's not and can't be.

Memorial Day felt lonely and ordinary. I did laundry and washed dishes and played with Tommy. I missed the event we have gone to the last several years and knew I could have gone even though Todd had to work. Yesterday just felt sad and empty and I felt the absence of what once was.

"God's scandalous and disruptive response to our hatred transforms fury into gratitude and deadness into life." A quote from the book Bold Love by Dan Allender. I've been thinking where I have experienced God lately there and where I currently hold "fury" and wonder how on earth it could EVER be transformed into gratitude.

Discovered a new addiction over the weekend. An addiction where I go to escape rather than have to feel and experience complete loss - still sitting with that. Though I know I'm not powerless here, I have found it very difficult to do what I need to do to put a stop to it. It comes with a cost and great risk.

Been dreaming about having another baby. And it feels terrifying to let myself dream here....

1 comment:

  1. lots of feelings! i hear you. looking expectantly w you to the future...