There was a moment in my yesterday that I experienced the feeling of desperate fear.
I had to go to work and Todd was home with Tommy who had been running a fever. After he woke up from a late morning nap, it had spiked to 103.9. Todd immediately put him in a cool bath, called our doctor and then me.
For about ten minutes I was planning on spending the afternoon in the Emergency Room and doing what I do when I worry - imagining the worst. I sat there helplessly in front of my computer at work, letting my tears fall and wishing I was home to do something. As if I had the cure just because I'm the mama.
Thankfully his fever immediately went down to 101.1 after the bath and he was given some fever reducing medicine. Our personal friend and pediatrician got us an appointment to see another doctor at the office since she wasn't in that day. I was finally able to relax a little bit, but for those ten minutes as I was imagining hospital stays and various diseases and fever-caused brain damage and a thousand other scenarios, nothing else in my world mattered but getting care for my little boy.
The look of utter misery reads all over his face. He ended up being diagnosed with the flu. This marks the first real big bug he has ever had. A couple of minor ear infections and one cough as a baby - but this is his first major sickness. The flu is no small thing.
All evening, he sat in my lap. Between that and the Tami-flu, I was hoping that I could snuggle him back to health.
This morning he woke up demanding food and water. I felt relieved at the return of his appetite and willingness to drink. He is driving his motorcycle around the house and talking up a storm. Even though he is sick, he is acting more like the Tommy we all know.
The fear I felt inside of me yesterday...that gripping realization where you know someone else's life is completely out of your hands - because you can only snuggle and administer medicine and watch for symptoms. That fear showed me where I still struggle with trusting God with the things I hold closest to me. Today I'm feeling emotionally spent after working myself into a tizzy yesterday. I'm grateful for a quiet, restful day where the only thing on my agenda is to take care of my little guy.
As I wrap up this post, Tommy is playing in our bed and I heard him praying just now, hands folded and eyes open....
"Dear Jesus, thank you for taking naps and mama and daddy and I don't feel sick an-more. And I'm hungry Aaaaaamen."