My last binge was December 26, 2011. It was the day I realized that the cloud and the shift I wrote about yesterday came on Christmas day and I was doing what I usually did when I felt intense emotion - eating, and eating a lot so that I didn't have to feel any of it.
Throughout this last year, I've over-eaten some and I haven't made the best food choices either. But it's been a binge-free year for me. It's been a year to see recognizable progress where my eating is so much more normal than it's been since before I can even remember. For a disordered eater to see where you eat normal portions and have normal meal-times and eat until you feel that normally full-feeling on a very regular and daily basis - it's a big deal. The therapist I spent most of my year with last year would tell you that.
I've learned in the last year that I can feel. That pain and suffering and disappointment won't do me in if I allow myself to feel them rather than check out entirely.
I've learned to say goodbye and grieve and even endure a crisis like my marriage almost ending without turning to food to medicate with.
I've learned to really hate the overly full feeling my stomach gets from eating too much. The times I've over eaten have left me physically miserable and it's a feeling in my body I don't care to feel anymore. It might be weird to admit that I somehow enjoyed that feeling I would get, but I did.
I've learned to run to God and talk to Him daily about what I need, what I'm feeling and where I'm at. With all that this year has come with, I've remained close to Him. Even in my anger and confusion, I stayed in relationship with Him and kept the conversation going. I believe that it's truly by His mercy and grace, that I've finally been able to let go of damaging ways and surrender to my need for Him and His care.
What's ironic is that I have nothing to show for my progress when it comes to my physical body. I'm overweight and pregnant and of course losing weight is a bit difficult. Even so, I know there is progress even if no one else can see it or knows that it's there. And perhaps that's good for me. To acknowledge and recognize progress outside of what shows up in the mirror.
I've been healing from the inside. The outside will soon follow - of that I am sure.
I want to remember this day as there could be another binge in my future. I could have a slip. Yet, I have so much hope. For my body and my eating disorder and how my relationship with food is changing. There is something to celebrate and today I am claiming victory for having a binge-free year.
Would you celebrate with me today?
Happy one year binge-free anniversary to me!