The question seems to be coming a lot more frequently now. Probably because Tommy is two-and-a-half next week and maybe because I will be THIRTY-ONE in March. The question often unsettles me when I've just come to peace about it and I've realized I have to go to God every time I feel unsettled - because I'm not sure where else to go with the question either.
Probably, because I'm often asking the same question of Him.
"So, is there going to be a number two? Any more kids for you? Are you planning on having another? Are you going to give Tommy a little sister or a little brother? Are you hoping for another baby? You can't have just one - when are you going to get started on another baby?"
Maybe you've even wondered....is there going to be a number two?
The question is often asked as if I have complete control over the outcome. As if it's entirely up to me if or when we will or we won't have more kids. The people closest to me ask in the kindest ways possible...."Are you hoping for more? Where are you in wanting for more children?" Regardless of how it is asked though, the asking feels hard still.
I've tried to be as gracious with myself as I am with others in responding to their questions about whether or not there are more kids in our future. Because the real answer is simply: I don't know.
It's a complicated matter. There's the sex part of course - how the baby is made in the first place. And there's my crazy body whose PCOS numbers seem to go up and down. It is very possible that we could have another baby. And it's very possible that we couldn't too. And then there's God. As I see it, a lot of it is up to His design.
At the end of the day, I do feel at peace about it. I've come to a point where I've realized that God really does have what's best for me in mind. And I really and truly want His best for me, even if His best does not include another baby.
Just last night, Todd and I caught ourselves dreaming about a second baby. We talk about names and what it would be like to have another boy. Or what it would be like to have a girl and what would I do with the nursery and can we settle on a name for her? It feels both good and painful to dream there. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be.
Honestly, I am okay here. I am more okay than I thought I would be - even watching friends go on to have their own number two's. I'm really at peace and rest here. I am enjoying life with my one. I make special note to enjoy everything with Tommy because there is a very real possibility it's the only time I might ever do any of this. I am aware of my hopes and longings for another baby, a girl specifically. I cry when I need to cry about it, but I don't spend my days and nights consumed with wondering what will happen if there is really never another. It's where I am it. It's where God has brought me to.
I suppose as time goes on, I will change as will my heart about the issue. It may feel harder later if I don't get pregnant again anytime soon. I may not feel peace or at rest about it later. That is also true.
But today, I'm okay. Today I'm waiting and hoping and resting. Today I'm a working mom and enjoying my very chatty and active two year old. Today I am playing with fire trucks and sitting a big boy on the potty. Today, I am only dreaming about girly nurseries and kissing tiny feet in footie pajamas again. Today, I just don't know what the future holds or if there will ever be a number two. And today, I am okay with that.