There are days like yesterday. Sometimes for days in a row.
And then one day you wake up and feel like yourself again. The part of yourself that doesn't have the dark grief-cloud sitting over you making you feel like you are stuck inside of something that's pressing down hard on you. Pressing out tears until you feel dried up.
And you know grief will return as it always does because it's supposed to. That's how grief works; it comes in waves and cycles and it has to be felt and entered into when it arrives. The feelings over the losses never really go away if you choose to be alive.
And the losses never become found. Instead, it's all the losses that somehow make you become found because you know that you are really found in Him. That's when you find joy and life in the midst of the grief and remind yourself that you really are okay. And you know, even if no one else does, that you are working through it differently than you ever have before. And you know and He knows too, that there is progress and change in your heart because He is the one who is transforming you. And not even the sneakiest whispers of evil's hissing lies could convince you otherwise. No, not today.
You feel the golden sky breaking through the blue. You feel like the fuscia and amber clouds bursting with color and beauty and life.
Today, this day, you can breathe and smile and walk tall because you feel alive. You are alive to hope and to your dreams and to possibility. And it feels good to feel the cloud pass again even knowing that it's not really gone forever.
You feel like a sunrise and a sunset, both beginning and ending. Both full of hope and promise. You feel close to the One who created both and is both. The One who is the Alpha and Omega. The one who made you uniquely you and is in the grief and out of it and doesn't leave you alone either way.