"Are you okay?" She asked. A new face of a very friendly and kind co-worker that recently was added to our staff, and before she left for her lunch break she noticed something about my countenance and looked at me as though she really wanted to know. We've bonded over things like tattoos and non-denominational churches and Pinterest and I feel grateful to have someone else here a little bit like me.
"I don't know. There's not like one thing I can pin-point. I'm just in this funk and feel like I need to cry about everything." And it's true. This funk has been with me for a few weeks now. I've felt like I could cry at the drop of a hat, and I have. But I've been stuffing my tears more than I've cried them.
And it's not one big thing. It's the little things. The little things that maybe add up into one big something.
It's the comment I heard in Sunday school yesterday that reminded why I don't really like going to Sunday school.
It's the saying goodbye to B.
It's the missing my husband all weekend because he was gone hunting.
It's the walking hard places with my husband because I love him so much.
It's the dirty dishes that I left in the sink this morning because I just didn't want to do them yesterday.
It's the knowing that my mother-in-law will wash them all and clean the house too because I'm at work all day and that's just what she does even though I've told her she doesn't need to do any of those things.
It's the crying out of frustration and shame because I don't have anyone to watch Tommy at the drop of a hat other than my in-laws who watch him way too much.
It's the negative pregnancy test from over the weekend.
It's the second negative pregnancy test I took the day after, just in case the other was wrong. And it wasn't and I'm not. And I kind of thought I was.
It's the wondering if we'll have another child and the feeling like someone is missing from our family.
It's the grief I have in my heart for missing my mom just because it's October.
It's the worrying about money.
It's the feeling like I haven't measured up to anything after seeing an old high school friend accomplish big and exciting music-related things over the weekend via Facebook.
It's the missing my sister-in-law who is one of my best friends.
It's the feelings of all I'm missing out on with my sister who keeps me at such a distance because I'm just not allowed "in."
It's the not getting to see certain faces as often as I would like to.
It's the missing my Aunt and having someone in my family who not just gets me, but loves me and it actually FEELS like she loves me.
It's the realization of what it's cost me to get where I am today.
It's what I see in the mirror every day.
It's the internal tug of war I feel about working and missing Tommy and wanting to be at work at the same time.
It's the wishing Todd and I could go on vacation and it's been pushed back yet again.
It's the thing I feel left out of and the feelings of always being left out of something.
It's the anxiety and build-up of emotions as Todd gets ready to head out to Michigan next week and my heart is full of so much hope and fear that I can hardly stand being in my own skin right now.
It's the feeling missed while trying to have conversations with others who kind of act like I'm speaking a different language. And maybe I am.
It's all the relationships in my life that I so long to look differently.
It's the feeling lonely.
It's the feeling discouraged and stomped all over.
It's the longing for more.
It's all the little things and not so little things that add up I guess.
I know I just need to let the tears come and cry them out. I guess I just worry that if I start crying about all of the little things, that I'll never stop.
My life isn't completely void of joy. There is so much I love and have to be grateful for and I am - I really am. Just last night I watched out the front window, my husband spinning Tommy outside in the yard while I was making pancakes for dinner. And I teared up at how blessed I am to have a front window and pancakes and a son and a husband and to hear laughter.
But for the past two weeks it's felt like tears are ready to leak from my eyes at any given moment and I keep holding them in, holding them back, keeping them inside. Because they are just little things.
Little things that have big tears that I am still resistant to cry.