There is more to the story. So much more. Everything was written out and ready to post this week. However, I woke up early this morning having some kind of allergy attack which then resulted in a full on panic-attack which I don't believe I've ever experienced before.
I couldn't breathe and a million thoughts were running through my mind. I was wringing my hands and it felt like something was sitting on my chest and trying to get out of me all at the same time. I've struggled with depression and anxiety before, but nothing of this caliber ever in my life.
It suddenly became very clear that there was some great opposition in posting this piece of my story even though I not only felt ready to share it, but the story flowed out of me with ease as I composed it. I literally wrote five days worth of posts in a matter of hours.
This part of my story is full of so much tragedy and heartache. My depravity led me to the darkest and saddest of places. And while I have felt free from those places and that time in my life for quite some time, I'm aware of where my enemy hates where he was unable to completely destroy me in it all because I belong to the King, not him. And that was my message - that's why I was writing this in the first place.
It was because of how that chapter of story ended. Where Love rescued me, pulled me out of where I was, and came after me. Where God, who I was so angry with, swept me off my feet and made Himself more real to me than He ever had before. How He made it clear that He had never left me at all, even when I wanted Him to leave. It's my gospel story - it's where the hope of Jesus Christ and the power of the cross shine the most brightly in this story that He has given to me to live.
It's what I want to share with the world and where I feel called to
love and minister to others because I know what it means to live in
sadness and dark places and addiction and loss and anger. He is why I have hope - in the midst all of life and uncertainty and hardship - I have real hope and real joy and real peace because of Him and how He has shown up for me.
I suppose the enemy hates the reminder of what God did and when I speak of it.
It felt clear this morning that this needed to wait though. Especially while I carry life within me. That kindness means waiting and being more prepared for opposition when this story does go "public" so-to-speak.
For now, the story will remain untold here. But not for long and not forever.