February 8, 2012

Awaken the Dreamer

Some days when I get lost in numbers and papers that need filing and accounting puzzles that need figuring out, I pause and think, "How did I get here?"

The week after next I'll be working full-time again. The first time since the start of 2010. I'm ambivalent about being in this place. Mostly, I feel tired thinking about keeping up with life while working 40+ hours a week.

Sometimes it seems weird to think that I'm a bookkeeper for a living. I help two small business keep track of all of their important financial information. I pay their bills and file taxes and run payroll and formulate commission spreadsheets and dozens of other little things that might fall under my job description. I'm self-taught and I'm pretty good at what I do. Bookkeeping was something that came easily for me.

I enjoy how this kind of work stretches me. How I can be presented with challenges and things to figure out and somehow I always do even if it takes a little help. There are things about it that make me feel good about myself. How it confirms that I'm not an idiot just because I don't have a college degree to show for myself. I think sometimes I need that reminder because I spend way too much time second guessing myself.

But sometimes my job just feels draining and wearing. Sometimes I find myself daydreaming or feeling bored. Somewhere inside of me, I know that I was made for more than just this. And at times I just feel lost. Recognizing where God brought me here and feeling grateful for the kind of job that helps to support us financially. And longing for something more too. Something that gets my creative juices flowing and makes me feel like I'm just doing that big thing that I was created for. Whatever that thing is.

Perhaps God is finally awakening something new in my heart. The ability to dream.

And so, here I am. Seated behind a desk most days - using lunch hours and free time to write or gain inspiration for how I want to make my home more beautiful or what my next party to plan might be. Thinking about a job outside of bookkeeping terminology and office work. Just dreaming.

I don't know if God's plan for my life will ever take me down any other avenues than where I currently find myself. I don't know if my occupation will ever be something other than this.

But I'm starting to think....yes.


  1. That's a really exciting prospect! I think if it feels right, you should consider a change. :)

  2. I do that sometimes. I think, oh I should go to school. Then I realize that I'm making almost as much as the people sitting next to me that DID go to school and they have student loans to pay off. For now I enjoy getting off early and being home with my kids too.