For who he is

Change came when I faced the truth.  When I sat honestly with the ugliness and selfishness of my heart. Change came when I realized that loving someone is hard sometimes.  And it came when I was able to see that I hadn't been loving him well at all. 

What was true was that I was at fault.  I had failed him, I had let him down.

Love him for who he is, not who you want him to be.

That was truth.  I can't remember now if I read it or pinned it or someone spoke it to me.  But it penetrated my heart and it shook me to my core and I knew it was something God wanted me to really hear.

I had been so stuck in this place of wanting more.  Wanting more out of our life together.  Wanting more out of my own life.  Wanting him to be more of that and less of this.  In all of my desires for more, which I believe started out as good, discontentment was born and then bitterness set in.  I ended up losing sight of him.  I lost us.  And we almost lost our marriage.

But change came.  It came when I started observing him - how he loved me. His love for me is visible and it's something I can touch.  It shows up in painted shelves and a clean garage and dishes washed because he knows that I hate to do them.  I felt gratitude that I could see proof of his love for me. 

Gratitude ended up being what I needed most when I found myself wanting to be done.  Finding thankfulness for what I had, for who he was, for what we did have together.  For knowing that he could have left and quit long before I began thinking about it.  It was gratitude that began to melt away the coldness of my heart.

I put aside all of my wants for more and different.  When I did that, it was as if I was able to see again.  

Love him for who he is, not who you want him to be.

My husband is so much.  He is kind and gentle.  He uses his words to lift me up and encourage me.  He is silly and fun and because of that, he frees me to be my quirky self.  He is quiet and thoughtful, caring and generous.  He is genuine and appreciates the genuine, real side of people.  He speaks when it's important, when his words are needed.  He accepts my invitations to play and laugh and dance and let loose.  He helps to calm my fears and stills my worries.  He cares and provides.  He works hard and is full of integrity.  He's handsome and dreamy and I still look at him sometimes and catch my breath because I remember he's mine.

And it's true that there are many things that he isn't.  I'm sure he could say the same for me.  We are both on a journey to be more of who God created us to be and we are far from it still.

But it was being able to see all the things that he was that ended up changing us and where we were.  It took us to feeling like we were at our end, to a new start. And somehow, it was my seeing that seemed to bring him back to life again.

Things have changed.  They're different.  We are different.  And there has been more.

The baby I'm carrying is proof of the more we've been enjoying together.  My heart swells and my eyes brim with tears at God's timing for us.  For a baby to be the finale of such a season to have gone through together and to be the beginning of something else.

Somehow in surrendering to my desires for the more that I was so desperately wanting, I'm very aware that all of a sudden, we have it.