I hate when life feels unsettled, when so much is up in the air. And part of you is just waiting for it all to come crashing down all at once, because so often, that's how it goes. My heart aches this urgent ache and I just want to know - just want to see a little ways down in to the future. To see what will happen. Maybe then I can rest in all that I'm waiting for.
Life feels very much in limbo right now. There are so many questions. We have zero answers and I've never done well with waiting. I want security and something to count on.
Right now, so much hinges on whether or not Todd will start a new job with his Uncle. It looks promising, but the timeline is fuzzy and that's what has me spinning. We've been told we won't hear anything until August now. All of this feels like it's taking forever and it's hard to not to go to the familiar and hopeless place of "Why would this work out? Nothing ever does!"
I am a worrier too. I obsess about things and worry and spin and stress until I sometimes make myself sick. It's a horrible pattern I wish I could be free of. Somewhere along the way, I decided that if I worry enough about something, then whatever it is I'm worrying about won't happen and everything will happen as it ought to. And really, sometimes things happen and sometimes they don't - and no amount of worry or over-thinking ever changes the outcome.
Needless to say, I feel emotionally and physically spent. Worrying exhausts me, yet I still do it. And it's a joy-robber, a life-killer. The things I choose to worry and fret over cost so much, yet I continue in its vicious cycle.
And always, these are the times God feels the farthest from me. Because I get lost in stress and anxiety, His voice is missed in the chaos.
Today is a day that I very much need to hear His voice in the midst of all of the things I'm worrying about and stressing over. I need a little peace where there is panic. A little rest where I am weary. A little hope where mine has run out.