I've Learned

I've learned that I have needs. And in my neediness is where I have discovered my beautiful desperation for God. I've learned that to be in need is glorious and how I've been created.

I've learned that when you piss evil off, evil comes back at you relentlessly. And sometimes it's laughable and sometimes it nearly takes you out.

I've learned that when you quit believing lies that you always believed about yourself, that when hurts come and you no longer are turning to those lies, there is nothing left to do but just hurt. And that is a whole new level of sucking.

I've learned what it feels like not to hate myself anymore and it feels good.

I've learned what the invitation looks like and sounds like to hate myself again, except I'm no longer accepting that invitation.

I've learned how to choose to feel something rather than to numb out. And I cry more, but I'm not doing damage. And that feels like victory.

I've learned what it's like to feed my body three times a day when it's hungry and stop when it's full.

I've learned that my weight loss is slow, but it's coming. And that is OKAY.

I've learned how to stop and ask myself what's going on when I'm wanting to snack or munch or binge. And when I've stopped to look at what's going on, I've found a lot of anger inside of me and for some reason I've been surprised by that.

I've learned that exercise feels good and what it feels like to be "in shape" and not breathless after a work-out.

I've learned that I love to dance and I'm good at it.

I've learned that I am not just a fighter for me and my story, but all of this is equipping me to help others fight, and fight for others who aren't able to. And exploring what that might look like for me feels overwhelming and good at the same time.

I've learned that I have choices. Lots of choices.

I've learned that struggling is good. Because it doesn't matter how much I struggle, it just matters HOW I struggle. And I struggle well!

I've learned that when I am brave enough to reach out, there is someone there to grasp my hand.