September 7, 2011

Impossible Things

I find it harder to write when I'm not feeling. It's harder to write when I'm going through the motions and the only descriptor word I have for how I'm doing is "blah." And I've been trying to numb out lately and avoid feeling. I've struggled with returning to old habits because it's how I've coped. For. My. Entire. Life.

Oh food, how I loathe thee sometimes.

So not coping that way is going to come and go for awhile until I've got it down and coping the way that I should with life . It's going to take some time. A lot of time actually.

A quote I read this morning said, "Hard things take time, impossible things, a little longer." It felt very true about this issue -my weight, the food thing, the battle constantly raging for me to choose to live differently and not the way that I always have. It has felt impossible. And it's taking much longer than I want it to.

And so I've found myself in the familiar place of avoiding feeling and trying to numb out. There is much that I've avoided letting myself feel.....

Darin & Bethany's leaving. And how Darin already left and I couldn't say goodbye to him because it was too hard. I feel like a jerk and I feel really sad and I was embarrassed at all of the tears that I had just for him.

My Gramma is having surgery next week. And she's not scared, but I'm scared for her. I can't imagine losing her, and that thought is in the back of my mind as she heads into surgery where they will put a stint in her heart.

I've been beating myself up for how I show up sometimes to my family. I feel like I have to change or be someone else in order to be around them. It's hard not to sit in self-contempt when I wonder if I'll ever be in a place where I can just be me - the real me, with them - no matter what.

Anger. Lots and lots of anger and I don't know how to sort through it. My therapist wants me to just write everything down and we can sort through it together. But to even write it all out, the mere thought of doing it feels exhausting. And maybe I'm just too scared to write it all out and have to look at it on paper.

It feels like fall. And anytime the weather makes the first big change of the season I find myself missing my mom.

Recently I became more alive to my longing of wanting another baby. Ever since we took down the crib and put the big-boy bed in Tommy's room, I've been aching for another child. And it hurts to want a baby because I don't know if it could even happen again. I want a baby just as badly as I did the first time, and I guess I never thought I would ache about any of this, exactly like I did the first time.

And there are other things. Places I've just felt betrayed and hurt. Places that I'm waiting. Places I'm feeling lonely.

How do other people do it? How do other people live, and be really alive, and feel the crap that life throws at them, and grieve what needs to be grieved when there is grief? And without turning to some kind of addiction?

I envy the people most that don't struggle with addiction and the way they avoid feeling just looks good outwardly. Like they are able to exhibit more control. And they clean their house or work-out or do yard work or something that just feels productive and reaps some kind of benefit. Because when I'm feeling lousy, I want a giant bag of Peanut M&M's. I don't want to scrub my damn baseboards. I guess I feel angry because I wish my "thing" were different.

Basically, I just admitted that I wished I could just look good on the outside even if I'm a mess on the inside. As if that were better.

"Hard things take a little time, impossible things, a little longer." - Andre Jackson. I guess this whole thing - the not avoiding feelings, relearning how to cope with life in healthy ways, food just being's going to take a little bit longer.


  1. Jenn, I hear you. I am in some of those places sometimes. I had to smile when you wrote about scrubbing your damn baseboards though! Cause mine could use a scrubbing! I will remember your numbing out comment and I am tempted to do it a lot (wish it was through cleaning my baseboards!) but I really want to try to be different and do the hard stuff, you know? Because I think I can. I don't want to be like the masses who are just waiting for a break before they think all is okay in the world. If I do, I may be waiting my whole life! Anyway, things will get better or change and you will be ok.... I know it! Hang in there! Love you. xoxoxo

  2. It speaks to your authenticity that you find it difficult to write when you are not in your heart.
    I heard fears, anger, sadness, frustration... and your willingness to continue the feeling and the fighting.
    I have some questions I want to ask you now but I'll wait :)
    love you

  3. i love you and id rather you be working through all this stuff, and becoming more and more of who you are meant to be, than one of those that can hide their idolatry and addictions, etc., and go through life crippled, because they dont even see their issues!